My Mom died Tuesday.......

[BERIGAN]

I have tried on and off to write this since Wednesday, but with phone calls, people stopping by, and taking care of my Dad, it is a jumbled mess of thoughts...forgive me...

My Mom Died Tuesday Morning. As you may recall, Mom had been battling Stage 4 Cancer for 2 years,(Tumor was spotted on MRI 8 months earlier, but heart specialist didn't bother to read the radiologists report) had Pneumonia since March and had been in the hospital 3 times in March, May, and June.

Mom never got off oxygen, and once brought home 6 weeks ago, never was able to leave her room. Just couldn't push up enough for us to get put her in a wheelchair even.

Doctors wanted us to put her in a nursing home, or rehab center. Dad checked out one rehab place that was recommended,(before we knew the Cancer had spread everywhere) and there was a waiting list for a single room, one TV for 2 people, and they kept it 80+ degrees for the older folks, which would have driven Mom insane. Mom didn't want that anyway, she wanted to be with her "Boys" and our 4 cats. Dad and I were going to make one of her wishes go her way for a change.

We had tried several alternative meds since she could no longer physically take Chemo or radiation, but they didn't slow the Cancer down one bit. .

Mom was always a good sized woman, tall and skinny, then tall and heavy(Diabetes, a bad back, atrial fibrillation and Charcot's joint disease in her feet, made exercise all but impossible the last 4 years) with lots of water retention issues.

We tried to move her in her regular bed, but we soon found out how hard 275+ pounds is to move when they can't help. Finally had to get a hospital bed for her, so we could pull her up in bed better(She couldn't sleep laying flat for quite some time, always slept sitting up, and would slide down during the day)

3 weeks ago, her Kidney's shut down, a sign that the 1-2 years the Oncologist had mentioned in the hospital back in June wasn't realistic at that point. Her best friend came out that night,(She too had Cancer, but it was caught early) it looked to be the end. We cried a lot, stayed up all night. But the next morning, the Kidney's were working again, and she was talking! Even Mom was wondering why she was still around. For selfish reasons, I was glad she was still here, but she was in more and more pain from the tumors all over her body. I knew it was time for her to go.

We thought we could avoid Hospice(Hospice sales person in the hospital left us cold to say the least) but Mom's home care nurse recommended a different one(There are 21 different ones in Atlanta alone) had to do it for the pain meds. Mom was clearly going downhill, harder to understand what she was saying, but she snapped out of it one day to sign power of attorney, and last will paperwork(Funny what you forget to do till it is almost too late)

A week ago Monday, the Hospice nurse listened to her heart and lungs and said this was it....she was more or less unconscious at this point. Cried some more, held her hand...and waited....Well, Another Hospice nurse came out Saturday because her breathing was so poor and we felt so helpless(Couldn't get her to swallow anymore) she tried her best to calm things down(She was the best nurse, truly an angel of mercy-I could never do what she does) Mom would move around a lot, as if she was in pain....the Nurse gave us a mask to give liquid Morphine through a nebulizer. Listening to her heartbeat, and full lungs this more experienced Hospice nurse said she had 24 hours, maybe 48 at most.

Mom must have had a strong a constitution as anyone because she Made it about 60 hours.

I must have walked into her room 80 times in the last few weeks wondering if she was still going to be alive...my Dad did as well...that's tough. It's tough to see someone you love with all your heart in pain, and not able to tell you what was bothering them.

We know she is in a much better place, not in pain anymore, and that really does comfort us, at least right now....Some days are worse than others, I went into Barnes and Noble yesterday, and I see books on King Tut(Mom had gotten into Egyptology stuff in the last several years-till her eyesight got too bad to read up on it) Can't shop without seeing things she would like/want...I am sure we are not the first to have this problem....going into her room of course there are many things that remind us of her. Mom's paperback Mysteries she loved, (Agatha, Dick Francis, etc) DVD sets we got her, Columbo, Magnum, Sherlocks with Basil Rathbone....what made Mom, Dad and I had gotten Mom a fair number of Classical cds in last 10 years as well.....she couldn't even put them on for herself the last 6 months or so.....They will just collect dust for now....It's weird in a way how a life that ends just seems to end in mid sentence, so much more to do..she and Dad never got to go on a trip to Ireland as they wanted to after retirement...even though she worked for Delta, we never made it to her hometown of Seaside Oregon. I was going to buy a camcorder after she was diagnosed with Cancer to record her talking about family history she only knew, but was afraid it would make Mom think I thought she wouldn't pull through. Wish I had gotten it now.

Everyone's Mom is special of course, but I feel such a debt of gratitude to Mom. She sacrificed a lot so she could have her weekends free to spend with me as a kid. We had a lot of fun....it was worth it to her, even if it meant not going as far up the latter at Delta as she should have.

Even though I didn't want to as a kid, if someone gave me too much change, Mom said give it back, that person could lose their job over it...so now, if it happens today, or I find an item in the basket when I get out to the car, I Have to go back in to pay for it.

Mom would notice if I changed towards people, if I was acting out of character...no one can be completely without prejudice, but as the Aids epidemic got worse in the 80's I remember a waiter who was more than likely gay, bringing us food with his thumb on the plate and I said something after he left about getting aids from him (I knew that wasn't possible, just being mean) and mom immediately saying that I had always been fair to people in the past, why was I being mean to this person? Slap! I realized I was being an asshole....

Before I forget, I want to thank everyone through the past 2 years who have said a kind word, or asked how my Mom was doing in a PM(Johnny just asked how things were going a few weeks ago) a Few who have been going through the trials and tribulations of Cancer were quick to give me their best advice....Most of all, I have to thank Maren for the time she put in researching Cancer treatment centers, or helping me with figuring out what the hell Serratia liquefaciens was....

Finally, anyone that smokes on this board(Mom quit in the 70's but if I am to believe 2 of Mom's doctors, it still could have been a contributing factor) give those stupid fucking things up!!! Put the money you save into a Mosaic box set fund...and be around to listen to them....trust me, some people have Cancer, and have a "good" death, Mom's was not in any way shape or form a good death, and you would not want to put loved ones through what we went through.....

Conrad.

[Noj]

My sincerest condolences, Conrad. A touching tribute, I'm in tears over here.

Jon

[Free For All]

Conrad,

I'm very, very sorry to hear of your mother's passing. What a tough road that was for her and you and the family. I guess all there is to say is that be thankful she's no longer in pain.

I lost my mom to cancer in 1994- she went pretty quickly, which for her sake I'm grateful- my selfish reaction is that I wish I could have had a little more time with her. I think about my mom every day and often she appears in dreams- I often wake up from these dreams almost in tears because I got a chance to talk to her again. I'm glad that she and I were on good terms and I don't feel there was anything that didn't get said. I sense that you are in a similar place.

I think it's important to allow yourself to work through all the emotions- loss, sadness, gratitude, nostalgia, whatever. I still have occasional "pangs" of sudden memories, and I treasure those moments.

Anyway, take care of yourself and your family and I'm sure all your friends here will be thinking of you. Come by and hang a bit when you feel like it.

And I for one think you organized your thoughts beautifully.

Peace,

Paul

[sidewinder]

My sincere condolences at this time.

[tonym]

That's a very humbling and candid account of what you all have been through Conrad. It must have been very upsetting to write that.

My thoughts are with you now.

[SEK]

Conrad, I'm very sad to read about your mother's passing, but her pain and struggle is over. Thanks for your eloquent and heartfelt account.

My thoughts and best wishes will continue to be with you as you deal with this.

[Peter Johnson]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You have friends here, and we're thinking about you and your family.

[Johnny E]

Conrad,

My condolences to you in this very sad and reflective time. I quit smoking when my son was born 6 months ago, and your post has strengthened my resolve to keep it that way. My thoughts are with you and your family.

-john

[J.A.W.]

My sincere condolences.

[Tony Pusey]

Condolences from this side of the pond. Lost my mum just over a year ago, and then immediatly my partner was diagnosed with breast cancer so I know a bit what you are going through, and yeah I know words are just words, but keep on keepin on...

[Christiern]

My thought are with you--in fact, they have ben with you since you first shared with us your mom's health problems. It is clear from your reminiscences that she was indeed a very special person, and, as you said in your very touching post, she can suffer no more, so now it is time for you and your dad to go through the healing process. Clearly, your mom left you "boys" with many good memories that will ease that process.

Thank you for sharing something so personal--I think we can all learn from your words.

[Rosco]

Deepest condolences to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your thoughts at this difficult time. I was really moved by your recollections.

[Joe G]

It's tough to see someone you love with all your heart in pain, and not able to tell you what was bothering them.

We know she is in a much better place, not in pain anymore, and that really does comfort us, at least right now

That kind of sums it up for me. I hope you can take all the time you need to re-center yourself. Best wishes to you and your family, and thank you for sharing all that with us.

---Joe

[ejp626]

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. It is clear you cared very much for your mother, and will continue to want to make her proud of you. It is always hard to let people go, but when they are suffering as much as your mother was, you know there is a time to go. Hopefully you can get some closure from the time you spent with her. My mom died very suddenly, but at least I didn't have any outstanding "issues" with her that I regret not resolving. It sounds like you didn't either, and that will help you as you move through grieving. Even though I am not religious, I found that rituals and traditions do help. I wore all black for about six months after my mother died as a way of mourning and paying respect (it helped that I was a student at the time). But we all have to find our own way of dealing with loss. Again, my thoughts go out to you and your father.

[casanovas347]

now i'm feeling sad

My deepest condolence & best wishes to you and your family Conrad!

[B. Goren.]

My deepest and sincere condolences.

Edited July 30, 2005 by B. Goren.

[Jim Dye]

My sincere condolences, Conrad.

[Stereojack]

I offer my condolences to you. My mom was the first of my family to go, and my life changed that day. Watching her suffer in those last couple of months made it a little easier to accept her passing when it finally came, although it's always a shock, even when you know it's coming.

[Ed S]

So very sorry to hear the news Conrad. Best widhes to you and your family as you work through your mother's passing.

[Big Al]

Conrad, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. It sounds like your mom raised some strong "boys" who will carry her spirit on. As a parent, that's about all you can really hope for and it looks like your mom did so fantastically.

[RonF]

Very sorry to hear the news. Hang in there.

[catesta]

How very sad.

C, I'm so sorry for what your mother had to go through.

At least now she is at peace, hopefully that will bring you some comfort.

My deepest condolences go out to you and your family.

[paul secor]

My deepest condolences. I hope that it helped at least a little to be able to share your loss with us.

[skeith]

My condolences Berigan

[JSngry]

Hearfelt condolences here as well. Here's hoping that the rest of your life constantly carries with it the memories of her beautiful spirit, and that the rest of your life be lived as a tribute to it.