JSngry Posted July 22, 2003 Report Share Posted July 22, 2003 Ok, so... I'm driving home from work this morning eating a McGriddle (the syrup's BAKED IN!, and DAMN is it good, in a McGriddly kinda way) and all of a sudden it hits me that America loves nothing more than a good dance craze. Well, that's as it should be, right? After all, we ARE a nation of dancin' fools. Americans love them some dance crazes allright. But - Americans DON'T love them some jazz, and that, Dear Friends, is WRONG! As in Wrongadelphia! So I'm thinking to myself, how to get America in touch with its inner jazzdom AND make them dance AND profit shamelessly from it in the process (gotta make this a definitvely American deal). And then it hit me (and yes, it DID feel like a kiss!) - The Monkarena! Yeah, take that little shuffle step Monk did, simplfy it and stiffen it out JUST enough so that people without any rhythm whatsoever can do it and feel the giddy pseudo-ecstasy of pseudo-copping a groove, get a clever little novelty # to go with/define it, and BINGO - watch what happens! I'm thinking that the song ought to have a lyric about a "far-out cat" who "lives in his own little world", a man who has no name but "Monk" and who "never says a word, all he does is grin" while he does his dance, which "the only folks who know him" call "The Monkarena". Ok, the Macarena is still fresh enough in everybody's stool sample that it might be a few decades before we can pull this off, but if we get all our ducks in a row and patent/copyright all the shit, including, ESPECIALLY including, Monkarena Merchandise, we can all reap the benefits when the Craze finds its moment. It's a gamble sure, but whatcha gonna do - count on Social Security? I don't THINK so! Since I came up with the concept, I own it, ok? Let's get THAT straight right off the git-go! But anybody who contributes to the final product gets points, and I'm a fair guy. I don't want ALL the money, just most of it. I'm entitled too - it's my idea. I just hope I'm still able to participate in the worldwide festivicles when The Monkarena hits big. I'm ESPECIALLY looking forward to going to Philly (where I INSIST the dance be introduced on the local teen danceshowparty showdance, so I can have the distinct pleasure of saying, "Thank you, you...PHILADELPHIANS!" That would only be right. Whaddya say, we can ALL get rich, and just because I'll get FILTHY rich won't mean that everybody else won't get SOME rich. Like I said, I'm as fair as the day is wide! So let's all practice saying, in our MOST hyped up sexually ambiguous (but nevertheless non-threateningly aroused) voices, "COME ON AMERICA, LET'S DO THE MONKARENA!!!" McGriddles for the house! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clunky Posted July 22, 2003 Report Share Posted July 22, 2003 er.. babel fish can't help me out with this one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stefan Wood Posted July 22, 2003 Report Share Posted July 22, 2003 Um, from what I have been seeing, a LOT of people have already been doing the Monkarena. Or the two left foot shuffle........... myself included, there's a heck of a lot of people who can't dance well! Blame it on electonica........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted July 22, 2003 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2003 Um, from what I have been seeing, a LOT of people have already been doing the Monkarena. See? There IS a market! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rooster_Ties Posted July 22, 2003 Report Share Posted July 22, 2003 I just wanted to point out what a mega-cool word "Organissimosiosos" is... I had to say it out loud like 6 or 7 times, before I could even come close to pronouncing it. The stress is on the second-to-last syllable, right?? Organissimosiósos Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
connoisseur series500 Posted July 22, 2003 Report Share Posted July 22, 2003 Dress is important too. One must select a crazy hat like Monk used to. Perhaps a fireman's helmet, or a miner's light. Make sure that the suit is a couple sizes too small. and the shoes unshined. Jazz people focus on the BIG picture and not on petty things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jazzbo Posted July 22, 2003 Report Share Posted July 22, 2003 The Monkarena. . . a dance that I can actually do, even when I have a flareup of my "pain in the ass to pain in the neck" back pain phenomenum. . . YEAH BUDDY! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted July 22, 2003 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2003 The teenage girls will giggle, the boys will grin sheepishly, the old people will have a lot of fun together. .. So make sure it's stupid enough for everyone to get crazy about, yet complicated enough for people to make mistakes in memorising all the moves... Name your price. I'm serious - NAME YOUR PRICE. You understand the concept TOO well. Name your price. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted July 22, 2003 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2003 The stress is on the second-to-last syllable, right?? Organissimosiósos Indeed it is! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted July 22, 2003 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2003 Dress is important too. One must select a crazy hat like Monk used to. Perhaps a fireman's helmet, or a miner's light. You're in charge of Monkarena Merchandising! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted July 22, 2003 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2003 The Monkarena. . . a dance that I can actually do, even when I have a flareup of my "pain in the ass to pain in the neck" back pain phenomenum. . . YEAH BUDDY! EVERYBODY can do the Monkarena. It's FUN! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
connoisseur series500 Posted July 22, 2003 Report Share Posted July 22, 2003 Dress is important too. One must select a crazy hat like Monk used to. Perhaps a fireman's helmet, or a miner's light. You're in charge of Monkarena Merchandising! It's an extreme honor. Now where's that Horatio Hornblower Admiral's hat I had in the closet... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catesta Posted July 22, 2003 Report Share Posted July 22, 2003 TESTING....,TESTING....., PLEASE BE ADVISED THIS IS ONLY A TEST. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted July 23, 2003 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2003 I wanna be filthy rich too. You can still be filthier rich of course, but I'd like to be rather nauseatingly wealthy as well. If all fails, I'll settle for some free promo material though. and assorted hats! 'cause we need hats! This ain't your first rodeo, is it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted July 23, 2003 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2003 okay, to the (slightly adapted) tune of Little Rootie-Tootie (click): "and then-a we dance" "and then we twirl around" "MONK-A-RE-NA" (we need an extra "syllable" here, Monk's going PLING-PLOING-PLING) "and then-a we bend" "and then we touch the ground" "MONK-A-RE-NA" Now you're REALLY scaring me - "L.R.T" was MY first thought too! But upon further review, I thought that maybe "Bye-Ya" might be more singable by the masses. But maybe not... What I'm REALLY thinkng is that to make this thing work, it's going to take an ORIGIANL song, one that capitalizes on the image and cachet of cool that Monk has without actually USING any of it. You know, sell the image, not the substance. People LIKE that, ya'know! Anybody want a McGriddle? The syrup's baked in, ya'know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Nessa Posted July 23, 2003 Report Share Posted July 23, 2003 What I'm REALLY thinkng is that to make this thing work, it's going to take an ORIGIANL song, one that capitalizes on the image and cachet of cool that Monk has without actually USING any of it. You know, sell the image, not the substance. People LIKE that, ya'know! Anybody want a McGriddle? The syrup's baked in, ya'know. In true record producer tradition - I want the publishing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted July 23, 2003 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2003 I'll give you 49.9% of the North American publishing and a composer's credit. That's my best offer. Deal? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rooster_Ties Posted July 23, 2003 Report Share Posted July 23, 2003 Anybody want a McGriddle? The syrup's baked in, ya'know. The McGriddle If you walk into your workplace holding McDonald's new McGriddle breakfast sandwich, you will likely become an instant mini-celebrity. The buzz is enthusiastic: "Is that a McGriddle?" "How is it?" "How much do I have to pay you for a bite of that?" People who hardly glanced away from their monitors upon the arrival of your new iPod will cluster around to see the wondrous new McGriddle. Oh, syrup-infused pancake/buns! Oh, stack of breakfast foods! Oh, McDonald's! Oh, hell. This thing is truly weird. For a person used to eating a normal breakfast, buying the McGriddle is a slightly daunting experience. Instead of making you order from a customized spread of traditional American breakfast foods, McDonald's has saved you the time by lumping them together into a single, awe-inspiring über-thing. The McGriddles have three different incarnations: sausage; sausage, egg and cheese; or bacon, egg and cheese. And they're all wrapped in high-tech syrup-infused pancakes. More on those — and their shocking secret design flaw — later. The sausage, egg and cheese model seemed to be most representative of the McGriddle's awesome potential, and for a mere $2.19, it was cheaper than a bagel sandwich at Au Bon "We're not French! We swear!" Pain. The McGriddle, a heavy, sweaty, floppy little thing, is somewhat off-putting at first. "Is this kosher?" I asked the clerk, stuffing the paper bag into my knapsack. She stared at me blankly. "No, I'm sure it's fine," I said. Of course, the McGriddle is so far from kosher that if you listen carefully while you chew, you can hear the tiny voices of ancient, highly regarded rabbis yelling at you from beyond the grave. But regardless of its religious standing, the 550-calorie greasebomb goes down easy. The pancake/bun thing is pleasantly sweet, if somewhat soggy, and its insipid syrup aftertaste nicely sets off the sausage patty's light dash of spice. The slice of American cheese bonds completely with the circular yellow egg thing, creating a warm disk of pliable breakfast-tasting protein that's hard to taste, let alone remember. Overall, it's easy to eat, warm, filling and slightly entertaining, like a particularly good episode of "Will and Grace." The bad news: Eating a McGriddle makes your fingers shiny. McDonald's all but says, "If the McGriddle gets syrup on your hands, we'll drive over to your house and cook you a real breakfast that doesn't make you slightly queasy 5-10 minutes after you're finished with it." And it's true: the McGriddle's patented syrup-containment pancake-bun things (which seem to be a layer of dry pancake, a middle layer of syrup-soaked pancake, and then another layer of dry pancake) are pretty good. They're effectively syrup proof. But they're not greaseproof, which wouldn't be a problem if the McGriddle consisted of two magic pancakes sandwiching, say, some corn flakes. No such luck; the sausage and egg stuff is oilier than Jerry Falwell and Al Sharpton making love on the beach, and your fingertips will come away all slippery. This is good news if you happen to work in a firehouse or massage parlor. For pretty much everyone else, it's probably a minus. Will the McGriddle inject a note of pep into McDonald's business prospects? At a time when the company is struggling against anti-Americanism abroad and health consciousness at home, the McGriddle might appeal to the restaurant's key constituency of careless people who will eat any damn thing, as long as it's greasy. But, then again, these people probably didn't need a whole lot of coaxing and gimmickry to come to McDonald's in the first place. And for those looking for a great way to start the day, remember this: 550 calories of grease and carbohydrates is not necessarily the answer. But it may impress your friends for the time being, so buy one now, before the novelty fades like porkfat dissolving in handsoap and water. — James Norton (jim@flakmag.com) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Alfredson Posted July 23, 2003 Report Share Posted July 23, 2003 No such luck; the sausage and egg stuff is oilier than Jerry Falwell and Al Sharpton making love on the beach, and your fingertips will come away all slippery. I really didn't need to read that.... where's the "I'm going to hurl" emoticon?! At a time when the company is struggling against anti-Americanism abroad and health consciousness at home, the McGriddle might appeal to the restaurant's key constituency of careless people who will eat any damn thing, as long as it's greasy. I'll listen to anything, as long as it's greazy... does that count? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catesta Posted July 23, 2003 Report Share Posted July 23, 2003 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted July 24, 2003 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2003 instead of wasting your time on McGriddles you could have come up with a concept for our very own New and Improved McMonkarena! Including free toys you can build together, play with, and collect!* If this dance craze is gonna swim the nation & suffocate the airwaves we need more dedication! *howzabout playing sets for our Happy Monkarena Meals with 1) a small red cart, a large Monk-figure, sunglasses, a plaid flat cap, a sheet of music notes (or make that dance steps) 2) a piano, a large Monk-figure, a german spike helmet, a nazi flag, an automatic gun 3) a smiling large Monk figure in sleeves and a set of mirrors to produce 4 reflections at once! 4) a large Monk figure dressed in a raincoat and a hat that comes with a model of a SF tram ... YOUR imagination is the limit! When I die (and if I keep slammin' the McGriddles, that could be any day now...), the franchise is YOURS! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Nessa Posted July 24, 2003 Report Share Posted July 24, 2003 Hey Jim, just in case you do die - all existing contracts are binding - right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted July 24, 2003 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2003 Binding to the point of cutting off circulation! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Nessa Posted July 24, 2003 Report Share Posted July 24, 2003 Binding to the point of cutting off circulation! Just like a McGriddle! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rooster_Ties Posted July 24, 2003 Report Share Posted July 24, 2003 (edited) My wife and I saw a TV commercial just now for Taco Bell, and I swear to god they've got some contest where you can... Eat at Taco Bell, and get free gas for a whole year!!! And in keeping with that same theme... Pillsbury Doughboy (Have the sound turned up a bit. Not too loud, but some volume is necessary.) Edited July 24, 2003 by Rooster_Ties Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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