jacman

joke thread

205 posts in this topic

I'm told this one is true. Sounds like wishful thinking to me.

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. . ... "Well, f***kin' stop doin' it then, ya evil b*****d !"

MG

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

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A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The

townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from

Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So,

naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and

lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would

mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to

worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When

the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the

left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved

to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to

do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When

the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull

moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought

the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

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Three Things To Think About......

1. COWS

2. THE CONSTITUTION

3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington and track her calves to their stalls?

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give them all a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours?

It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians

-- it creates a hostile work environment.

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Bob goes to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor says: "Bob, you have GOT to stop masturbating".

Bob: "Why?"

Doc: "Because I'm examining you!"

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A man had been on an island for 10 years, is sitting out on the beach

when a beautiful woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear suddenly

emerges from the surf.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since

you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She unzips a waterproof

pocket and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights

it, takes a long drag and says, "Oh, that's good!"

Then the woman asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink?"

Trembling, the man says, "Ten long years!" The woman unzips her water

proof pocket on her left sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

The man takes a long swig and says, "Man, that's sweet!"

The woman then starts slowly unzipping the front of her wet suit, looks

at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've

played around?" The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet

mother of God!

"Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

Edited by GoodSpeak

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There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.

Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on my shirt?"

"Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up halfway around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,

"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

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Golden Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the

town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper

reporter paid them a visit.

He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well"...explained the husband..."it all goes all the way back to

our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we

took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

He continues..."well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's

mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once."

"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and

my wife quietly spoke...that's twice."

"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a

third time."

My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the

beast, and shot the mule dead."

"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to

me and quietly said...that's once."

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Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had four doors they would be called chicken sedans.

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what happened.

"Well," the man said, "I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife when we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. While we were looking for the balls, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt hole. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife 'Honey, this looks like yours!'

"I don't remember much after that."

Edited by GoodSpeak

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Jesus and Moses were out golfing one day and they came upon a Par 3 hole with a lake in front of the green.

Moses took out an 8-Iron and put his ball on the green a foot from the hole.

Jesus turned to Moses and said, "You know, I've seen Arnold Palmer use a 9-Iron to reach this green time after time." So, Jesus takes out his 9-Iron and hits his ball right into the middle of the lake. Jesus then walked out on the water to retrieve his ball from the lake, comes back to the tee and takes out his 9-Iron again.

Seeing this, Moses says to Jesus, "Maybe you need to go with an 8-Iron here."

No, no, no!" said Jesus. "Arnold Palmer always uses a 9-Iron to reach this green." So Jesus hits his ball....right back into the middle of the lake.

As Jesus is walking out on the water again to retrieve his ball, the group behind them walks up to the tee box. One of the gentlemen in the group approaches Moses and asks, "Just who does that guy think he is...Jesus Christ?"

"No" Moses answered, "Arnold Palmer."

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A rabbi, a priest and a minister got together for lunch once a week.

One day, one made the comment that preaching to people wasn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all got together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery went first. His arm was in a sling, he was using crutches to walk, and his arms and legs were heavily bandaged.

"Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to READ to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled DOWN one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So, fast as I could, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day PRAISING Jesus."

They both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start."

Edited by GoodSpeak

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?!?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been only $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan...."

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An Eastern Montana cowboy was tending his herd in a

remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a

dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci

shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and

asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie,

then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure,

Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell

notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to

a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite

navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then

feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an

ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in

Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in

Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm

Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then

accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a

response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page

report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and

finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of

my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of

the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the

trunk o f his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I

can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me

back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and

then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the government." says

the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how

did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the cowboy. "You

showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for

an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business."

"Now give me back my dog."

Edited by GoodSpeak

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Everybody's a critic.

sheesh

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A man comes home from a long day at work and parks his car in his driveway late one night. He slams the car door and hears a sound coming from behind him as he walks towards the front porch. He looks and sees a full sized coffin following him, making all sorts of noise, bouncing along towards him. The man, frightened by all of this, hurries to the porch and frantically unlocks the door. The coffin is still following him, hopping towards him, making a terrible racket. The man opens the door, hurries inside and locks the door behind him. He breathes a sigh of relief, then walks over to the window to see if the coffin is still outside.

Just as he's peering through the glass, he hears a loud smashing sound. The coffin has busted through the front door of his house. The man panics and runs upstairs. The coffin chases him up the staircase, opening and closing its lid, hopping up the steps, racing like crazy after him. The man runs into the bathroom, the coffin just steps behind him. He slams the bathroom door, but the coffin busts right through. The man reaches for the only thing he can find, a bottle of cough syrup, and throws it out of desperation.

And the coffin stops.

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On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair,

drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged

at this that she came over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung."

I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold

foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Rayban Sunglasses and

stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

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A coupla snail jokes:

A guy hears a knock at his door and answers it. There's a snail sittin' there looking up at him. Guy grabs the snail and flings it as far as he can.

Two years later. Same guy hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and there's the same snail, who says, "What'd you do that for?"

********************************************************************************

Two CalTrans workers are sitting on the side of the road eating their lunches when suddenly, one of them jumps up and stomps on a snail, then sits back down.

Perplexed, the other CalTrans worker asks, "What the hell did you do that for?"

He replies, "Damn snail's been following us for two days!"

Edited by GoodSpeak

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A Red Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees fan he saw strutting down the street in that obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.

One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.

Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirror but still didn't see anything.

He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees fan."

"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

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A family had twin boys whose only resemblance

to each other was their looks. If one felt it

was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.

If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed

the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in

every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other

a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins'

birthday their father loaded the pessimist's

room with every imaginable toy and game. The

optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's

room and found him sitting amid his new gifts

crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have

to read all these instructions before I can do

anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need

batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,"

answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father

found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

"What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's

got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

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Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they forgot to declare it first.

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George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil

Is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I

Have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell

You what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as

Bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool

Of water. He kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air.

Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't

Think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a

Sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,

Time after time after time, and more rocks appeared.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant

Agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" thought George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying

Naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs

Staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing

What she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally

Said,"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go."

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Here's one for Jim to try this winter...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been

married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her

quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a

cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in

the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried

to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,

but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss

Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to

the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park

a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The

directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would

prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all

winter?"

MG

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Golden oldie, "Ain't it the truth."

A man owned a small ranch in Texas.

The Texas Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher

Edited by MoGrubb

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