joke thread

[Tim McG]

When people talk about Santa's reindeer, hardly anybody ever mentions Olive.

You know, Olive.

Last I heard, Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call Rudolph names.

So, whatever happened to Olive?

[MoGrubb]

A recent study found the average golfer walks 900 miles a year

Another study found American golfers drink, on the average, 22 gallons

of beer a year.

That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the

gallon.

Kinda makes you Proud to be a Golfer.....Doesn't it?

[Tim McG]

A recent study found the average golfer walks 900 miles a year

Another study found American golfers drink, on the average, 22 gallons

of beer a year.

That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the

gallon.

Kinda makes you Proud to be a Golfer.....Doesn't it?

Yes.

Yes, it does

[Jazzmoose]

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it.

" The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?

" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog and the stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist." .

[Tim McG]

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third one ducked.

[Tim McG]

Two strings walk into a bar, sit down and order a beer.

The bartender leans over and glares at them then says, "We don't serve strings."

After they go outside, one string says to the other, "I'll get us a beer."

He proceeds to fray both ends of his string and tie himself into a knot. Then he goes back into the bar and orders a beer.

The same bartender leans over and says, "Didn't I just tell you we don't serve strings?"

"Frayed knot."

[MoGrubb]

.

Edited December 22, 2007 by MoGrubb

[Tim McG]

Did I ever tell you how Frank Sinatra once saved my life?

I was in the parking lot of the Sands Hotel in Vegas when three goons in suits suddenly showed up and started beating the hell out of me.

After a few minutes, Frank showed up and said, "Okay, boys, I think he's had enough."

[Tim McG]

A deaf couple, recently married, decided that they needed to find a way to communicate about their sexual needs when the lights were out.

After some thought, and blushing prettily, the young bride signed to her husband: "If you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast once. And if you don't, squeeze my right breast twice."

The husband thought for a moment and then replied: "And if you want to have sex pull my penis once."

"And if you don't, pull my penis fifty times."

[Larry Kart]

Did I ever tell you how Frank Sinatra once saved my life?

I was in the parking lot of the Sands Hotel in Vegas when three goons in suits suddenly showed up and started beating the hell out of me.

After a few minutes, Frank showed up and said, "Okay, boys, I think he's had enough."

That's from a Shecky Greene routine, apparently based on fact. As I recall, the actual wording was more abrupt:

"Frank Sinatra saved my life. It was in a parking lot in Las Vegas, three guys were beating the crap out of me, and Frank said, 'That's enough.'"

Coming from Shecky there was additional impact because he was a big, physical guy who obviously could take care of himself. The same night I heard him deliver that, he also went into some stuff about notorious mob-connected attorney Sidney Korshak that could have got him killed -- this in front of Sidney's niece, Margie Korshak, the publicist for the venue, her presence being the reason he went off in this vein. She was not all happy. Shecky liked to take risks.

[Guest Bill Barton]

A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a songbird.

As she is walking around, she hears a bird singing beautifully and, as if in

a trance, she follows the sound. There in a cage is a cheerful songbird

happily singing her little heart out.

A sign beneath the cage reads, "One thousand dollars for the pair." She

looks deeper into the cage and way back she sees this other haggard bird

with its head down, shaking it from left to right.

The clerk came over and the woman asked "How much for just the songbird?"

"I'm sorry. You'll have to buy the pair," says the clerk.

The woman says, "But that other bird is so haggard and looks so depressed,

and he's hanging his head and shaking it back and forth. This bird is so

happy and singing beautifully. Why do I have to buy that other bird?"

The clerk replies, "Because he's the arranger!"

[Jazzmoose]

[MoGrubb]

I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline".

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited, and asked ...

...if I could drive a truck.

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline".

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited, and asked ...

...if I could drive a truck.

MG

[JSngry]

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

There's often nothing better, or funnier, than a joke in extremely bad taste.

MG

[MoGrubb]

.....

There's often nothing better, or funnier, than a joke in extremely bad taste.

MG

I think so.

[JSngry]

No argument here.

[AllenLowe]

going back to Shecky Greene - Buddy Hackett said Greene once got drunk and drove his car into the fountain at one of the Vegas Hotels - when they came to fish him out, he looked at his rescuers and said "no hot wax."

[AllenLowe]

the other morning my kids started screaming, "the house is on fire." My wife said, "quiet, you'll wake up daddy."

[AllenLowe]

I was in Times Square and a hooker came up to me and said, "for 200 bucks I'll do anything you want."

I said, "paint my house."

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

I was in Times Square and a hooker came up to me and said, "for 200 bucks I'll do anything you want."

I said, "paint my house."

Wow! That is Tommy Cooper quality!

MG

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

A selection of Tommy Cooper jokes

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's

have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,

then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put

him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really

heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you

give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum

or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The

other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in

several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

MG

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

And a bunch of Peter Kay's

'I'm not homophobic, I love my house!'

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said, "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said, "Baa", I said, "Moo". He said, "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting; in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint, please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

MG

[BERIGAN]

Pretty funny jokes, in spite of the fact I have never heard of either guy!