Van Basten II Posted March 11, 2008 Report Share Posted March 11, 2008 Choosing A Wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him beca use she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money i n the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. So, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Good thing you did not post this joke march the 8th. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Magnificent Goldberg Posted March 11, 2008 Report Share Posted March 11, 2008 Good thing you did not post this joke march the 8th. ? MG Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted March 11, 2008 Report Share Posted March 11, 2008 Choosing A Wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him beca use she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money i n the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. So, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Good thing you did not post this joke march the 8th. Howcome? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aparxa Posted March 11, 2008 Report Share Posted March 11, 2008 International Women's Day Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted March 11, 2008 Report Share Posted March 11, 2008 International Women's Day Oh. They don't allow jokes on this day? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawn Posted March 11, 2008 Report Share Posted March 11, 2008 Natalie Portman Gangsta Rap I love this one.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted April 6, 2008 Report Share Posted April 6, 2008 NEW HUSBAND STORE A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: * You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! * There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. * The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chalupa Posted April 7, 2008 Report Share Posted April 7, 2008 A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center retirement home, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazzmoose Posted April 7, 2008 Report Share Posted April 7, 2008 Oh, so it's make fun of old fart's hearing day, is it? Okay... Three old men were sitting on a park bench. Papers and various items of trash are blowing by in the stiff breeze, and one decides to comment. "It's windy!" says the first. "No," says the second, "it's Thursday." "Me too," says the third, "let's head for the bar!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted June 20, 2008 Report Share Posted June 20, 2008 The Seven Kinds of Sex The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular) The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted June 20, 2008 Report Share Posted June 20, 2008 Grand Theft Auto 4 came out this week. Retail Stores are selling it for around 60 dollars. Now, if you've learned anything from playing the previous Grand Theft Auto releases, you would never pay that price. You'd drive your car through the storefront window, steal a copy, and run over the store manager on your way out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted June 20, 2008 Report Share Posted June 20, 2008 Did you see the article in the woman's magazine titled "All Men Are Liars"? It was right next to the push-up bra advertisement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chalupa Posted June 20, 2008 Report Share Posted June 20, 2008 A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am . . . How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeBop Posted July 25, 2008 Report Share Posted July 25, 2008 Two snowmen talkiing. "Say...do you smell carrots?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted July 25, 2008 Report Share Posted July 25, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted July 29, 2008 Report Share Posted July 29, 2008 A couple of guys see a dog in the street licking himself. One of the guys says, "Gee, I wish I could do that." Other guy says, "You should probably pet him first." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted October 6, 2008 Report Share Posted October 6, 2008 (edited) CHILI COOKOFF Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced. CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! ! CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor guy. FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report). Edited October 6, 2008 by GoodSpeak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim McG Posted October 6, 2008 Report Share Posted October 6, 2008 Proof that male humor is stuck in the 4th grade. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clifford_thornton Posted March 16, 2009 Report Share Posted March 16, 2009 A man is sitting in his easy chair reading the paper, when his eldest daughter, age 9, runs up to him and says "Daddy, Daddy! Why is my name Rose?" He replies, "Well, honey, when you were born, we couldn't decide on a name, but just then, a rose petal floated into the room and landed right on your forehead, and that's why we named you Rose." Just then, his middle daughter, age 7, runs up and says "Daddy, Daddy! Why is my name Snowflake?" He replies, "Well, honey, when you were born, we couldn't decide on a name, but just then, a snowflake floated into the room and landed right on your forehead, and that's why we named you Snowflake." Then, his youngest daughter runs up and says "NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNGH" And he says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazzmoose Posted March 16, 2009 Report Share Posted March 16, 2009 Reminds me of the joke about...um...nevermind; I just realized how offensive the joke I was about to add was... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clifford_thornton Posted October 5, 2009 Report Share Posted October 5, 2009 Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: Da End be Near Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late! As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!' From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash. Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say.....'Bridge Out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillF Posted October 5, 2009 Report Share Posted October 5, 2009 Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: Da End be Near Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late! As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!' From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash. Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say.....'Bridge Out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyJazz Posted October 5, 2009 Report Share Posted October 5, 2009 (edited) An elderly, very wealthy guy marries a young beautiful woman. On the wedding night, they are in separate bedrooms when the young woman hears a knock on the door and realizes that her husband evidently wishes to consummate the marriage. He enters and the deed is done. He returns to his bedroom when a half hour later, she again hears a knock on her bedroom door and sure enough, he enters and the marriage is yet again consummated. He returns to his room and surprisingly, one half hour later she again hears a knock on her bedroom door whereupon the husband enters, ready to go. She says, “I can’t tell you how surprised I am. I’ve been with men one-third your age and I honestly cannot recall anyone who was able to make love three times within such a short period of time.” He replies, “You mean I’ve been here already?” Edited October 5, 2009 by MartyJazz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnlitweiler Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 A couple of guys see a dog in the street licking himself. One of the guys says, "Gee, I wish I could do that." Other guy says, "You should probably pet him first." That is a variation on a scene in "The Grapes of Wrath": Boy & girl are watching 2 cows mate. He says to her, "I wish we could do that." Girl: "Go ahead, it's your cow." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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