My Dad

[jeffcrom]

I usually don't post this kind of personal stuff here, but I'm really sad tonight, and I feel that I've got many friends here.

My dad is 84. (He shares a birthday with Paul Secor, by the way.) He served in the navy at the end of World War II, but contracted polio after the war. This left him with post-polio syndrome, exacerbated by his stubbornness in continuing to push his physical abilities to the limit instead of conserving his strength, which we now know is the best course for polio survivors.

My mom died in 2005, and my dad has not really found any enjoyment in life since then. In the last couple of years, his physical and mental health have declined to the point that my sister and I didn't think that it was safe for him to live by himself anymore. He recognized this himself, and we found a nice assisted living facility for him to move into.

In the two weeks leading up to his move, he became very stressed out about the change, and wanted to back out. We pushed back, and he capitulated. He moved in yesterday, and kept talking about how depressing it was to not be independent any more. I had dinner with him tonight, and his cognitive state was the worst it's ever been. He said that he felt bad, and I pointed out that yesterday had been a stressful day with the move. This confused him, and he asked what I meant - it came out that he thinks he has lived there for quite a while.

So either we moved him in just the nick of time, or we caused him so much stress that we greatly accelerated his decline. I'm feeling guilty and depressed, but I hope he will stabilize once he settles into a routine. I wouldn't care if he had dementia if he was happy and enjoyed life, but right now I feel like we destroyed his old routine, accelerated his decline, and he's still not happy.

[medjuck]

Don't feel guilty. This is something most of us will have to face and our kids will have to face with us. You did the right thing.

[.:.impossible]

You have to know you did the right thing Jeff. This is a major change for you as well remember. Very stressful. He will ultimately be safer with supervision. You made the right decision. Visit as often as you are able and continue the conversation. Hang in there.

[JSngry]

Going through much the same thing with my mom, have been for a while now. If it's a good place (and I'm sure you'd not have moved him there if it wasn't), hey, you and your sister did the right thing.

Nothing beats total independence, but...that's not always a responsible option. Expect a period of adjustment for all, but if you can maintain regular contact and if he's willing to accept his new environment (eventually), it'll be ok.

My thoughts are with you. This kind of stuff tears you up inside, but...what are you going to do if not this?

[Dave James]

Life is full of difficult decisions. Did you do the right thing? You'll never know. What you do know is that the two of you did the best you could. No one can fault you for that. The worst thing you can do now is second guess yourself. Also keep in mind is that as the trauma of the move recedes, and your Dad acclimatizes himself to his new surroundings, things could get better.

Edited March 7, 2012 by Dave James

[BERIGAN]

Jeff, sorry about this...with an 80 year old Father, the future flat out scares me! One question. You said "I wouldn't care if he had dementia if he was happy and enjoyed life.." I assume he has been tested for this??? If not, you know he could have something else going on...doctors and Non experts make assumptions based on age alone...I've known 60 year olds that seem to have a 100 year old brain, and people in their 90's that are sharper about things than I am!

I have a friend who is in his 90's and he had to move into a fancy assisted living facility (since he and his daughter couldnt' get along) and it was really tough on him at first. His wife died years ago, he was I think the only African-American in the place..and his family was basically ignoring him thinking he was well cared for, so out of site, out of mind. Anyway, I know he was seeing a psychiatrist ,(Another example of people thinking, why would someone in their 90's go to one?) and it really helped him! Now, they clearly aren't cheap, and your Dad might balk at seeing one...just some thoughts...

Best of luck...you are a good son, because you do care, and want the best for your Dad.

[Brad]

Sympathies Jeff. We're going through the same thing with my mom right now, who lives with us. Her independence is key to her. That is being lost and I understand her plight. It's no fun to get old, that's for damn sure.

[jazzbo]

Just be a bit patient Jeff, he may well become more acclimated and begin to enjoy his new situation more. My girlfriend has just gone through the very same thing with her 86 year old mother, moved her from a decaying house in McAllen to an assisted living place here near her home. At fist her mom was truly despondent and disoriented; she too has big memory problems and had no immediate sense of what had happened. But over the course of the first week she perked up and is learning about her new place and seems happier. . . .

Give it a little time, and try not to overstress about it all. It could get better.

[Neal Pomea]

I agree with jazzbo, Jeff. Give yourselves some time to adjust. You're doing good for him.

[rostasi]

We were in almost the identical situation that Lon's girlfriend was in.

This was beginning back in October. Eighty-six (now 87) and was

resistant to leaving a home that she'd been in for 50 years. In the

new place, she's regularly greeted by staff and residents who have

an activity level that's pretty incredible. She is so busy living life

again that she doesn't find herself just sitting around thinking about

what needs to be done around the house or glued to a TV set feeding

her stories of fear and intimidation. The only thing that does concern

me a bit about your story is the sudden two-week decline.

I'm not a doctor, but it seems that he may want to get his heart rate

checked if he hasn't recently. If there was a sudden slowing of the

heart-rate (to, say, 50 bpm), it's possible that an insufficient amount

of both blood and oxygen may be reaching the proper areas and

could be causing sudden confusion. Sometimes, feet and ankle

swelling could be clues too. If all that has been checked, then great!

It could simply be the newness of the surroundings that have disturbed

the life patterns that many of us adhere to as we get older. Time and

interaction with other residents (who probably have stories of their

earlier resistance as well) will keep his mind busy and more than likely

return him to a happier disposition! Just hang in there - it's still a bit

too soon to tell right now. Check with him regularly if you can and

remind him that you care - that you didn't want to see him wasting

his time alone at home with no one to share his life stories.

Rod

---

Now playing: Delia Derbyshire - Liquid Energy

[papsrus]

You did the right thing, Jeff.

It's possible that the sudden change in his environment has triggered your father's heightened confusion. Short-term memory loss is a different thing than dementia or Alzheimer's, as I'm sure you know.

Rod's thoughts about blood flow are worth paying attention to. My mom had COPD and it was a real tricky thing to deal with as she declined. Consider asking his doctor about getting his oxygen and, just as importantly, his CO2 levels tested. These will tell you if he's getting the necessary oxygen to his brain and expelling the necessary CO2.

Sorry to get all arm-chair doctor on you, but my experience with my mother tells me that these things do affect memory and cognitive function in general.

Be a little cautious about the guidance that the staff at the facility gives you. They sometimes tend to want to offer reassurance and comfort, rather than clinical solutions, to both residents and family. Does the facility have a doctor or nurse either on-staff or who visits regularly? If they do, consult with them.

One big positive of the move is that your father is now surrounded by his peers, which can stimulate him. And hopefully the facility has activities that will be of interest to him, and he'll make some new friends (as well as a few folks who rub him the wrong way -- both are good and normal). Encourage him to get involved in some of those activities and even participate with him a little bit at first, if you can. Is there an art studio, workshop or piano? A dining room? A bar (Don't laugh. The place my dad and my now-deceased mom moved into has one -- with one of those piano players who plays "the music of your life" at cocktail hour).

One day at a time, and try to ensure that the facility is aware of, and pays attention to, your father's particular needs. And that they make an effort to integrate him into the community.

Best, James

[jeffcrom]

Thanks to all for your encouraging words. I know I need to give it more time, but I got a little freaked out by my dad's confusion about how long he had lived in his new place. Stress and worry really do a number on his mind and memory, and this has been a stressful couple of weeks for him. This is a good facility with an attentive nurse, so I'm hoping that he'll settle in and start enjoying life again.

[Clunky]

any change of environment can provoke acute confusion in the elderly especially if there is already some cognitive decline. Familiar faces and constant reassurance often allow such episodes to resolve themselves. Given how you are approaching things they should settle and allow you father to return to his normal self. Very stress for all. Good luck and best wishes.

Adrian

[skeith]

I am hoping that things improve for your father and for you and your sister.

[Christiern]

I don't think I can add anything to what has already been said here, Jeff, except that I strongly feel you have done the right thing. Being on the latter side of 80 myself, I could well be heading for the situation your father finds himself in. His age-related misfortune is greatly offset by having a son like you. Don't for a minute doubt that you have made a move that is beneficial to your dad.

[Pete C]

In the two weeks leading up to his move, he became very stressed out about the change, and wanted to back out. We pushed back, and he capitulated. He moved in yesterday, and kept talking about how depressing it was to not be independent any more. I had dinner with him tonight, and his cognitive state was the worst it's ever been. He said that he felt bad, and I pointed out that yesterday had been a stressful day with the move. This confused him, and he asked what I meant - it came out that he thinks he has lived there for quite a while.

So either we moved him in just the nick of time, or we caused him so much stress that we greatly accelerated his decline. I'm feeling guilty and depressed, but I hope he will stabilize once he settles into a routine. I wouldn't care if he had dementia if he was happy and enjoyed life, but right now I feel like we destroyed his old routine, accelerated his decline, and he's still not happy.

You did the right thing. Second thoughts about that kind of move are the norm--it's very disruptive to be pulled up from the familiar routine, and scary, but ultimately he'll benefit from closer care and a more social environment. That kind of confusion about where one is living is also very common, as I'm dealing with just this with my mother. She's 88, and was doing great until about a year ago, when she broke her hip. Before that she was independent and even still drove. Then she had another fall and a pelvic fracture, and concurrently went into a major cognitive decline, which now can only be called dementia (but I think the onset was too sudden, without build-up, to be Alzheimer's). I had tried to convince her to move to an assisted living facility (while she still had more of her wits about her), and she liked one and was ready to go, then made a complete about face. Now she's at home, with round the clock aides, doing very little. She also doesn't believe she's in her own condo--she thinks "they" took her to a nice place with closets full of nice clothes that fit her! I feel that she would have done much better in an environment with trained staff, memory workshops, and a community of other residents. It's tough for me, and I'm not even close with my mother, so I know how tough it must be for you.

So don't beat up on yourself. Just listen to some Leon Thomas instead.

Edited March 7, 2012 by Pete C

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

I'm sorry to hear this, Jeff. Sometimes the best thing you can do is really rotten. My mother died in 2009, aged 97. She was fine until her late eighties, then she couldn't cope. It hurts.

MG

[GA Russell]

Best wishes, Jeff.

I assume that your dad has a doctor who approved of this move. You might want to discuss this with him and see what his reaction to the news is. Perhaps a new prescription would be in order.

[mikeweil]

Jeff, there are no perfect solutions in situations like this. The changes you observe with your father probably would have happened anyway, sooner or later, but it sure is the best way to see he is taken care of in a place like to moved him to. That state of disorientation may just be his way to cope with it all ... You did the best you can, and you care, that's priceless. Put your doubts aside and make the best of it. We went through similar things with my mother some years ago - afterwards you can always say, we better had done this or that, but in the long run ... just go ahead, you certainly do it better than 95% of all people. You're a good guy, I wish you and your father all the best, and enjoy whatever time is left. To witness the decline is painful, but inevitable, but I'm sure he will accept it at some point.

[jeffcrom]

My wife and I are 600 miles from home tonight - we went ahead with a trip which had been planned for a while. (How's that for another layer of guilt?) But both my sister and sister-in-law visited my dad today, and report that he had a much better day. He went to a community singing, which he really enjoyed, and was generally more "with it." Like I said, for several years now, stressful situations have left him confused and disoriented, and I think this move just knocked him for a loop.

I've calmed down, too. I'm hopeful that he'll settle in and begin to enjoy life more than he has for the last several years. Thanks again to all for the words of encouragement.

[Jazzmoose]

I have no doubt that once you've gained a little distance from this, you'll realize you did the right thing by making sure your father was safe when the inevitable happened. Good luck to the three of you!

[jazzbo]

Good news Jeff! Keep us informed. . . all the best to your family.

[mikeweil]

My wife and I are 600 miles from home tonight - we went ahead with a trip which had been planned for a while. (How's that for another layer of guilt?) But both my sister and sister-in-law visited my dad today, and report that he had a much better day. He went to a community singing, which he really enjoyed, and was generally more "with it." Like I said, for several years now, stressful situations have left him confused and disoriented, and I think this move just knocked him for a loop.

I've calmed down, too. I'm hopeful that he'll settle in and begin to enjoy life more than he has for the last several years. Thanks again to all for the words of encouragement.

That's the best thing you can do, take care of yourselves and your wife just as well - looks like the rest of your family is on it, too - that's great. I remember a kind of hilarious situation when I was 300 miles away with my wife and my mother called and asked me to pick her up at the hairdresser to take her home - turned out she was alright and well in her living room ...

[Big Beat Steve]

You sure did the right thing, Jeff, and once more I feel it really was a blessing that my parents decided on their own and by their very own will to move into a retirement home that is organized in such a manner that people can take care of themselves (including meals, etc.) there as long as they are still able to and can then gradually take advantage of the assistance facilities there when it becomes necessary/unavoidable and/or when they feel they want to.

My parents were still doing OK enough (though they had some health issues) when they moved into their 3-room apartment there at age 72 (father) and 74 (mother), respectively. Their main impetus was that from a certain point on things could only go downhill so they wanted to make the move at a time they were preared for it on their OWN terms, and luckily they pretty much did manage on their own there until about 2 or 3 years ago and really enjoyed their life in that home where my father, in particular, quickly became sort of "indispensable" in a number of odd functions around the house (much to his satisfaction and fulfillment).

Starting 2 years ago, my mother now regularly has to have some assistance in the morning and in the evening but otherwise manages on her own and still is mentally very much on top (not bad when going on 88 now). My father died a year ago at not quite 85 after his health had failed relatively rapidly within about 1 1/2 years, but as they were able to use the assistance provided in that retirement home to the extent they actually needed it, gradually falling back on that assistance to an increasing degree made matters (i.e. coping with their failing health) easier for them to handle.

I think one major impetus for my parents to take the plunge was having seen the (unfortunately all too frequent) examples of others who stubbornly cling on to their old way of life even at a moment when it clearly is no longer feasible and there just is nobody there who with the best will in the world would be able to take care of them the way they need to (we have witnessed several cases of elderly persons who even at close to 90 literally had to be dragged into a retirement home though it had been evident for too long a time that they just could not manage on their own anymore and actually were a hazard to themselves, above all).

OTOH if you make that move when you can and do decide for yourself that it is time to move (on) then the attendant changes will be much easier to handle, and I can only urge anybody who may find themselves in the same position to think the matter over in good time.

[tranemonk]

I've got a similar case. My 80 year old mother lives at home (next door to her sister). She can barely take care of herself and I'm 300 miles away. One time she fell in the bathroom and laid there all night until her sister found her the next day. I think in your case, getting your dad good physical care is important...

Try and find some solace in that he is probably (hopefully) being well cared for. Sorry for you and him.