jazzbo

Jokes about Musicians.

21 posts in this topic

Okay I'll start with two that are probably among the first I've heard.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

What do you call a trombone player with a business card?

An optimist.

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From an interview with Shelly Manne:

Interviewer: 'Have you ever gone into the studio and had someone say: "I want you to sound like the guy who did the drums on ...?"

Shelly Manne: 'I did a date with Jimmy Bowen, the song was Fever. I had never worked with Jim, but I had made the original record of Fever with Peggy Lee. It actually said on my part 'Play like Shelly Manne'. So I played it just like I played it originally. The producer stormed out of the control room, walked over to me and said: "Can't you read English? It says 'Play like Shelly Manne'." When I told him I was Shelly Manne, he turned around and went back into the booth. I think he's selling cars now.'

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You are in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler and Kenny G. You have a gun, but only two bullets. What do you do?

Shoot Kenny G twice ... just to make sure.


What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

Edited by BillF

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Band leader: 'Can you sing from sheet music?'

Singer: 'Of course, but not the first time.'

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Since there's this new thread here....

A banjo player had to go downtown and run some errands after rehearsal, so he threw his banjo into the back seat of his car, drove downtown, and parked at a parking meter. He went to the post office, paid his water bill, and picked up some stuff at the hardware store. As he was paying for his purchases at the hardware store, he thought, " Oh my god - I left my banjo in plain sight in the back seat of my car in this dangerous city. Someone's going to break into my car!" So he ran back to his car, and his heart sank as he got close - the back window was broken out. He looked in, and sure enough, there were three more banjos in the back seat.

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What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?

You only have to punch information into a drum machine once.

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I'm reading Johnny Otis' 'Upside your head' over lunch just now, and this tickled me. I keep giggling about it, every time I think of it. It concerns Harlan Leonard's Rockets, which Johnny joined in 1943.

"Let vocalist Myra Taylor tell it. 'I had just joined Harlan Leonard's band and at our first rehearsal, Harlan asked what key I sang Summertime in. I told him B flat. Harlan turned to the band and said "OK, fellas, our arrangement is in C, so we'll transpose it to B flat." Trombonist Fred Beckett, who was drunk as a skunk at the time, answered, "Aw right, D flat." Harlan said. "No, B flat." Beckett blew spit out of his trombone slide and said, "Thass what I said, E flat." Saxophonist James Kieth looked back in exasperation and shouted, "B flat, motherfucker! BEE as in Botato!"

MG

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I remember Acker Bilk announcing "Temptation" in A flat.

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I like the one from an earlier Ronnie Scott thread...

young boy says to Ronnie.... "I want to be a drummer when I grow up",

Ronnie says.... 'c'mon now son.......you can't be both!


Since there's this new thread here....

A banjo player had to go downtown and run some errands after rehearsal, so he threw his banjo into the back seat of his car, drove downtown, and parked at a parking meter. He went to the post office, paid his water bill, and picked up some stuff at the hardware store. As he was paying for his purchases at the hardware store, he thought, " Oh my god - I left my banjo in plain sight in the back seat of my car in this dangerous city. Someone's going to break into my car!" So he ran back to his car, and his heart sank as he got close - the back window was broken out. He looked in, and sure enough, there were three more banjos in the back seat.

There's a variation on this....

Guy parks his car in a dark street.

When he gets back to his car...... someone has smashed his back window and thrown a set of bagpipes in there.

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Have we had this one?

"Definition of perfect pitch: when you throw a banjo in the trash can, and hit an accordion."

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Have we had this one?

"Definition of perfect pitch: when you throw a banjo in the trash can, and hit an accordion."

Mucho giggles.

A guy I used to work for in the Civil Service was the ONLY Scottish bagpipe player in South Wales. He got a gig every New Year's Eve, marching through Cardiff playing traditional bagpipe music.

He told me once that all traditional Scottish bagpipe music was pentatonic.

MG

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He told me once that all traditional Scottish bagpipe music was pentatonic.

So, bagpipes + Coltrane=

rufus_harley_pic.jpg

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A guitarist sat tuning his instrument all through the first set that the band played. Each time the leader pointed to him to take a chorus, he would say, "No, man, I'm still tuning up." Half an hour into the gig he was still not ready.

"Why do you need so much time for tuning?" asked the leader. "When I went to hear Segovia he played a whole concert and I didn't see him tune up once!"

The guitar player gave a shrug. "Some cats just don't give a damn!"

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Two musicians were driving down a road. All of a sudden they noticed the Grim Reaper in the backseat. Death informed them they had an accident and they both died. But, before he would take them into eternity, he granted that each musician could have one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musican said he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Acky-Breaky Heart for remembrance. So that was granted. When it was time for the second musician to reveal his wish, he said: "I was a jazz musican... just kill me now!"

Edited by page

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Question: How many girl singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Two. One to hold the diet coke and the other to get to persuade the accompanying musician to do it.

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How do you know when there's a drummer at your door?

The knocking speeds up.

How do you know when there's a piano player at your door?

He doesn't know when to come in.

How do you know when there's an accordion player at your door?

The knocking carries on even after you've told them to go away.

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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

You get an A flat minor.

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Here's a heartwarming tale about what a dedicated musician has to put up with just to make a living in an unappreciative world that always wants something for nothing...

Musician's Wife: Honey, can't you at least do a little work for a temp agency, you know, to bring is a little extra money. The bills are all overdue, the kids' cloths are all ragged, their shoes don't fit, and there's really no food for them except what people bring over. And I think I might have the flu...and us with no insurance. Couldn't you work just a few hours a day, SOMETHING to help out?

MUSICIAN: Hey, you're starting to sound like my ex-wife!

Musician's Wife: Oh, dear. I didn't know that you were married before you met me.

MUSICIAN: I wasn't.

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Two musicians were driving down a road. All of a sudden they noticed the Grim Reaper in the backseat. Death informed them they had an accident and they both died. But, before he would take them into eternity, he granted that each musician could have one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musican said he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Acky-Breaky Heart for remembrance. So that was granted. When it was time for the second musician to reveal his wish, he said: "I was a jazz musican... just kill me now!"

I put that joke into Mojo Snake Minuet, pages 103-4, only it was 22 saxophone players, Prez and Trane.

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I put that joke into Mojo Snake Minuet, pages 103-4, only it was 22 saxophone players, Prez and Trane.

aid he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Acky-Breaky Heart for remembrance. So that was granted. When it was time for the second musician to reveal his wish, he said: "I was a jazz musican... just kill me now!"

Ah, I didn't know. The jokes are all new to me. I'm not a native English speaker. :shrug[1]:

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