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The opening of Ronnie Scott's "autobiography":

I was born in a room over a Jewish pub in the east end of London. It was called The Kosher Horses. We were very poor. My father was always unemployed. He was a shepherd.

We were so poor my parents had to buy my clothes at the Army and Navy Stores. Imagine me going to school during the Second World War wearing a Japanese admiral's uniform.

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OK a tad scatological.

Three old men are discussing their medical issues.

The first one says, "Oy, I'm so constipated. Twenty days straight now."

The second one says, "you think that's so bad, I'm up and down every 30 minutes, needing to pee. I can't get a wink of sleep."

The third one looks at his friends and informs them they have no troubles compared to him:

"Every night I sleep like a baby, and at 7 am I pee like a racehorse. At 8 am, I have a nice satisfying bowel movement."

His friends look at him and one says, "how does that possibly compare?"

"I don't wake up until 9."

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10 minutes ago, Dan Gould said:

OK a tad scatological.

Three old men are discussing their medical issues.

The first one says, "Oy, I'm so constipated. Twenty days straight now."

The second one says, "you think that's so bad, I'm up and down every 30 minutes, needing to pee. I can't get a wink of sleep."

The third one looks at his friends and informs them they have no troubles compared to him:

"Every night I sleep like a baby, and at 7 am I pee like a racehorse. At 8 am, I have a nice satisfying bowel movement."

His friends look at him and one says, "how does that possibly compare?"

"I don't wake up until 9."

:tup

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I was reminded of this joke yesterday, 30-odd years after I first heard it, and found it online (isn't everything?) I'm afraid it will  probably be meaningless to all non-Brits, unless Fairy Liquid ever made it out of the UK.

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.


Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so
mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't.

Yervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists  that he wants to eat it.

 

Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.

 

Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry
and he can't eat it.

 

The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise, with mild green hairy lip squid.

 

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A man tells his psychiatrist that his wife sent him to see him because he liked cotton socks. The doctor replies that there is nothing unusual about liking cotton socks. The patient exclaims, “How do you like yours, with a twist of lemon, or oil and vinegar?”

Edited by Ken Dryden
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12 minutes ago, Ken Dryden said:

A man tells his psychiatrist that his wife sent him to see him because he liked cotton socks. The doctor replies that there is nothing unusual about liking cotton socks. The patient exclaims, “How do you like yours, with a twist of lemon, or oil and vinegar?”

That was in pretty poor taste.

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