Joke of the Day

[Coda]

How do you know a banjo player is trying to break into your house? They can’t find the key and they don’t know where to come in.

[Rabshakeh]

10 minutes ago, Coda said:

How do you know a banjo player is trying to break into your house? They can’t find the key and they don’t know where to come in.

I am not a "jokes" guy but one that stuck in my head was: What's the difference between a banjo player and a gorilla? A gorilla might be on the way to a gig.

Stuck in head not necessarily the same as made me laugh.

[JSngry]

13 minutes ago, Rabshakeh said:

I am not a "jokes" guy but one that stuck in my head was: What's the difference between a banjo player and a gorilla? A gorilla might be on the way to a gig.

Stuck in head not necessarily the same as made me laugh.

A popular variant substitutes "trombone player on a Saturday Night" and "frog". 

[GA Russell]

A travelling salesman walks up the driveway, and knocks on the door.

After a while the door opens, and a little boy, about 9, stands with a glass of whisky in one hand and a cigar in the other.

The salesman says, “Oh, hi. Is your mummy or daddy home?”

The little boy looks at his whisky and his cigar, and says, “Does it look like it?”

[JSngry]

And that little boy grew up to be ...

Ron White!!!!! 

[Ken Dryden]

A man had a problem with his sound of his gas discharges, they changed from the normal Bronx cheer to the sound, "Honda..." His doctor was mystified, so he sent him to a proctologist. Shortly after the patient undressed and was examined, the doctor exclaimed, "I found the problem, you have an abscess!" The man asked, "What's an abscess got to do with it?" the doctor replied, "Abscess make the fart go Honda."

Edited February 9 by Ken Dryden

[ejp626]

I heard this groaner the other day:

Why are fire engines red?

Because they are always rushin'.

[GA Russell]

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients, and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:  "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering, "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

[GA Russell]

A bartender in the old west is busy cleaning glasses when a guy comes bursting thru the swinging doors gasping “Big Earl's a-commin' into town”.  Immediately, all the drinkers drop whatever they're doing, run out the door and down the street. The bartender thinks this is a little odd (he's new in town), but whatever. He steps away from the bar, and starts cleaning up tables.

Pretty soon, he hears loud foot steps coming towards the saloon. Then the biggest guy he's ever seen rips the doors off, tosses them aside, bends down a little to get thru the doorway. He sees the bartender cowering behind a table, picks him up, tosses him behind the bar, walks over and says, “Whiskey”.

Terrified, the bartender gets a glass and a bottle and brings them over. The guy grabs the bottle, breaks the top off with his teeth, and drinks it down, dashing the bottle into shards on the floor. The bartender says, “Can I get you anything else, sir”?

“Nope.  Gotta run.  Big Earl's coming.”

[GA Russell]

A horse walks into a bar, and orders three drinks.

The bartender says, “Hey, ain't you been in here ordering three drinks every day this week? You some kind of lush or sumthin'?”

The horse replies, “No, I don't think I am.” And just like that, the horse vanishes.

I'd explain why, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

[GA Russell]

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hotdog vendor, and says, “Make me one with everything.”

The vendor hands over the hotdog, and the Dalai Lama pays for it.  He waits for a moment, and then demands, “What about my change?”

The vendor replies, “Change comes from within.”

[GA Russell]

The English are fighting the Scots again. The English army is camped on a hill waiting for a deep fog to clear. Out of the fog comes a Scottish shout:

“One Scotsman is worth two Englishmen.”

Many men volunteer and two of the biggest are selected. They advance down into the fog. Soon the sound of fighting can be heard, but it doesn’t last long. Then there is another shout:

“One Scotsman is worth four Englishmen”.

Four more volunteers are quickly selected and they advance down into the fog together. The sound of more fighting can be heard. It lasts a bit longer, but soon it goes quiet again, and then the same Scottish voice calls once more.

“One Scotsman is worth a platoon of Englishmen”.

There is a longer debate this time but soon a platoon advances steadily down into the fog. This time the sound of fighting goes on for quite a long time, and a few screams. Eventually all is quiet, and then the same Scottish voice calls again.

“One Scotsman is worth a battalion of Englishmen.”

The English are now quite worried but in due course a battalion is prepared and starts advancing into the fog. But a groan is heard on the ground at their feet. An English soldier barely alive has managed to crawl back up the hill, and he cries out:

“Don’t go in, it’s a trap. There’s two of the bastards.”

[mjazzg]

4 hours ago, GA Russell said:

The English are fighting the Scots again. The English army is camped on a hill waiting for a deep fog to clear. Out of the fog comes a Scottish shout:

“One Scotsman is worth two Englishmen.”

Many men volunteer and two of the biggest are selected. They advance down into the fog. Soon the sound of fighting can be heard, but it doesn’t last long. Then there is another shout:

“One Scotsman is worth four Englishmen”.

Four more volunteers are quickly selected and they advance down into the fog together. The sound of more fighting can be heard. It lasts a bit longer, but soon it goes quiet again, and then the same Scottish voice calls once more.

“One Scotsman is worth a platoon of Englishmen”.

There is a longer debate this time but soon a platoon advances steadily down into the fog. This time the sound of fighting goes on for quite a long time, and a few screams. Eventually all is quiet, and then the same Scottish voice calls again.

“One Scotsman is worth a battalion of Englishmen.”

The English are now quite worried but in due course a battalion is prepared and starts advancing into the fog. But a groan is heard on the ground at their feet. An English soldier barely alive has managed to crawl back up the hill, and he cries out:

“Don’t go in, it’s a trap. There’s two of the bastards.”

That really did make me 😂. Such a long and complicated history we have with our northern neighbours, beautifully summarised right there

[Ken Dryden]

On 1/6/2024 at 11:07 PM, GA Russell said:

The English are fighting the Scots again. The English army is camped on a hill waiting for a deep fog to clear. Out of the fog comes a Scottish shout:

“One Scotsman is worth two Englishmen.”

Many men volunteer and two of the biggest are selected. They advance down into the fog. Soon the sound of fighting can be heard, but it doesn’t last long. Then there is another shout:

“One Scotsman is worth four Englishmen”.

Four more volunteers are quickly selected and they advance down into the fog together. The sound of more fighting can be heard. It lasts a bit longer, but soon it goes quiet again, and then the same Scottish voice calls once more.

“One Scotsman is worth a platoon of Englishmen”.

There is a longer debate this time but soon a platoon advances steadily down into the fog. This time the sound of fighting goes on for quite a long time, and a few screams. Eventually all is quiet, and then the same Scottish voice calls again.

“One Scotsman is worth a battalion of Englishmen.”

The English are now quite worried but in due course a battalion is prepared and starts advancing into the fog. But a groan is heard on the ground at their feet. An English soldier barely alive has managed to crawl back up the hill, and he cries out:

“Don’t go in, it’s a trap. There’s two of the bastards.”

LOL!

[Stompin at the Savoy]

An Australian airliner had landed and was proceeding towards the gate as the pilot concluded some announcements to the passengers. He forgot to turn off the microphone and caused some passengers to chuckle when he remarked to his co-pilot: "All I need now is an ice cold beer and a red hot Sheila!" One of the stewardesses ran toward the cockpit to inform the captain of his error and a passenger called out: "Don't forget his ice cold beer!"

[GA Russell]

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief, and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan.  I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this?" said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager, and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell him, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and wants to borrow $50,000.  And he wants to use this as collateral."  Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Ken Dryden]

This joke should give away my age.

A mongrel dog who was new to the neighborhood was making his rounds and encountered two stuffy French poodles. He greeted them and asked for their names. The female dog arrogantly replied, "My name is Fifi, F-I-F-I." The male dog was equally condescending, answering, "My name is Bobo, B-O-B-O." Then the male poodle asked, "Well, what is your name?" The mongrel dog replied, "My name is Fido, P-H-I-D-E-A-U-X..."

The joke is funnier told than in print...

 

 

[Teasing the Korean]

An accordion player left his accordion in the car while parked in a rough neighborhood.  When he returned, the car was broken into, and there were two more accordions in the car.

[Ken Dryden]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a Zoom call with their company's CEO.

The CEO asks, “Can you see me?” They respond, “Yes,” “Oui,” “Si,” “Ja.”

[GA Russell]

A man had suffered with terrible headaches for seven years.

The doctors could do nothing to help.  Finally, one doctor explained that the only thing left that would work was castration.

So he had his balls cut off. His headaches immediately went away.

He felt so good that he wanted to buy a new sport coat. So he goes to a men's store, and tells the salesman that he wants to purchase a sport coat. The salesman says, "You’re a 42 Regular." The man is impressed, and asked, "How did you know?" 

"That’s my job," the salesman states. "Would you like some pants to go with that?" The man is still excited, and says, "Sure."  "OK," the salesman says.  "You’re a 36 / 30."

The man says, "No, I’m a 32 / 30."

The salesman says, "Listen, if you wear a 32, it will squeeze your balls so tight you’ll get headaches."

[GA Russell]

I'm not the man I used to be.  Why should I pay off his debts?

[GA Russell]

George Bernard Shaw:  "Marriage is an institution that allows two people to endure together the troubles they wouldn't have had if they had remained single."

[Ken Dryden]

In case you haven't had enough foolishness, today, I submit this piece for your reading..

.

The full article can be found at All About Jazz.

[Stompin at the Savoy]

Stormy Daniels says that she and Trump had an affair. Trump says they didn't. Who are you going to believe - the fake blond with big breasts, or Stormy Daniels?

[GA Russell]

Two brothers wake up one morning and decided they were mature and needed to show it. So they decided to cuss in front of their parents. The older brother told the younger to use the word “damn” and he’d use “hell”.

They go downstairs for breakfast and mom asks the younger what he would like.

“I guess I’ll have some damn Toasties,” he says.

Mom whales into him and then grounds him for a week. She then turns to the older son and says “Now what do you want, Smarty?”

The older brother looks at the younger, still smarting and decrying his week-long punishment. He looks at his mom then looks back again at his brother and says:

“Well, I sure as hell don’t want any Toasties!”