how cds are reviewed

[cliffpeterson]

the following was emailed to me. if you are drinking coffee, you may want to put it down:

The following is an extract from the Reviewers Digest, Fourth Edition

(sub-section: CD Reviews; sub-sub-section: Jazz Singers).

Because this Digest was hitherto Top Secret, I am risking legal (and

maybe lethal) action by the CIA, FBI, DDT and RSPB in making this

exposé, I shall therefore be grateful if, after reading this message,

you will eat it.

Thank you.

XXXXXXXXX

------------------------

Reviewers Digest, Fourth Edition (sub-section: CD Reviews;

sub-sub-section: Jazz Singers).

On receipt of the CD, allocate a notional score of 20 points. (This is

to acknowledge the fact that someone has gone to a lot of trouble to

make this and send it to you and that no one along the way has stolen it.)

1. Examine the packaging. If it is in one of those nifty little flexible

plastic packs or the cardboard gatefold type, add 1 point. If it is in

one of those so-called jewel boxes that crack and splinter when you look

at them, deduct one point.

2. If the case is shrink-wrapped, deduct one point for the fingernail you

are about to break. If, beneath the shrink-wrap, there is one of those

sticky barcode thingummies redundantly gluing the case shut, deduct a

further point for stupidity.

3. Examine the illustration on the front of the CD case. If there is a

picture of the singer and more than 10% of the surface of the body is

naked, deduct one point. This is in order to refute later allegations

that you were seduced by the implicit offer of sexual favours. (NB: this

rule applies for male singers as well as for female singers. The

previous ruling, that a picture of a partially-naked man was penalized

two points, had been withdrawn following allegations of homophobia made

by the San Francisco Chamber of Commerce. Also note that this rule

applies equally to male and female reviewers.)

4. Examine the information on the back of the CD case. If you do not

recognize the titles of at least half of the songs listed, deduct one

point. (Singers who insist on writing their own songs must be taught a

lesson. However, please note the rider to Rule 15.)

5. Now open the case. If the CD promptly falls out because (a) the sleeve

design is so bad you couldn't tell you were holding it upside down, or

(b) too many of the little plastic fingers have broken off because they

are made of the same duff plastic as the jewel boxes, deduct one point.

Health warning: Remember to pause at this moment and strain your coffee

in case one of the aforementioned plastic fingers fell in your cup.)

6. Inspect the liner notes. If they are printed in a type size so small

that it requires 20:20 vision, plus a magnifying glass and a bright

light, deduct 1 point. If the printing is in yellow on a white ground,

dark brown on a dark blue ground, pink on purple, or vice versa, or any

similar combination, including white print on black, deduct one point.

Black print on white ground, add one point. If the general design is

clearly the work of a second-year art student with learning

difficulties, deduct one point. (If the designer is one of the singer's

younger siblings, deduct a further point. Nepotism will not be tolerated.)

7. At this point, you might wish to check the total of points. So far, a

possible ten points might have been deducted. If this is the case, you

may now discard the CD. No matter how good it is, there is no way it can

make up a deficit of ten. Bin it, and move on.

8. If the CD has survived, you must now read the liner note. All of it.

Sorry, but this must be done. You are supposed to be carrying out a

public service here and so far you have done nothing but sit there. If

there is no liner note, deduct one point. How are you supposed to know

what's happening if no one tells you? If the liner note contains more

than 17 spelling mistakes and/or typographical errors deduct one point.

If the name of a composer and/or instrumentalist is misspelled deduct a

further point. If the singer's own name is misspelled, bin it.

9. If the liner note actually tells you something you did not already

know, add one point. (NB: Useful things, of course. Telling you the name

of the singer's dressmaker is not regarded as useful information.)

10. Count the number of people to whom the singer offers thanks. More

than ten deduct one point, deducting a further point for every five

additional names. (This is to counter time-wasting attempts to break the

World Record, currently believed to be held by Eve Cornelious in the

liner for "I Feel Like Some Jazz Today", where 67 persons are named.

This trend must be stamped out. If more than four of the people

acknowledged are dead, deduct a further point. I mean, come on, they're

dead for God's sake, they can't read the damn notes can they. Or hear

the CD. Just because it makes the singer feel good is no excuse. Singers

are not put on this Earth to feel good. They are here to entertain those

of us who are too busy doing proper jobs to spare the time to sing

themselves. (NB: For these purposes, God counts as a dead person.)

11. Now place the CD in your player and check the running time. Less than

40 minutes, deduct five points. More than forty but less than sixty,

deduct one point. More than sixty, add one point. More than seventy, add

two points. Remember, we live in a commercial age. Quantity beats

quality every time. This might be a useful moment to re-check the points

deducted and apply the same rule as before, binning any CD that does not

have a chance of getting into the black.

12. Sorry about this, but any CD that has survived so far, must now be

played. There really is no possible alternative. Just grit your teeth,

take any medication prescribed, and press the start button. (NB: For

these purposes, as indeed for many others, booze counts as medication.)

Having played the CD all the way through (Yes, ALL the way), please

return to these notes.

13. There, that wasn't as bad as you thought it would be, was it.

14. If you were able to sing (hum, chant, whistle, doo-de-doo), along

with more than half the tracks without losing the beat, award an A.

15. If you are able to recall the melody and/or lyrics of any "original"

material for more than seventeen seconds after the track ended, award an

A (and think of nominating the writer to the Irving Berlin Hall of Fame).

16. If the singer lets the instrumentalists take solos, award a B.

17. If you fell asleep before the CD ended, award a B. (This is just in

case it was really rather good and you wouldn't want to look a fool just

because you took a hard-earned nap, now would you.)

18. If the CD is by a so-called jazz singer and she/he scats, award a C.

(Billie Holiday didn't scat, so just who the hell do these people think

they are?)

19. Anything that does not qualify for an A or a B or a C, award a D.

20. If you feel an irresistible urge to play the record again, don't.

This is hallucinatory. It's the medication (or the booze) speaking.

21. You have now completed your review and all that is left is for you to

write it. Please go to the website http://www.tirofllefu.com from where,

if you follow the instructions, you can extract boilerplate reviews,

clicking on A, B, C or D as appropriate. You will note that there are no

really bad reviews, even the D is not actually cruel. Partly, this is

because if you have followed these instructions correctly, you should

have got rid of the truly duff stuff. Chiefly, though, this is just in

case, one day, you happen to meet one of these singers. You don't want a

poke in the eye with a finger, however well manicured it might be, now

do you. (It has been known to happen.) Now download, print and sign and

send off to the magazine/newspaper/whatever, and you are now free to

spend the rest of the day doing something really useful.

Edited December 10, 2004 by cliffpeterson

[neveronfriday]

Bad news for Verve.

[Rooster_Ties]

If you are drinking coffee, you may want to put it down.

Excellent advice!!!