Australia

[Brownian Motion]

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are actual responses from website officials.

Q. Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)

A. We import all plants fully grown then just sit around and watch them die.

Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A. Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railway tracks? (Sweden)

A. Sure, it's only 3,000 miles, take lots of water.

Q. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A. So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q. Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A. What did you last slave die of?

Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is the big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not.. oh forget it. .... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q. Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A. Face south then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send you the rest of the directions.

Q. Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q. Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A. You're a British politician, right?

Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?(Germany)

A. No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q. Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A. Rattlesnakes live in Am-eri-ca which is were YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q. I have a question about a famous animal that lives in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)

A. It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q. Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A. No, we don't smell.

Q. I have developed a new product that is the Fountain of Youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A. Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q. Can you tell me the regions of Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A. Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q. Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A. Only at Christmas.

Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A. Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

Very nice. Here's another Aussie set of responses.

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us, who fly routinely in our jobs, sounds familiar!

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a "P") and the solutions recorded (marked with an "S") by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.(I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

MG

Edited October 23, 2007 by The Magnificent Goldberg