The Groper

Well, that does it--no "Waltz for Three People." I'm obviously odd man out since I haven't been able to free myself of Demon Tobacco. The two of you would be into your most creative contortions while I was negating my libido with a smoke break. I don't even think my Quadra Ionic Breeze can salvage this action. (BTW, my last ex, also an ex-smoker, gave the contraption to me as a last-ditch effort to save our marriage. I fumbled her noble gesture badly when, in deference to her HIGH-TONED INTERIOR DECORATIVE SENSE, I asked her where to put it. Her reply was not sexually stimulating--at least to me. It seems I am doomed to contemptuous misconstruction of my earnest attempts to place the female objects of my affection ON A PEDESTAL.) Your replies tend to ramble, Patty, so maybe that's why I'm not always sure what you're trying to say, nor do you always seem to know what I'm saying. The sofa-sized painting was of a HAIRLESS FEMALE NUDE. I fantasize it as YOU. Your suggestion that I lust after dogs is a new low, worse than the insinuation that (gay) Tennessee Williams and I share a prism through which we view women. And what's your problem with plaid anyway? Is it only shirts and sofas or a BLANKET distaste? As for your chosen birthplace, it's a perfect refuge for monarchists, aliens of dubious legality and draft-dodgers. The problem is when they and their descendants presume to interject their irrelevant opinions into serious geopolitical (read U.S.) discussions. I'm sorry, DEEP. I thought we were onto something with Patty, but she's just too ill-tempered and SHY--COY--DISINGENUOUS--SELF-ABSORBED--REMOTE--SELF-PITYING...am I getting warm?...but really, Patty, I'm just passive/aggressively FUNNIN' YA!

DEEP: You may have just queered the deal. No doubt Patty will take the "tweezer" opening you gave her and make some smug, inane CANUCK remark about our respective endowments. That's okay, though. Just as long as she keeps it softcore but NASTY! You gotta love her brand of cock-teasing. Your Fellow Ugly, Plaid, Aged Franklin Stove, The Groper

DEAR PATRICIA: You misunderstand me AND you are suffering a serious humor (that's humour to you) deficiency. You were the one who put me and (gay) Tennessee Williams in a similar context, not to mention gratuitous comments about my sartorial and interior decorative shortcomings. No problem; I'm vulnerable to SOME of those criticisms. I am not, however, a misogynist--I am a failed romantic. I confess that your tough talk turns me on a little, so if I repulse you--WHY DO YOU KEEP IT UP? I just can't get over the vision of you plucking each bodily hair ONE BY PRECIOUS ONE. How about a threesome with DEEP? He'd keep us both honest. In Excruciating Hibernation, THE GROPER

I guess a guy can't even run out to Wal-Mart for a few essentials without certain DILETTANTES gettin' all HIGH-TONED on him. (Thanks for bringing it back to earth level, DEEP.) Actually, I got hung up in the parking lot of my favorite emporium (that is, since the Hudson's Bay Co. went belly-up). Some ART CONCESSIONAIRES were offering a fine line of first-edition oil-on-velveteen masterworks out of the rear of a VINTAGE Chevy van. I availed myself of this rare opportunity to purchase a most elegant sofa-sized rendering of a hairless nude woman, purportedly the wife of a minor functionary in the employ of the 16th Century Florentine Medici family, renowned for their superior taste and ruthlessness. I carted my treasure home and, keeping in mind PATRICIA's strident exhortations, mounted the beauty above my ugly plaid sofa, DIRECTLY BLOCKING THE VIEW through my bay window. (There were nothing but trees and the morning sunrise to see there anyway.) Then, from my recliner, I consumed a volume of SAKE while contemplating, at my leisure, my good fortune at having PATTY to correct my myriad deficiencies and perversions. PHILISTINE? AU CONTRAIRE! I am now an ARRIVISTE, AVANT GARDE, even. I am now officially the first GAY MASTURBATOR south of CANADA, a distinction not even Conn500 can claim (right?). Thank you, Patty--I mean BUTCH!

THAT'S more like it, Patty--I love when the claws come out. I especially liked the (gay) Tennessee Williams innuendo. But how could you have possibly known I favor ugly plaid shirts? Is that the telltale sign of PHILISTINISM? Then I plead GUILTY AS CHARGED! Whip me, beat me, chain me, but RESPECT ME! Just don't try to deny your own prurient interest in this thread--THAT'S what I mean by disingenuous. In Lock-Step Behind a Smirking Simpleton But With Happy Feet While Suffering Hillary-Pillory, The Groper

What's it gonna be, Patty--TOUGH GUY or DELICATE BLOSSOM? You remind me of that classic COQUETTE (reputed woman of easy virtue), BLANCHE DUBOIS: "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." Get back to your disingenuous SPINDOCTORING!

DEEP: I think any rational, objective adult can see that PATTY has an innate natural FLOW with which she should GO. She just needs encouragement to GRASP THE OLIVE BRANCH. I see now that your gift to her is of a therapeutic nature. Pity that poor Christiern can't see the wisdom in REACHING OUT. You are truly a misunderstood humanitarian.

Patricia: Now we're getting close to the bone, so to speak. You go on at length about "personal massagers" and then get indignant that I call them "masturbatory devices." Now THERE'S a distinction without a difference. You claim to be blowing misconstrued kisses. You reject a call for a nude photo of yourself as being "seventh-grade," but dare DEEP and myself to post same. Now I don't care for crass photos that leave nothing to the imagination, but I've pointed out (accurately, I think) that you have a certain knack for SOFT-CORE PORN. In that context, you and DEEP are engaged in a SOFT/HARD TANGO. DANCE, LITTLE COQUETTE, DANCE! Your next stop could be TRUE sophistication. "Gunned down in the street?" Where the hell did that come from? Must be that vast left field known as CANADA. And is it MEANNESS you object to or MEANING?

Aw shucks, Patty--I thought I WAS being interesting--perceptive and entertaining even. Obviously I've hit a nerve. I tell you what--let's take a poll. All other posters vote yea or nay on the question: Were Patty's posts on masturbatory devices HOT, and does she seem to have a strange attraction to DEEP's repulsive vulgarities? I am totally disinterested--in hibernation reconfirmed--in no way possessive (that was DEEP) All I care about is TRUTH, JUSTICE AND THE CANADIAN WAY!

HEY! Deepisaloser lurker! Lurk in plain sight--Let's see YOUR BALLS!

Patty, You've got to believe me when I say that I am just trying to LIBERATE you--from DEEP, who attracts you like the flame to your moth; from your COY act, during which you pretend to "educate" us voyeurs in the history of masturbatory devices while denying ever having employed same; and from your pseudo-sophisticated take on politics, art, life, etc. You ARE fourteen years old, sucking on a popsicle because you're afraid to suck on the REAL THING. Cyberspace is your 21st century version of "the vapors." You've got potential, kid--give us something to really curl our mukluks! ...And (not to disappoint) a word on behalf of THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD: IF The Emperor has no clothes, ALL THE BETTER TO SEE HIS BALLS!

To review: My sex life is in hibernation; however the titillating PATRICIA is causing some DEEP stirrings within. The real kick is that I can imagine thrills WITHOUT PHYSICAL CONTACT. She has a gift for long-distance hand-jobs. I don't want to see any snowmobiles, dog-sleds OR MODEL A's in my driveway--with or without chains. But she surely craves some kind of abuse, considering her ignorant Canadian rants about my beleaguered hero, DUBYA. I'm all a-tingle with lascivious loathing. Surely you, as a recalcitrant reprobate, can appreciate that.

DEEP: Can't find the WOD site, but then again I'm pretty limited in my computer skills. If my guess is right, though, Patty has a whole lot more to offer than her suggestive comments here. It seems quite significant that she's apparently the only female posting. I know I'm being drawn into her "web" and apparently she's got you to a stage of blithering, foaming SEMEN OVERLOAD! No wonder you need to see your urologist tomorrow.

DEEP: I see you're in "green with envy" mode again. Let's try not to make this our own mutual rivalry. It's obvious that Patty is an exhibitionist who loves to prance and tease before the whole Organissimo crowd. All I'm saying is--GO FOR IT, PATTY! TAKE IT ALL OFF!

Let's see, Zihuatanejo--is that near Guantanamo or Guantanamera? And what's a "Bloviation kit?" Does any of it relate to Patty's history of dildoes? Why is she up to (only) her hips in snow and cold? Doesn't she have a remedy or is it a simple cry for help? C'mon, Patty, you were just hitting your stride with the teasing--Give us something we can really get off on!

DEEP in the heart of your johnson: You'd better hope that "Tomorrow and tomorrow... creeps in its petty pace until the last syllable of recorded time..." May your "candle" be only "brief(ly)" "out." Then--Willie Shake it?

HALLELUJAH! The thread that was hanging by a thread is resuscitated--thanks to to the INSTIGATOR's and PATTY's unquenchable need for foreplay. I might be jealous, DEEP, but I have to hand it to you--her rhododendron antennae are back at attention and her posts are getting deliciously creamy. It's a voyeur's dream: S/M with no orgasm in sight. Whatever's currently got you out of your skull, KEEP INGESTING!

IGNORE THAT MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! Well, MASTERHIT's sting has worn off on me (I confess, B-3er, I can't dish it out AND I can't take it.) DEEP's lurking indicates to me that he is recovering also, if somewhat chastened. In my newfound spirit of sympatico I urge him to return to this monstrous thread. Just look at the ripe openings available--eulogies, nostalgia, crocodile tears, etc. Go ahead, wield your cudgel, but keep your rapier handy also. We who are about to barf salute you! Humbled and Awed, THE GROPER

What is this Orwellian bullshit? Since when can't two rational individuals veer a bit into mutual quibbling? DEEP, I feel your pain. Masterhit was unable to totally scramble your penultimate message. Your humanity shines through. I am truly in awe of the Bathos you exhibit. I SHARE THE BURDEN OF MY BROTHER, DEEP'S PERSECUTION-- I'M OUTTA HERE!

Patricia: DEEP is the missing village idiot from Arkansas--Bill Clinton or Wes Clark--makes no difference, one and the same. Your Champion (blush)

BRING IT, CHANCROID! ...BUT DON'T EXPECT A "ROAD MAP TO (A) PIECE" OF ME! PEER deep INTO YOUR CRYSTAL (FRAGILE) BALLS, FOCUS ON YOUR FATE AND FOLLOW THE YELLOWMOTHERFUCKIN BITCH ROAD! I'LL ZORRO YOUR SORRY SGT. GARCIA ASS UNTIL YOUR TOILET SEAT "SLEEPS." SLAP THE CHAINS ON THAT MODEL A CUZ YER GONNA NEED SOME TRACTION IN MY DRIVEWAY! PATTY'S MINE!!!!!!!

Clinthopper: That's "Rabelais(ian)." If you think that's something you ought to see "Balzac." Oh, yes, there's trouble right here in River City. They call it "Malfeasance without a license." '

OK, B-3ER, MOMENT OF TRUTH! THAT HAS-BEEN TUBTHUMPER HAS GOT TO GO--HIM OR ME. HIS CHEESY SCROTUM-SCRAPINGS ARE A PUSTULE ON THE FACE OF HUMANITY! HE CAN'T EVEN SPELL "LEWD," FOR LUCIFER'S SAKE! HE KNOWS I'M ABOUT 11 INCHES AWAY FROM PHONE SEX WITH PATRICIA AND THAT'S DRIVING HIM AROUND THE BEND. HOLD ME BACK! I'LL INJECT HIS SYPHILITIC LIMP DICK INTO HIS ASSHOLE AND BLAST HIS DISEASED BRAIN deep INTO CYBERSPACE! WHAT'S IT GONNA BE, B-3ER--NEW FISH OR UNHOLY MACKEREL?

Conn500: Who sez I bother me? I'm so SHALLOW that there's no room to get DEEPly under my skin.

Drinks on the house? Free CD downloads? I got some serious catching up to do.