Humor: THE COMPLETE BOOK OF JOB(BING)

[SGUD missile]

You may read this in pieces ( or print it out for the john ) and meditate upon the wisdoms herewith included ..phil kelly

THE BOOK OF JOBBING

(translated from some old rocks found in the Desert near Ely, Nevada ..)

And so it came to pass, during one date, that the Sidemen were assailed

by Doubts, and Darkness descended upon the Bandstand.

And the Leader turned to his quaking flock, and saith, "My children, why

do you doubt me? Have I not led you through the Valley of the Loading

Dock to the Great Land of Long Breaks, Hot Meals, and Undertime?

Have I not banished the dreaded Macarena from the Set List, and allowed

thee to Blow on selected numbers? Do we not play the Correct Changes for

the Bridge of Girl From Ipanema, and do we not play Motown selections at

the Proper Tempi?

And do I not pay you all equitably, neither overpaying the Chick Singers

nor underpaying the Horn Players? And are there not Charts for the

Horns, so that thou need not Fake Parts? So why doth thou protest when I

call The Willie Nelson Song, or The Jackson 5 Ballad? Are they not

preferable to Achey Breaky Heart or anything by Celine Dion? Wouldst

thou rather suffer Flung Beverage Containers or Scowls and Hectoring by

the Aunts and Uncles?

And the Sidemen answered him, "But Father, we look out into the Dance

Floor, and we see The Maelstrom;

We fear the Youngsters with Pierced Body Parts, as well as the Ancient

Ones with Canes and Walkers;

Also do we fear the Bridesmaids with the Large Hair, and the Groomsmen

with Cigars and Dishevelled Tuxedos; Also do we fear the Relatives from

the Great Southwest, as well as those from California, and from New

York; Also do we regard with Fear and Loathing the Party Planner, and

the Room Captain;

But mostly do we fear the Bride, and Her Mother, who ruleth the Earth,

yea, even above you, our Leader."

And the Leader looked and saw that this was true. And he took his Book,

and he flung it into the Buffet Heaters; And he took his Bandstand, and

he broke it over his knee; And he took his Red Bow Tie, and he rent it

asunder; And he turned to the Party Planner, and he said,

"Now you have no power over me, Minion of Evil." And he turned to the

Room Captain, and he said, "I will leave by the Lobby Entrance" And he

turned to the Bride, and said, "Take thy Whitney Houston CD and place it

where thy Groom may find it during your Honeymoon;" And he turned to the

Bride's Mother and said, "Thy Daughter is a Spoiled Brat, and I hope

that she soon Divorces her Callow Husband and returneth to live with

thee with her three children for the rest of thy Natural Life"

And he turned to the drummer and said, "The band is yours."

And he went home and slept deeply and soundly, and arose the next day

smiling, and began Making Calls to find work as a Sideman..

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THE BAR MITZVAH

...And so it came to pass that as the 10th hour of the Day after Sabbath

approached, the Leader did look upon his Children and say, "It is time

to rest."

And the Sidemen did rejoice, and repaired to the Room of Hiding.

Then did appear the Party Planner, saying unto them, "I have news both

good and bad."

And the Sidemen did reply, "Tell us first of the Good News."

And she replied, "There are dinners, and they are Chicken."

And the Sidemen did rejoice, and smacked their lips.

But the Bass Player, being of a suspicious nature, did narrow his eyes

and ask, "And what of the Bad News?"

And the Party Planner, looking towards the floor, did say, "But there

are not enough Meals, for you must share them with the Photographers and

the Video Guy. Furthermore, thou must eat your meals in 10 minutes. And

furthermore, there are no Utensils available to those of lowly caste,

and so thou must eat with thy Hands."

Whereupon a great lamentation arose from the Sidemen, reaching unto the

very depths of the Temple. And the Leader heard, and came a-running.

"My Children, why dost thou raise thy voices, so that even above the DJ

you are heard?"

And the Bass Player did drop a dime on the Party Planner, saying "The

Jezebel doth tease and mock us, even as does one to a mule with a carrot!"

And a great Fury rose up in the Leader, as he was, as these things go, a

Righteous Man.

And he turned to the Party Planner and swore great oaths, and saith,

"Thou thinkest to save a nickel here and a dime there, at the risk of

our Relationship? Dost thou have Shit for Brains? Shall I go unto the

Father and tell him that his son David's Mitzvah will be interrupted

while we send for Pizza?"

And the Sidemen did cheer, as did the Photographers and the Video Guy.

And so the Party Planner did stammer and shuffle her feet, and summon

her Flunkies, and many more meals were discovered, as well as Forks and

Knives, and even Napkins. And there was Fish as well as Fowl, and even

Vegetables and Fruits.

And thus was David's Bar Mitzvah saved, and the Leader kept the respect

and love of his Children, for at least another week.

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.And so in the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spoke to him.

"Noah, awake and heed my words!"

And Noah, being sore, afraid and disoriented, did cry out, "Who goeth

there?"

And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying, "It is the Lord of

all things, dummy!"

And Noah did tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?"

And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a Casual Band. "For the earth will

be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows

and forty nights of Awards Banquets."

And Noah did say, "Command me, Lord."

And the Lord did say, "First, thou must find me a Leader."

And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?"

And the Lord did smite him again, saying, "Fool, thou will be my

Contractor. Ask not why!"

And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this

Leader play?"

And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or

whether he be

proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to talk to the Brides

and their

Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off Tempos wrong, and to

inquire as to

whether Overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not

be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another

player of that instrument on the band, just to be safe."

And Noah did say, "And what else shall this Leader do?"

And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and

Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other,

and to delay all payments. "Further shall it be his job, until we can

afford a Soundman, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization

Curves therefore."

And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are

Strange and

mysterious. What more shall I do?"

And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section. First, find me a

Drummer. And ThreeThings above all must this Drummer possess."

And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An

Electronic Kit?Congas?"

And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying "Second-guess me not, my

servant. First, this

Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a

Fill (and he

shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, sometimes

early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. And second, he

must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will

lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth

Jobbing. "And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness,

in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he

argueth always with the Bass Player."

And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?" And the Lord

did say, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player. And he

shall be Bored. That is all."

And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?" "Next shall be the

Piano Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he

shall ply Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name the Chord,

and he will not be helpful. Furthermore, he shall always be late. And he

shall always be trying out New Gear, of which he has no knowledge."

And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!" "Next shall be

the Guitar Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player. And he shall be

Loud, and he shall sing 'Old Time Rock n' Roll'. Also shall he know not

The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been damaged by

exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels. For the Guitarists who Read

shall already be playing Shows, and will be making the Big Shekels. And

his tux shall be the Rattiest."

And Noah did say, "It shall be done."

And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall need Horns. First shall be the

Saxophones. And they shall be Beboppers. And they shall play their Bird

quotes in every song, yea, even the Celine Dion ballad. And they shall

Get High on every break, and make the Long Faces all night long, but

especially when 'In The Mood' is called. Next shall be the Trumpeters.

And they shall every one attempt to take everything Up an Octave, and

fail frequently. And of Changes they shall know nothing. And finally

shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made about him, for

he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he will be the first to

be Cut from the Band."

And Noah, taking many notes, did say, "Mighty is the Lord!" "Next shall

be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach Pickups to their

Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that their

instruments screecheth and causeth great pain. And their job shall be to

dress in Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all Ballads, and to

occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume, and the

Intonation, and to impede the Swing."

And Noah did say, "What else can be left, Lord?"

And the Lord did say, "Finally, find me the Singers. And they shall be

Three, one a Male,

and two Females. And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the

Rock 'N Roll Hair,and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, and also

shall he play The Harmonica. And of the Females, one shall be Black and

one shall be White. And theBlack one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs,

and the Disco. And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads,and

the Country Songs. But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall

sing Backup for the Male, and forget the Words, and be Late, and know

nothing of Keys or Form. And they shall leave every gig immediately,

having never touched a piece of Equipment. And they shall be paid many

more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why." And Noah did say, "As Thou

sayest, my Lord."

And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not

every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have No

Work yet, a Commitment must be secured from All. And while you're at it,

start looking for Subs."

And Noah did say, "Lord, thy will be done."

And it was.

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THE BOOK OF JOBBING PART IV

GOD CREATES SIDEMEN

A newly discovered and translated fragment ©2000 by Steven G. Hashimoto

(During my recent hospital stay a mysterious package was delivered to my

room. While recuperating I had the time to undertake this latest

translation.)

And so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a search for suitable

Sidemen for his orchestra, and he could find none; For in those days

there were not many, and those that he could find were already working;

Some worked the Ark with the House of Noah, and some had the house gig

at The Walls of Jericho.

And many played behind the scat-singing team of Shadrach, Meshach and

Abednago.

So Nebulon did return to the Lord and saith, Lord, there are many

musicians, but no Sidemen!0, and he rent his clothing. And the Lord did

say, Shmuck! Have you looked everywhere? Did you call the Union?0

And Nebulon did say, Lord, I have looked high and low, especially low,

and only one or two could I find. What shall I do?0 And the Lord did

afflict Nebulon with boils, saying Leave me to think on this!0

And just to buy some time he did also visit a plague of locusts on

Egypt. And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent them forth

over the land, commanding them to find him some Sidemen. And the Angels

did go to the four corners of the earth, but the only unemployed Sideman

they could find was one holy man in India who did play the horn with the

slide.

So with great fear the Angels did return to the Lord with the bad news,

and filled with wrath he was.

How can this be? At one time the world did teem with Sidemen, as a dead

oxen does with maggots!0

And the Angels did say, Lord, many left the business, many have become

idiots, and some have even become Leaders, and no Leader will work for

another Leader.0

So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while he thought, and the

answer came to him.

He did recall that there was a factory, part of his Beasts Of The Field,

Inc., division, that was in disuse.

For it had been used to create golems, for which there had been no great

demand, and so He had closed down the operation. And He thought, We can

retool, and start turning out Sidemen. And so it was done, and the

Sidemen started rolling off the assembly line. But somehow a remnant of

the golem program remained, and the Sidemen did come out acting

unpredictably.

Some stammered and stuttered, some talked to themselves under their

breath, and some would not bathe.

Some refused to shave their beards or to have their hair shorn, and some

refused to wear the Jobbing Toga.

And some wore the Toga, but left them crumpled in their chariots in

between Gigs, or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons past, with

ruffles. And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land

aimlessly looking for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of

the hourglass, and arrived at the Gig whenever they chose.

And some loved the wine of dates, and some loved the burning of hemp.

And some were created without ears, and some with knuckles where their

eyebrows should be.

And some did worship the gods Trane, Jaco, Mahavishnu and Ornette, and

mocked their Leaders.

And some did steal food from the buffet line, yea, even before the

Guests had dined.

And some did try to lay with the Chick Singers, and some with the

Guests. And some did not Read, and some could only Read, and not Blow.

And some had no social skills, and some had no musical skills. And many

of them were Dark, not in pigmentation of the skin, but in the Outlook

on Life.

But every once in a while the line did produce a Perfect Sideman; One

who followed orders without question; One who showed up on time;

One who wore the Toga;

One whose chariot always ran;

One who Knew Tunes;

But these Perfect Sidemen were few and far between, and besides their

eyes were glazed, and they were shunned, for they were Boring, and knew

not how to Hang.

And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about, looking for Gigs,

complaining and whining and arguing and occasionally stabbing each other

in the back.

And the Lord looked down upon his work, and said, It will do.

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...And so it was that a decree was issued by The Office of Noah to the

leader Nebulon, and Nebulon gathered his minions together.

"Rejoice!" he said, "for we have a Job!

"And it is during the afternoon of a weekday, and it is the slow season!"

And the men of the House of Nebulon did rejoice. "Is it a wedding?" one

asked.

"Is it a mitzvah?" cried another.

"Is it a war?" tremulously asked another. "No. my children, it is a

Corporate Gig. The client is the Pharaoh Ramesses, and it is the

Dedication of his new Pyramid Complex!"

And the men did dance for joy.

"Gather your finest raiment and marshall the chariots, for we leave

immediately!"cried Nebulon, "for we must cross the desert in order to

make the hit on time!"

And the musicians of Nebulon did scurry to their hovels and gather their

finest clothing, and their instruments, and their water-bags and

cheese-wheels, and all set off across the Great Desert, and their number

was great.

Presently they arrived at The Pyramid Complex, whereupon they were

stopped by a Warrior.

"What business have you here?" he asked, eyeing the horde with

suspicion. "We have no need of more slaves, as the Pyramids are completed."

"We have come to provide music for the Pharaoh," Nebulon told the guard.

"I am the Great Leader Nebulon, of the House of Noah the Contractor."

"Wait here," the guard said, and rode off to get clearance. Two days did

the host of Nebulon wait until the guard returned, saying, "You are to

go to the Pyramid of Cheops for your Security badges."

"Our thanks, esteemed guardian," said Nebulon, and they set off for the

Pyramid of Cheops.

And it was not until the setting of the sun that they arrived at the

Pyramid of Cheops.

"We are of The House of Noah the Contractor, and we have arrived to play

music for the great Pharaoh 5 days hence. We have come for our Security

badges."

"Wait here," the guard said, and rode off for instructions. At dawn he

returned with a scroll of papyrus. "Enter here all of your names, as

well as descriptions of your musical instruments, and the license plates

of your chariots, and the names of your horses."

With much grumbling this was done. And each man was given a medallion of

copper to wear about his neck at all times, upon penalty of death.

"And now thou art to take your chariots to the Pyramid of Khufu, there

to unload your equipment."

"And we are to perform there?" asked Nebulon, with hope in his voice.

"Truly I know not," saith the guard, "but I have heard whispers in the

winds that the pagaent is to be held at the Pyramid of Gizeh."

"Then may we not take our instruments and chariots directly to that

Pyramid?"

"It is not my job to know anything," the guard said, and wandered off to

cook a jackal to break his fast.

And so the men went to the Pyramid of Khufu, and indeed were made to

unload their instruments, the horns of brass and the reeds, and the

drums and cymbalons, and the bells and ouds and zithars and santours and

zarbs, and made to carry them by hand to the Pyramid of Gizeh, a mile away.

And when they had arrived at the Pyramid of Gizeh with their horns of

brass and the reeds, and the drums and cymbalons, and the bells and ouds

and zithars and santours and zarbs, they were met by a Flunky who

inquired of Nebulon, "Art thou the band?"

And this is how Nebulon acquired the name He Who Seeth Not The Forest

For The Trees, for he replied, "Yes, we are."

The Flunky looked them over with dismay, for they were dusty and their

feet bled and were bound by rags. "I think I shall put you in the corner."

So the Men of Nebulon did set up their instruments, their horns of brass

and the reeds, and the drums and cymbalons, and the bells and ouds and

zithars and santours and zarbs, in the corner, and settled in to wait

for the appearance of the Pharaoh.

But presently did appear a stunning young woman who sniffed the air with

suspicion, and asked for Nebulon.

"Who told thou to set up here?" she cried. "This is all wrong!" "But it

was certainly your Flunky who instructed us thus," moaned Nebulon,

prostrating himself at her feet.

"No, no, and no! You will have to move to the other side of the Pyramid!"

"But is that not the side that the sun shines on at noon?" cried a sideman.

"That is no concern of mine," said the Party Planner. "That is where you

will look the best."

"But is that not next to the Plain of Camel-Herders, who curse and beat

their animals all day long?" cried another sideman.

"Then thou will have to play loud, I guess," said the Painted Woman.

"And is not the pagaent to take place here?" asked Nebulon. "Yes, but

thou are hired merely for atmosphere. And by the way, where are your

turbans? Did we not ask for turbans? Get thee hence!" And she left to

consort with a hyena, and the men of Nebulon got hence.

And so for three days the Band of Nebulon did play in the sun for the

Camel-Herders and the occasional lost guest, and for the jackals and

vultures, and during the night they were assailed by the Women Who Sold

Themselves and by Thieves and Cut-throats.

And they ate sand and the occasional sand-rat, and had no wine to drink.

And some of the men did slip away into the night to become Bedouins, and

to raid caravans.

And on the last day of the gig did finally appear the Great Pharaoh

Ramesses, who looked drunkenly upon them, and inquired of no one in

particular, "We had a band?"

And then he staggered back to his guests. And so it was that The House

of Noah the Contractor and The House of Nebulon the Bandleader were able

to say that they had worked for The Great Pharaoh.

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...And so it came to pass that the bandleader Nebulon, He Who Seeeth Not

The Forest For The Trees, did take the Chick Singer Shriekula (she who

had commanded that the Drummer Valentino be flayed alive, boiled in oil,

amd rent asunder by crazed horses for playing the Samba beat during her

rendition of Misty; she who hath a vibrato so wide that one could drive

a legion of chariots through) for his wife, and he began a Dynasty.

And Shriekula did bear him three sons, named Macarena, Rubato, and Sid.

And in time did these sons grow into men, and have families of their own.

And Macarena begat Tarantella, who begat a daughter, Hora, and a son, Zorba.

And Hora begat Havah Nagilah, Tzena Tzena, and Simon Tov. And Zorba

begat a Great House, including Volaré, Rico Suavé, Achy Breaky, Hokey

Pokey, Chim Chim Cheree, Slidus Electricus, Lichtensteiner Polka, Disco,

and the three idiot sons, Jump, Jive, and Wail.

And from this House did also descend Freebird (the drunkard), Danny Boy

(the weeper), Mack (the Knife), LeRoy Brown (he who was Bad Twice), New

York New York, Auld Lang Syne, Ipanema, La Bamba, and others too

numerous to name (including the House of Andrew Lloyd Weber, which ruled

the world during the terrible period known as The Dark Ages).

And the second son Rubato did sire the sons Largo and Lento. And Largo

begat Ritard, who begat Fermata, who begat Arrythmia. And Arrythmia

begat the twin sons, Tempo Erratica and Tempo Nebulous (named after his

Great-Grandfather).

And the twin Tempos did sire many children, including Lachrymosa,

Turgid, Dirge, Somnambula, Quaalude and Sominex.

Lento, the other son of Rubato did begat Rallantando and L'istesso, and

Rallantando begat Poco, and Poco begat Con Brio, and Con Brio begat

Vivacé, and L'istesso begat Allegro, and Allegro begat Presto.

And the third son Sid did not enter the Study of Music, preferring to

work in The Office. And he began his own Dynasty, sending the Bands of

the House of Nebulon to the far reaches of the Earth, to perform at

banquets and weddings and Mitzvahs and wars and natural disasters.

(Translator's note: It is believed that it was the House of Nebulon

which provided bands for the destruction of Pompeii, the burning of

Rome, the assassination of Julius Caesar, the fall of Constantinople,

and the Mongol campaigns of Genghis Khan; a House of Nebulon band may

also have been the house band for the Tower of Babel. Another House of

Nebulon band evidently missed making the cruise of Noah's Ark due to a

chariot jam.)

And Sid begat Morris (known as Mo), who begat Max, who begat Irving, who

begat Mickey, who begat Abraham (known as Abe). And this line did

Prosper, long after the rest of the House of Nebulon had passed into

history. And the House of Sid did take 15% off the top until the end of

time...

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Edited April 6, 2004 by SGUD missile

[Rooster_Ties]

"For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows, and will be making the Big Shekels.  And his tux shall be the Rattiest."

Didn't Joe G mention one time playing in the pit for some wrenched musical based on the tunes of Barry Manilow -- and something like every other tune was in either 5 (or more) sharps, or 5 (or more) flats???

But I'm sure the Shekels were good!!!! How ratty was your tux, Joe??

Thanks for sharing all this stuff, Chuck. I only got through the first three, but I'll be back!!! B)

Edited April 6, 2004 by Rooster_Ties

[jazzypaul]

Wow, these have made their way all the way to the great northwest. Steve Hashimoto (the guy who wrote these...they're on the JIC website and were first in his weekly rants and raves) is a great cat. These are always a great read and good for a chuckle or five.