Practical Jokes

[Dan Gould]

With this bunch, there's gotta be some good practical joke stories to share.

Reagan's funeral led me to think of this topic. Let me explain.

It was September of 1984. I was a student at Florida State sharing a dorm room with a new roommate. I was a committed Reaganite. He was a committed Democrat but could not bring himself to support Walter Mondale. Our disagreements were friendly; and he took no offense to my putting Reagan-Bush bumperstickers on the door (actually, on the upper right corner of the door frame (get it? Far right?). He was free to do the same thing, but since he did not like Mondale, he chose not to.

So, one fine afternoon I came back from class, and what do I find? There is a huge Mondale-Ferraro campaign sign on the door. Written across the sign is "Campus Headquarters" and down below is a smaller sign which says "Democrats for a Nuclear Free America".

I walked in the door and said, "What the hell is this?"

My roommate, Mike, explained that he had stopped at the College Democrats table in the Student Union, and that they had started talking and that he had told them he was a Democrat but didn't support Mondale, and they said something about needing a student to be Campus Coordinator and blah blah blah, and he wrote down his room number, and he came back from class to find they had put this sign up!

Well, you can imagine how pissed off I was-I mean, we had an agreement that we could both put political things up-but he wasn't a Mondale supporter, and how dare they come here and hang this sign?!

Finally, when I was ready to run down to the Union and give them a piece of my mind, he 'fessed up and told me he had got the sign from them and he had hung it up. All I could do was smile and commend him on his practical joke and I had to admit, the "Democrats for a Nuclear Free America" was the perfect kicker.

I also began to plot my revenge.

II

And soon, a plan took shape. My roommate was not on the meal plan, he cooked for himself. He especially liked to make chili dogs with Hormel canned chili. What if I cut off the label of his Hormel chili and put it on a can of dog food? [evil grin]

Now, our Resident Assitant was a great guy, who told us from the very beginning that he loved practical jokes and if we wanted to do something, just make sure it wasn't dangerous or risky. So, I went to Steve to make sure he was OK with my plan. He was not comfortable with it. His fear was that Mike might actually eat the dog food, and what if he had a reaction or got violently ill? So, I promised Steve that I would be there when Mike gets the can of chili/dog food and would stop him if he was actually going to eat it.

So, it took several weeks, but finally, I got my chance. My roommate went home to Miami for the weekend, and I went to work with an exacto knife and some glue. The results were OK-if he had looked carefully, he would have had suspicions, but who suspects that the label on your chili can has been tampered with??

(By the way, I certainly looked odd in the grocery store when I chose the can of dog food-I was standing there with a tape measure, checking the height and circumference of all the dog food cans! Alpo turned out to be the closest match.)

My roommate came back and I waited for him to announce he was going to make some chili dogs. And I waited. Finally two days later, it happened. I almost started laughing right then. But I controlled myself, gave him a couple of minutes head start, and then wandered over towards the kitchen.

He was standing outside the kitchen, holding the can up toward one of our dorm mates, and I heard him say, "I think this is dog food!" I am just about ready to lose it, so I quickly started to get a drink from the fountain. Our dorm mate, bless him, was in on the plan, and so he kept trying to convince Mike that it wasn't dog food, that's the way it looks, just heat and stir, its really good.

Mike was no dummy though, and he was soon walking back toward our room, very pissed off. He went back into his box of groceries, muttering, I wonder what this can will be, when I said to him, "Mike, when you least expect it, expect it!" and I told him what I'd done.

He was gracious as I had been and we had a nice laugh. He also told me that he had noticed that I had bought a can of dog food and he was kind of confused by it, but he figured that since there had been some stray dogs around, maybe I had just bought it to have on hand in case a hungry dog appeared.

You would think that this was the end of the story, but as I began to tell Mike about how I had talked to the R.A. about my plans, and we decided that now it was time to get Steve.

III

We immediately decided on our plan: Steve was not around when Mike opened up the can of "chili" so he had no way of knowing what had happened. We decided that I would tell Steve that I had a late class and that I came back to find Mike chowing down on his "chili" dog, and that now, he was feeling very ill!!

Our timing could not have been better. You see, Mike would occasionally have allergic reactions in which his eyelids would get very puffy and swollen and his eyes would get very red. Had nothing to do with eating dog food, but it gave a very realistic appearance to backup our claim that he was not feeling well.

So, Steve appears in the dorm, and I went into his room. I told him what had happened, and Steve was extremely concerned and very pissed off at me because I had promised him this wouldn't happen. He insisted that I tell Mike the truth about what he had eaten. I refused-I told Steve that if I tell my roommate what I did, he's going to hate me, I'll have to sleep with one eye open all the time, it will be a living hell if he ever finds out.

So, we went back and forth, Steve telling me to tell Mike the truth, me refusing. At one point, Steve went down to our room to check on Mike, and Mike, with the puffy, red eyes, was quite the sight. He kept telling Steve that he didn't know what it was, he had some chili dogs before, they tasted kind of funny, but ...

Steve came back to me and now he was really ticked off. He had a resident who was sickened by the practical joke of his roommate, a practical joke he had signed off on. But I stuck to my guns-if I tell Mike, he'll hate my guts, I'm sure he'll be fine, it just has to work through his system.

Finally, Steve had heard enough. If I wasn't going to come clean, he would. I stayed away while Steve walked back into our room, and told Mike the "truth". And Mike played it beautifully-he refused to believe it. He insisted that Dan was his friend and he would never do such a thing to him. No way. Couldn't have happened.

Finally, he asked to see me, and we decided how we would let Steve off the hook.

First, Mike announced that maybe it would be best if he went to the Emergency Room. Steve had someone go bring a car around, and Mike started playing up that he was feeling weak and pained. We started to help him out of his bed, when he told Steve he had to tell him something.

And he said, "Steve, I feel really, really bad ... but only because, you've been had!" and he jumped out of bed and the room erupted in laughter and the look of total confusion and disbelief on the face of our R.A. was hysterical.

A sidebar to the story:

It wasn't just Reagan's funeral that reminded me of these events. I received an email from Mike this morning which read "On behalf of the Democrats for a Nuclear Free America, I wanted to express my condolences on the passing of our 40th President." You see, 20 years later, that roommate is now my closest and dearest friend.

Maybe we bonded through our practical jokes?

OK, hope you enjoyed my rather lengthy description, but you have to admit, those were some great practical jokes!

I know there are others who'd like to share.

[Peter Johnson]

Very funny! I'll have to think of this...not all are fit for a "family newspaper," if you know what I mean!

[7/4]

why isn't this in the political forum?

[Jazzmoose]

Well...the dog food does remind me of one, but I hesitate to tell it because it paints me as an asshole and...oh hell, why not...

When I was in the Navy and stationed at Great Lakes for Electronics School, the crowd I hung with were, shall we say, well acquainted with recreational drug use (this was back in the days when you could easily get away with this in the military, 1979). Anyway, we all decided to trip one Friday (uh..ingest hallucen..oh, never mind; drop acid if you don't know!) and one guy we all knew who had never tripped before wanted to join us. Well, hell, it just screamed for a quick and dirty head fuck, so one guy picked up a can of beef stew, and once the 'cid had kicked in, began acting sick to his stomach and made a convincing show of puking the can on to a chair. The rest of us dove in and started cramming bits of beef stew into our mouths. The victim? Collapsing giggle fits. What else were we expecting under the circumstances?

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Disclaimer: Kids, don't try this at home. This was long ago and far away, in a world far removed from our own. This substance is dangerous and I am NOT recommending that anyone use it for recreational or other purposes. Please, the abuse of Dinty Moore Beef Stew is a serious thing!

[Christiern]

The dog food also reminds me of one, although not a personal experience.

Richard Lamparski, author of a series of books featuring interviews with has-beens, once did PR for a major film studio.

Richard Roffman was a NYC-based PR man whose clients were notoriously beyond help, and Roffman was perhaps best known for free-loading. He would show up at press parties with an entourage, head straight for the food, and--from the looks of it--eat enough to carry him over to the next press party (I've actually seen this).

One day, Lamparski decided to play a trick on Roffman. He was producing a press party which he knew Roffman would crash, so he had special hors d'oeuvres prepared and placed on trays aimed exclusively at Roffman's group: Milkbone bisquit halves generously adorned with Alpo and Ken-L Ration.

"Hope you enjoyed the dog food," said Richard L to Richard R., as he and his party left.

[Peter Johnson]

That's right, Dan--you meant, "Dog Food" practical jokes!

[andybleaden]

Nasty no 1

A friend , who reads this occcassionally ( so will remain nameless ) told me this of a post office worker who lived with an obsessive cleaner....very obsessive cleaner who clean around him, wiped underneath his still warm coffee cup etc....

One very sad day he had decided that he was to take action and flicked peanut butter ( the crunchy variety) all over the toilet and then proceeded to remonstrate with his parnter about the disugusting state of the toilet, how could sheleave it so etc etc...

Her response was disbelief......I do not know what it is ....only cleaned it earlier this afternoon...um....do't know....

He stroked his finger around the toilet seat and sniffed and then tasted before offering saying...I will tell you what it is.....she had long since screamed and run out of the house....

They do not live together anymore needless to say

Nastly number 2

Naughty man in Bristol who was fed up of is paranoid wife who was ( no real offense here ) big into the god stuff in an aggressive and tortuous manner especially towards him as he most definelty was not. SHe was very concerned about his behaviour and antics

He being away from home for long period had the sign of the devil (666) tatooed on his head at the back not unlike the man in Damien ( that is where the idea came from!) whilst he was away and took her with him when he returned hoem just to have a trim ( in the days when flattops were the thing) His barber only got about half done when off came the hair that covered the offending item and out ran the rathered scared lookig woman who proceeded to scream all the way down the arcade

Mean , yes

Nasty , Yes

Good fun, Yes!

[DTMX]

About 17 years ago I was working for a small company of about 25 people. There was a manager ('Jay') who was constantly complaining about how he didn't get any respect and that the company couldn't get along without him, etc... One day his director came around taking up donations for Jay's birthday gift - a stripper. The money flowed, as did the ideas. What we ended up doing was having the stripper come in as a job applicant for Jay's department. Allegedly, she was being sent down from corporate headquarters for a courtesy interview before being laid off. While Jay was complaining about having to interview someone for a job that didn't exist, we (the engineers) set up the interview environment. First, we halved the size of the conference room by extending one of those flexible floor-to-ceiling screens across the room. On our side of the screen we set up a TV and VCR; on the other side we put a live video camera in a pile of audio/video equipment that was normally in the room. We piled stuff on the conference table so that they would be forced to sit in camera range - we knew Jay would not check out the room before the interview and would just drop his sadsack ass in the first available chair.

When the "applicant" came in we took her boombox (aka tape player) and whisked it to the conference room, setting it under the table near the second available chair. We also gave her a fake resume and letter of recommendation. Then we scattered. Jay was summoned, introductions made, and they went into the conference room, closing the door behind them. The rest of the company (except the receptionist) went to the TV side of the conference room (different door) so we could see and hear Jay doing his interview.

The first thing Jay does is start complaining about how late he worked the night before, how early he comes in, how his director doesn't appreciate him, how the company couldn't survive without him - pure comedy gold. The whole rest of the company was on the other side of the screen stifling our laughter. Jay kept complaining. Then he starts complaining about how his wife and children don't respect him and how he does so much for them and they don't appreciate it, etc...

Then he tells the "applicant" that he's not sure if her qualifications would be suitable for his department. She says something like "maybe this will change your mind". She pulls out the boombox, hits 'play', and starts taking her clothes off. Jay just freezes in his chair - he looked like an agoraphobe on a roller coaster. Eventually she ends up sitting in his lap, singing to him or something, and he was just frozen in pure possum panic - not moving, speaking, or breathing.

We were dying on the other side of the screen - we couldn't laugh or we'd blow our cover so everyone was doubled over and crying. I told Jay's director, "Go around, go around" and he ran out our door, down the hallway, composed himself, and opened the other conference room door.

"Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to - WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!!!".

Jay yelled "I didn't do anything! I swear!". Then we pulled back the curtain and yelled 'SURPRISE!" I thought he was going to have a stroke or something. After a while, we got him calmed down, had some birthday cake, and gave the videotape we'd made to his wife. She loved it.

That was one of the greatest days of my life.

[Dan Gould]

Well, that blows away my practical joke!

Thanks for sharing.

[andybleaden]

Rofl

Loved it , loved it

[DTMX]

One of our engineers was ultra-rightwing conspiracy theorist who had developed a local rep for calling local talk radio shows and venting on-air. He was also very paranoid and was against whales because he felt they were liberal (no, I don't know why, and yes, he really said that). This was in the late 80's, about the time that Yasir Arafat and the PLO declared its intention of forming an Arab state of Palestine - and he had voiced his opposition to this on the radio, the office, and anywhere he could find an audience.

We worked in a lab that had a door that opened to the area behind the building. One day while he was working in the lab I walked in behind him, looked out the door and remarked what beautiful day it was - then slipped an obstruction into the lock to keep the door from automatically locking. I don't even think he knew I was there. So I go to work and after a while the president of the company pulls the outside door open (not enough to reveal himself), yells "ALLAH AKBAR! ALLAH AKBAR!", and rolls a dud grenade into the lab, slamming the door behind him.

Conspiracy Guy slowly looks up, looks around the room, sees the grenade, and bolts for the door and he's gone. He may have kicked over the stool he was sitting on, I don't remember. We have a good chuckle, then we go looking for him. Found him in the smoking area, puffing furiously.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"You ran out of there pretty fast."

"Yeah."

"Didn't you think it was it was pretty implausible that Islamic fundamentalists would be tossing grenades in an officepark in the middle of suburbia?"

"Well - I've got a lot of enemies out there."

That was in 1988/89 - I don't know how that prank would go over today. Probably all the engineers in the room would have been running for the door. He was ahead of his time.

[catesta]

I like to keep it simple. B)

[doubleM]

When I was around 14-15 I'd been dating this girl that was a cheerleader at my school (junior high). Her father was what the Mormon church calls a "Stake President", who sort of presided over all the other "Bishops" in his area. A big-time, important, Mormon fella. A real dick, too. So, the relationship with this girl started to falter, probably due to my non-membership in their religion. One night (in the "September" of our relationship) I was over at my friend's house, in the family room in the basement. This was where we used to plan all of our endeavors (mooning family restaurants, prank phone calls, taking Mom's car out for a test ride, etc.). This room was right next to his sister's bedroom, which always had lingerie lying around on the floor, visible to whoever walked by. So I decided to ask her if she had any expendable pieces of lingerie around that I could use for a prank. Long story short, I gathered up all of the lingerie in a paper bag and took it over to the girl's house. Her dad answered the door, and I handed the closed bag to him, and asked him to give it to his daughter, and to tell her that I was "just r-e-a-l-l-y tired". He cautiously said OK, and I took off. I came home that night and saw his car in my driveway, and while I hid in some neighbors' bushes I watched him talking to my mother. She was very visibly trying not to laugh as he lectured her about my behavior. We still laugh about it.

[SGUD missile]

When I was on the road many years ago, we had several guys on the band who were chronically late to calls to get on the" iron lung "for the next gig ( usualy due to gross overserving of themselves the night before with one or more substances )

The way we eventually cured this was:

When one of the offenders roomates informed us of such a continued stupor thus delaying departure ..we would quietly go upstairs, have the roomie unlock the door,

..and we would sneak in ...

.. while I was removing a trashed out cymbal from my bag ..

..which would get summarily get thrown into either the shower or bath tub ..(once heard, a sound never forgotten )

..an we'd run like hell ( usually with the offender in close pursuit, call us many colorful names ..and usually not fully dressed ..

we then would run onto the bus ...and slam the door on the late sleeper ..

who upon arriving at the bus , discovering he was locked out of the bus ..

..semi naked ..

..and without a key to get back into his crib ...

worked every time!

Edited June 15, 2004 by SGUD missile

[Jazzmoose]

Wha- we're all assholes!

[andybleaden]

I remember similar nasty japes at college

We had a guy who loved to show off his stereo and would always swing his door open in a flamboyant manner.

Even when we put a big plastic bin full of fag ash and water up against it propped just enough that the door stopped it falling over.....unless it was opened in a flambouyant manner!!!!! B)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Swoosh

etc

He deserved it!

I got over the guilt in a ono second ( an 'ono' second is the time period remember that it takes for you to confirm a file deletion and then realise it was not to be deleted!

The second nasty but better was when we filled a condom to capacity ( its gets very big really)

Filled it full of lots of water and rolled it out of a top story block flats stairway window. We yelled about two seconds before it hit the person below who looked up and open mouth and nearly drowned as all the water disapeared .

The victim had been braggin about how he could not get condoms to fit him and so we shown him just how much you could fit in a condom......many gallons!

Less of a water balloon more of a space hopper!

Look ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut! Splish

[Dan Gould]

Up, for anyone who missed it the first time, six years ago, or for any new folks who'd like to add their own favorite practical jokes.