geeky jokes

[7/4]

Three statisticians go bow hunting. Late in the afternoon, they spot a

deer. The first statistician notches his arrow, pulls back, and shoots.

He misses the animal by ten feet to the left. The second statistician lets

loose, and and his arrow misses ten feet to the right. The third

statistician jumps up and yells, "Bullseye!"

[7/4]

A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and plops down on a stool. The bartender

says, "You look pretty upset there buddy, what's up?". The hydrogen atom

frowns, and says, "I've lost one of my electrons." The bartender asks,

"Just calm down now, bud ... you absolutely sure you've lost it?" The

hydrogen atom replies, "Yeah, yeah, I'm positive."

[7/4]

Later, a neutron walks in to the same bar. He sits down and says to the

bartender, "Hey, how much for a beer?" The bar tender looks at him,

smiles, and says, "Just for you, bud ... no charge."

[7/4]

A little bit later, an electron and a proton walk in together, order some drinks, and sit down in a booth.

The electron whines, "The table is sticky."

The proton says, "Well, let's sit over there."

The electron whines, "The music's too loud over there."

The proton says, "Well, let's sit near the door."

The electron whines, "It's too cold over there."

The proton, in exasperation, says, "Arrrghh! Why are you so negative!"

[tonym]

[maren]

[maren]

Molecular Biology Personals:

"There must be a rational way to meet a date! I'm tired of hanging out and just hoping to randomly bump into the right peptide. I want a molecule that will fit into my active site and really turn me on. I'll send you my crystal structure if you send me yours!"

"Mature cell seeks same who still enjoys cycling and won't go apoptotic on me. Let's fight senescence together!"

"I'm a prolific progenitor with great potential for growth and self-renewal. Call me if you're a potent hematopoietic factor who still believes in endless nights of colony stimulation."

"I don't always express myself on the surface, but I'm looking for a signal that you appreciate my complexity. Send me the right message that will penetrate my membranes, turn on my protein expression and release my potential energy."

"Some dates have called me a promotor. Others have referred to me as a real operator. Personally, I think I'm just a cute piece of DNA who is still looking for that special transcription factor to help me unwind."

"I've been single-stranded too long! Lonely ATGCATG would like to pair up with congenial TACGTAC."

"Highly sensitive, orally active small molecule seeks stable well-structured receptor who knows size isn't everything."

"Gene therapy graduate. After years of producing nothing but gibberish, I've shed my exons and am ready to express my introns. All I need is a cute vector to introduce me to the right host."

"My RNA, I'm sorry I misread your UAAUAAUAA and inserted three tyrosines when you repeatedly asked me to stop. Something got lost in the translation. Please forgive me."

"Naked DNA with sticky ends seeks kanamycin-resistant plasmid. EcoR1 sites preferred."

"Uninhibited virus seeks reason to make me shed my coat protein."

"This very selective oligonucleotide has been probing for just the right target for long term hybridization."

"Menage a trois! Ligand seeks two receptors into binding and mutual phosphorylation. Let's get together and transduce some signals."

[7/4]

I knew there had to be more out there!

[Jazzmoose]

Three graduate students are on a trip in (insert your favorite obscure nonsensical primitive locale here) when they are captured an isolated tribe who decide to execute them with a crude guillotine. The first, a divinity major, shouts out "May your god spare my life and prevent this device from killing me!". Much to the tribes amazement, the blade fails to drop, and the divinity major is spared. Next, the English major is brought up, and of course, simply repeats what he heard the divinity major say. Again, the blade fails to fall, and he is spared. Finally, the third student, an engineering major is brought before the guillotine. As he raises his eyes to the heavens and starts to repeat the life saving mantra, he stops and announces..."well, there's your problem right there! If you tie the knot on the other side of the blade, it should work perfectly!"

Okay, not as geeky as the others here, but someone has to tell the worst joke on a thread...

[maren]

Three graduate students are on a trip in (insert your favorite obscure nonsensical primitive locale here) when they are captured an isolated tribe who decide to execute them with a crude guillotine. The first, a divinity major, shouts out "May your god spare my life and prevent this device from killing me!". Much to the tribes amazement, the blade fails to drop, and the divinity major is spared. Next, the English major is brought up, and of course, simply repeats what he heard the divinity major say. Again, the blade fails to fall, and he is spared. Finally, the third student, an engineering major is brought before the guillotine. As he raises his eyes to the heavens and starts to repeat the life saving mantra, he stops and announces..."well, there's your problem right there! If you tie the knot on the other side of the blade, it should work perfectly!"

Okay, not as geeky as the others here, but someone has to tell the worst joke on a thread...

No, that's a good one, Moose! Those engineers just can't help it! When my brother got his engineering degree, I made him a card illustrating another "engineer" classic:

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

Resurrecting old thread, which seems the right place for this stuff.

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us, who fly routinely in our jobs, sounds familiar!

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a "P") and the solutions recorded (marked with an "S") by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.(I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Joe G]

~

I miss Maren!

[Rooster_Ties]

That airline maintenance post had me ROTFLMAO!!!

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

A friend just sent me this one.

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls...

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling the Dixon of Dock Green theme. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a fuckin' rabbit!"

MG

[Jazzmoose]

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

Here are a few wacko cartoons/jokes a friend just sent

I quite like these

MG

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

Don't know if this will work. Sue obviously isn't doing any in the office today

Conversation Stopper

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you

endlessly, quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person

next to you can see it), and hit this link .

http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

(yes it does)

MG

[tonym]

Here are a few wacko cartoons/jokes a friend just sent

I quite like these

MG

saw that on a van (obviously!) in Tyneside last week. Someone had replied on the other door: "She is...."

Edited February 27, 2007 by tonym

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

Here are a few wacko cartoons/jokes a friend just sent

I quite like these

MG

saw that on a van (obviously!) in Tyneside last week. Someone had replied on the other door: "She is...."

Perfect!

MG

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

A friend sent me these bits from the UK Child Support Agency files recently:

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following are all replies that women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details. Or putting it another way . Who's your Daddy!

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out Number 11, it takes the top prize, and Number 3 is the runner up.

____________________________________________________________________________

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by thecountry. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World, maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

MG