slide_advantage_redoux Posted January 20, 2005 Report Share Posted January 20, 2005 This comes from Dallas bassist, Dan Bradford: TALKING WITH THE BAND The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same time [such as a multi harmony part]. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, take this very personally. Singers have the ability to sprout a second mouth to talk with you and sing at the same time; if the singer doesn't, it's because they are purposely ignoring you; if this happens, immediately cop an attitude, we love this. When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head and yell directly into their ear, holding their head so they cannot pull away from you, this is an invitation to a friendly game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Disregard any respect for the musician's hearing. REQUESTS Musicians are expert mind readers. Only refer to your requests with the phrase "play my song"! We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into the bar, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, it's an intentional ploy to offend you. Remember, entertainers live to be offensive; we stay up all night thinking up ways to do this; we also never get enough abuse so any abuse that you add will keep us in line. If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are lying to you. Try singing a few words for the band; if one member halfway knows part of a chorus, the rest of the band will instantly learn the entire song by osmosis. Knowing this, if the band still claims to not know your song just keep requesting the same song ad nauseum. Never try to request another tune the band actually knows. Scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, AW COME ON! and, YOU SUCK! Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of Personal Friend Of The Band. If your choice of music is a complete departure from what the crowd loves (and cannot get enough of), i. e. if they play original Blues, ignore this. Simply put a lot of money into the tip jar to bolster your argument; this will circumvent any lack of knowledge they have about your requested tune. The more money with which you tip the band, the more power you have to dictate what happens on stage. Feel free to use your money to bully the band. Entertainers are notorious fakers and never prepare for shows, they simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook. The band and club's income does not depend upon numbers of people patronizing the bar; screw them. Your request is all that matters. If a metal band had played at the club for the last few weeks, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell AC DC or SLAYER!! to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band. HELPING THE BAND If you inform the band that you are a musician in a garage band or singer in a Karaoke bar, be sure to let them know that you can run rings around them and they need you in their band. In fact the sole reason the band has not exploded onto the charts is because they do not have you as their big break. And besides, that black guy singing the blues is just copying the Downchild, and Clapton, in spite of the fact that he's 63 years old. Tell the musicians unequivocally that your mere presence as a member of their band will save them from the depths of mediocrity and assure them of success beyond their wildest dreams. This works every time. If the band continues to refuse your repeated demands to perform with them, stand on the dance floor and perform with every tune they do. If they won't let you perform with them, be disruptive. Do everything you can to be louder than the band. Nothing asserts your superiority like an out of tune harmonica, vocalist or a tambourine played out of tempo. For extra credit, use these instruments in tunes that do not have them in the original recording; musicians love to play cover tunes with instruments that do not belong there; they will overlook how badly you play and will wonder how they have gotten along all these years without you. BONUS TIP: As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments; even if you are ejected from the club, you have made your point. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Alfredson Posted January 21, 2005 Report Share Posted January 21, 2005 It's funny because it's true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Stream Posted January 21, 2005 Report Share Posted January 21, 2005 Sounds like someone had a rough gig recently. Oh, and don't forget the bic pen scibble on a wet bar napkin. That's always a great way to make requests. B-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexander Hawkins Posted January 21, 2005 Report Share Posted January 21, 2005 Those two avatars one beneath the other are brilliant! A B-3 summit meeting if ever there was one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herb Posted January 21, 2005 Report Share Posted January 21, 2005 "Only requests written on the back of $100 bills will be accepted and considered......" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted January 22, 2005 Report Share Posted January 22, 2005 An old standby, inevitable screamed by some slobberhead at the end of a 4-hour party gig, the first 3 of which were spent with all the guests not yet being drunk enough to have start dancing: "I'll give y'all 50 bucks of my own money to play another hour!" Hey fuckhead - I'll give you 50 bucks of MY own money for you to get the hell outta my face. $75 if you promise not to start driving until I get home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Alfredson Posted January 22, 2005 Report Share Posted January 22, 2005 $50 and it's an 8 piece, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted January 22, 2005 Report Share Posted January 22, 2005 At least... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randissimo Posted January 23, 2005 Report Share Posted January 23, 2005 At least... Ya gotta love those shitfaced loudmouths who are obnoxious and pushy enough when they're sober and bullying co-workers or employees! They like to come up to the bandstand about 10 minutes into the pack up and offer stupid money for the band to set back up and play another set and almost always with an abrasive and insultive demeanor.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slide_advantage_redoux Posted January 24, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 (edited) We all have experiences such as mine, but I will share anyway. Years ago I did a private party for an association of dental professionals at which many of the clients were soon well oiled. A couple of them tottered over to the bandstand and asked if they could sit in, using our instruments! Needless to say, this request was rebuffed (politely). The guitar player pointed out that his Gibson was valued at over $3K. The dentist blurted out "Its okay; if I break it, I'll buy you another one" Yeah, that inspires tons of confidence! To no surprise to many here, no one wanted to sit in on trombone , so I didn't have to say no. Edited January 24, 2005 by slide_advantage_redoux Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Alfredson Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 Yeah, I love it when people you don't know want to sit in. They usually try and convince you by saying, "I'm really good! No, really!" Then why are you asking to sit in? Usually the ones that ask are the ones that suck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Free For All Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 To no surprise to many here, no one wanted to sit in on trombone  , so I didn't have to say no. See? Sometimes it's a good thing to be a dinosaur rider! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Stream Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 Like Lou Donaldson ALWAYS says in his shows... "We've had some requests. But we're going to keep playing anyway." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe G Posted January 29, 2005 Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 Okay, so if *this* don't beat all... Last Tuesday we were at Founder's, our usual haunt, with a decent crowd on hand. On the way in, I took note of the full moon, which as it turned out, was in full effect. We're in the middle of the third song of the first set, when a woman, probably mid-to-late 20's, approaches the band stand, obviously wanting to say something. Randy and I put up the invisible barrier by avoiding eye contact and turning a shoulder in her direction. But it soon becomes clear that she's not one to be easily dissuaded. The quickest way out seems to be through, so I give her the "yes, can I help you?" look, while trying in vain to maintain my rhythm playing. She smiles, steps in close, and says, "I play cello!" So finally I say, "Yeah?", thinking, "She can't be seriously expecting me to invite her to sit in - can she???" She just says, "Yep!" in response, to which I say, "Let's talk about this on our break." "Okay - come look for me; I'm at that table over there!" Immediately after the song was finished, one of the staff came up and asked if she was going to be a problem, and telling me that "she's a craaaazy lady!" Apparently they'd seen her there before, and they had had a hard time communicating with her then. She actually came up once more that set, and ended up between Randy and me, but a waitress quickly escorted her back to her table. I felt kinda bad for her after finding out that she has some sort of mental problem. But Jesus - that question followed by her expectant look just had me flabbergasted! Later on, in the second set, we started playing Fool For You, a slow, bluesy tune that Jim sings the hell out of. Right from the get-go, this guy (a regular at our Founders shows), who had been drinking quite a bit more than was good for him, went absolutely APESHIT! He just started *screaming* at the top of his lungs, carrying on for a good 2 or 3 minutes. It was total insanity, like Beavis on a suger high. CALM DOWN, BEAVIS!!! Finally, I was able to make eye contact with him, and I put my finger up to my lips in the universal "shush" sign, and that seemed to calm him down. Either that, or he was finally spent. We had a great time playing, but that was one wild night! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Alfredson Posted January 29, 2005 Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 Joe, what about the dude during the last set that started setting up his laptop and all this equipment on the right side of my Hammond organ. He's plugging all this shit in, fiddling with this and that, and right in the middle of a tune stares at me expectedly. I avoid eye contact until the end of the tune and then politely say, "Can I help you?" "Hey man, can I take a board feed and record you guys into my laptop?" "Um... what for?" "Well, I master it and then burn CDs to hand out to kids in Kalamazoo." "Uh... yeah. I'd rather you didn't." WTF?! Yeah, just record our music (we play a lot of originals) and give the shit out to whoever. Wacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Stream Posted January 29, 2005 Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 Hey, you guys can't beat my crowd-winner last night. Finish a song, and a guy walks in front of the stage and screams "THIS IS TERRIBLE!!!!!" And fast walks out the back door! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe G Posted January 29, 2005 Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 Maybe he had just gotten some bad news via cellphone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Stream Posted January 29, 2005 Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 Maybe he had just gotten some bad news via cellphone. I don't think this guy even had a phone at his house! Kind of country bumpkin lookin' cat. I think the funk made him doubt his tight-wrangler masculinity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe G Posted January 29, 2005 Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 That would be terrible! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Alfredson Posted January 29, 2005 Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 Is that KINNY CHESNIY? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Stream Posted January 29, 2005 Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 That would be terrible! THAT'S THE GUY!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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