Rooster_Ties Posted March 14, 2003 Report Share Posted March 14, 2003 (edited) Source GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He/She/It asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about God? ____ Newspaper ____ Bible ____ Torah ____ Book of Mormon ____ Other Book ____ Television ____ Divine inspiration ____ Word of mouth ____ Dead Sea Scrolls ____ Near Death Experience ____ Near Life Experience ____ National Public Radio ____ Tabloid ____ Burning Shrubbery ____ Who? ____ Other (specify): __________________ 2. Which model God did you acquire? ____ Y**w*h ____ Jehovah ____ Allah ____ Just plain God ____ Krishna ____ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak) ____ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak) ____ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak) ____ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature ____ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working Order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? ____ Yes ____ No If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: ____ Not eternal ____ Not omniscient ____ Not omnipotent ____ Finite in space/does not appear to occupy or inhabit the entire universe ____ Permits sex outside of marriage ____ Prohibits sex outside of marriage ____ Makes mistakes (see Ronald Reagan, George Bush) ____ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched ____ Requires burnt offerings ____ Requires virgin sacrifices ____ Plays dice with the universe 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply: ____ Indoctrinated by parents ____ Needed a reason to live ____ Indoctrinated by society ____ Indoctrinated by a cult ____ Needed target for rage ____ Imaginary friend grew up ____ Hate to think for self ____ Wanted to meet girls/boys ____ Fear of death ____ To piss off parents ____ Needed a day away from work ____ Enjoy organ music ____ Needed to focus on whom to despise ____ Needed to feel morally superior ____ Graduated from the Tooth Fairy ____ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. ____ Self-help books ____ Tarot, Astrology ____ Star Trek re-runs ____ Fortune cookies ____ Ann Landers ____ Psychic Friends Network ____ Dianetics ____ Playboy and/or Playgirl ____ Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll ____ Biorhythms ____ EST/Landmark ____ The Plan ____ Television ____ Mantras ____ Jimmy Swaggart ____ Crystals ____ Wandering around in desert ____ Burning shrubbery ____ Other: ____________________ 6. Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. ____ Odin ____ Cthulhu ____ Lottery ____ Baal ____ Beelzebub ____ The Almighty Dollar ____ The Liberal Left ____ The Conservative Right ____ Mick Jagger ____ Bill Gates ____ The Great Pumpkin ____ Ronald Reagan ____ Mushrooms ____ Other: _____________________ 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (circle one.) a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. What's Divine Intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate, on a scale of 1 (unsatisfactory) to 5 (excellent), God's handling of the following: Disasters 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 Liberal Congress 1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis 1 2 3 4 5 Dubya 1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President 1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship 9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 (unsatisfactory) to 5 (excellent): 1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy 1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers 1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met? 1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing? 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? Thank you! Your opinion counts. Edited March 14, 2003 by Rooster_Ties Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexander Posted March 14, 2003 Report Share Posted March 14, 2003 I want to return the God I bought. I'm an atheist, and He keeps disappearing every time I don't believe in Him! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted March 14, 2003 Report Share Posted March 14, 2003 Did you read the instructions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazzmoose Posted March 14, 2003 Report Share Posted March 14, 2003 Yeah, Alexander; not believing voids the warrantee! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
P.D. Posted March 15, 2003 Report Share Posted March 15, 2003 BUD LIGHT ( it'll become apparent I hope) there were only 10 commandments Why so many questions?????? Feeling insecure Big G I would too if I were You.. gotta get this ole world on an even Keel DAMN THE BUSHES IN MY YARD ARE BURNING........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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