Favorite comedic monologue?

[jazzbo]

WOODY ALLEN:

These... I should just add, parenthetically, these stories are true. These things actually happened to me. I don't make them up. My life is a series of...of...eh...these crises that...that eh... I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom, and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know. It was a yellow and green striped jacket, y'know. The little fat moth laying there, groaning, y'know, part of a sleeve hanging out of his mouth. I gave him two plain brown socks. I said "Eat one now and eat one in a half hour."

Someone asked me if I would tell this...story. A long time ago... It's a wierd story. 'Twas out in Los Angeles and I was at a party with a very big Hollywood producer, and at that time he wanted to make an elaborate cinemascope musical comedy out of the Dewey Decimal System. And they wanted me to work on it, and I go out to the producers building in downtown Los Angeles,and I walk into his elevator, and there are no people in the elevator, no buttons on the wall or anything. And I hear a voice say "Kindly call out your floors, please." And I look around, and I'm alone. And I panic, and I read on the wall, that is a new elevator and it works on a sonic principle and it all sound. All I have to do is say what floor I wanna got to, and it takes me there. So I say "Three, please", and the doors close and the elevator starts going up to three. And on the way up I began to feel very selfconscious, 'cause I talk, I think, with a slight New York accent, and the elevator spoke quite well. I get out of it, and I'm walking down the hall, and I look back, and I thought I heard the elevator make a remark. I turned quickly and the doors closed and the elevator goes down, y'know, and I...didn't wanna get involved at the time with an...elevator in Hollywood, but - this is the strange part of the story, the other was the normal part - I have never in my life had good relationships with mechanical objects of any sort. Anything that I can't reason with or kiss or fondle, I get into trouble with. I have a clock that runs counter-clockwise for some reason. My toaster pops up my toast and shakes it, burns it. I hate my shower. I'm taking a shower, and somebody in America uses his water. That's it for me, y'know, I leap from the tub scolded. I have a tape recorder, I payed a hundred and fifty dollars for, and as I talk into it, it goes "I know, I know."

About three years ago I couldn't stand it anymore. I was home one night. I called a meeting with my posessions. I got everything I owned into the living room. My toaster, my clock, my blender. They never been in the living room before. And I spoke to them. I opened with a joke. And then I said "I know what's going on, and cut it out!" I have a sun lamp, but as I sit under it, it rains on me. And I spoke to each appliance, I was really articulate. Then I put them back, and I felt good. Two nights later I'm watching my portable television set, and the set begins to jump up and down, and I go up to it. And I always talk before I hit, and I said "I thought we had discussed this, what's the problem?" And the set kept going up and down, so I hit it, and it felt good hitting it, and I beat the hell out of it. I was really great, I tore off the antenna, and I felt very virile. And two days later I go to my dentist in New York. I had gone to my dentist, but I had a deep cavity, and he'd sent me to a chiropodist. I'm going into a building in mid-town New York, and they have those elevators, and I hear a voice say "Kindly call out your floors, please", and I say "sixteen" and the doors close and the elevator starts going up to sixteen. And on the way up the ellevator says to me "Are you the guy that hit the televison set?" I felt like an ass, y'know, and it took me up and down fast between floors, and it threw me off in the basement. It yelled out something that was anti-semetic.

The upshot of the story is, that day I called my parents, my father was fired. He was technologically unemployed. My father had worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget, this big, that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressiong thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.

[slsmcgrew]

Give me George Carlin any day. Couldn't even begin to tell you which is my favorite but he does have a good monologue where he starts with cats and ends with dogs.

[connoisseur series500]

I love Woody Allen's monologues. I don't have any of them in print or anything, but I enjoyed Lon's.

Can anyone quote Monte Python or Inspector Closeau.

I actually like the comedy of P.G. Wodehouse. I'll have to see if I can find a funny monologue.

[Christiern]

Woody Allen was a great stand-up comic.

My favorite monologues are Ruth Draper's--most of them are available on a double CD, and I highly recommend this set. Anyone here ever heard of Draper?

I also like Anna Russell, Mort Sahl and Lenny Bruce a lot.

[connoisseur series500]

Here are a few funny lines from "The Inimitable Jeeves."

"I looked up, and found that his attention was elsewhere. He was gazing at the waitress with the look fo a dog that's just remembered where its bone was buried."

"The motto of the Little family was evidently 'variety.' Young Bingo is long and thin and hasn't had a superfluous ounce on him since we first met; but the uncle restored the average and a bit over. The hand which grasped mine wrapped it round and enfolded it till I began to wonder if I'd ever get it out without excavating machinery."

"The thing's too recent. The anguish hasn't had time to pass. You see, what happened was that Ocean Breeze (curse him!) finished absolutely nowhere for the Cup. Believe me, nowhere.

These are the times that try men's souls. It's never pleasant to be caught in the machinery when a favourite comes unstitched, and in the case of this particular dashed animal, one had come to look on the running of the race as a pure formality, a sort of quaint, old-world ceremony to be gone through before one sauntered up to the bookie and collected. I had wandered out of the paddock to try and forget, when I bumped into old Bittlesham: and he looked so rattled and purple...

'Me, too," I said. 'Me, too. How much did you drop?'

'Drop?'

'On Ocean Breeze.'

'I did not bet on Ocean Breeze.'

'What! You owned the favourite for the Cup, and didn't back it!'

'I never bet on horse-racing. It is against my principles. I am told that the animal failed to win the contest.'

'Failed to win! Why, he was so far behind that he nearly came in first in the next race.'

[BruceH]

Nobody beats Wodehouse on the printed page, that's for sure.

Jazzbo, I have that Allen monologue on a record. Haven't played it years. Thanks.

[Big Al]

Can anyone recommend a good starting point for Wodehouse?

Me, I'll take any of Bob Newhart's monologues, especially "Introducing Tobacco!" "Thank for the turkey, Walt. Yeah. You realize that's an American holiday, right?"

[Guest Mnytime]

George Carlin's Filthy Words:

This a verbatim transcript of the performance that led to the Supreme Court case of FCC v. Pacifica Foundation.

Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the words that you can't say, that you're not supposed to say all the time, ['cause] words or people into words want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if they can, (laughter) listen in on the telephone, write down what words you say. A guy who used to be in Washington knew that his phone was tapped, used to answer, Fuck Hoover, yes, go ahead. (laughter) Okay, I was thinking one night about the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones you definitely wouldn't say, ever, [']cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on television, and it was cool like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to notice that in the litter Johnie right (murmur) Right. And, uh, bastard you can say, and hell and damn so I have to figure out which ones you couldn't and ever and it came down to seven but the list is open to amendment, and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now, ha, a lot of people pointed things out to me, and I noticed some myself. The original seven words were, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Those are the ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter) um, and a bourbon. (laughter) And now the first thing that we noticed was that word fuck was really repeated in there because the word motherfucker is a compound word and it's another form of the word fuck. (laughter) You want to be a purist it doesn't really -- it can't be on the list of basic words. Also, cocksucker is a compound word and neither half of that is really dirty. The word -- the half sucker that's merely suggestive (laughter) and the word cock is a half-way dirty word, 50% dirty -- dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it. (laughter) Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. And the cock crowed three times, heh (laughter) the cock -- three times. It's in the Bible, cock in the Bible. (laughter) And the first time you heard about a cock-fight, remember -- What? Huh? naw. It ain't that, are you stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's chickens, you know, (laughter) Then you have the four letter words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck. The word shit, uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's not really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. (laughter) They don't like that, but they say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a middle-class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She says, Oh shit oh shit, (laughter) oh shit. If she drops something, Oh, the shit hurt the broccoli. Shit. Thank you. (footsteps fading away) (papers ruffling)

Read it! (from audience)

Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn't that groovy? (clapping, whistling) (murmur) That's true. Thank you. Thank you man. Yeah. (murmur) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of continuous clapping) for that and for the Grammy, man, [']cause (laughter) that's based on people liking it man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay man. (laughter) Let's let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair hang down now, shit. (laughter) Ha! So! Now the word shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get that shit out of here, will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't cut that shit, buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I think you're full of shit myself. (laughter) He don't know shit from Shinola. (laughter) you know that? (laughter) Always wondered how the Shinola people feel about that (laughter) Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola. (laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter) How are ya? (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch. (laughter) Guess, I'll shit on my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is going to hit de fan. (laughter) Built like a brick shit-house. (laughter) Up, he's up shit's creek. (laughter) He's had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry. (laughter) Hot shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit, (laughter) shit-eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill. (murmur laughter) He had a shit-eating grin! He had a what? (laughter) Shit on a stick. (laughter) Shit in a handbag. I always like that. He ain't worth shit in a handbag. (laughter) Shitty. He acted real shitty. (laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got the money back, but a real shitty attitude. Heh, he had a shit-fit. (laughter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there. (murmur, laughter) All the animals -- Bull shit, horse shit, cow shit, rat shit, bat shit. (laughter) First time I heard bat shit, I really came apart. A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat shit. (laughter) Vera reminded me of that last night, ah (murmur). Snake shit, slicker than owl shit. (laughter) Get your shit together. Shit or get off the pot. (laughter) I got a shit-load full of them. (laughter) I got a shit-pot full, all right. Shit-head, shit-heel, shit in your heart, shit for brains, (laughter) shit-face, heh (laughter) I always try to think how that could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and fell in some shit, you know. (laughter) Hey, I'm shit-face. (laughter) Shitface, today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that shit. (laughter) The big one, the word fuck that's the one that hangs them up the most. [']Cause in a lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great word, fuck, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You know, it's easy. Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with a kuh. Right? (laughter) A little something for everyone. Fuck (laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am FUCK. (laughter) FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it's got a double kind of a life -- personality -- dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time, fuck. What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. (laughter) we're really going to fuck, yeah, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so there's the word hanging around with words like love, and life, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's one that you have toward the end of the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally can't make out. Oh, fuck you man. I said, fuck you. (laughter, murmur) Stupid fuck. (laughter) Fuck you and everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. Madfuckers still on the loose. Stop me before I fuck again. Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy on the clutch Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter) The other shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's worth something, you know? (laughter) I don't give a shit. Hey, well, I don't take no shit, (laughter) you know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit? (laughter) [']Cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) If I give a shit, I would have to pack shit. (laughter) But I don't pack no shit cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out the bird's ass. You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one. (laughter) The additions to the list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words you could never say on television, and they were fart, turd and twat, those three. (laughter) Fart, we talked about, it's harmless It's like tits, it's a cutie word, no problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, you know? (laughter) The subject never comes up on the panel so I'm not worried about that one. Now the word twat is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the twat. (laughter) Twat is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to snatch that pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane. (murmur, laughter) Everybody loves it. The twat stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding into town on a religious feast day. (laughter) You can't say, up your ass. (laughter) You can say, stuff it! (murmur) There are certain things you can say its weird but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you also. (clapping whistling)

[jazzbo]

I certainly enjoy Carlin, but don't have much experience listening or reading him.

I'm a huge fan of Jonathon Winters though. For example, I totally love a phrase I saw him say by pure chance flipping a channel one night, "Remember: only the mediocre are always at their best." My wife and I were going through the hardest times we ever have due to an illness, and that really hit home, and lifted me up. It's a funny play on word meaning and also quite a strong statement!

[jlhoots]

I've always liked Bill Cosby's monologues about his kids & wife - especially the ones from 20 or so years ago.

[jazzbo]

Man, Cosby's albums from thirty some years ago are hilarious! Thanks for reminding me of them Larry.

[Dan Gould]

Yes! And I have seen reissues of Cos' best LPs at some used CD stores, $8 doesn't often bring that much laughter!

I'd have to transcribe it but anyone who has Robin Williams two-disc set from last year heard a flat out hysterical description of how a drunken Scottsman invented golf.

[jlhoots]

There's a long Cosby monologue from that era (Lon, I guess it IS more like 30 years ago than 20) that shows up on cable or dish from time to time.

Fun to watch.

[BruceH]

Can anyone recommend a good starting point for Wodehouse?

Yes: "Code of the Woosters" is an excellent starting point, then "Jeeves In the Morning." Then you'll be on your way. For short stories, try the collection "Heart of A Goof" or "The Golf Omnibus."

[connoisseur series500]

Can anyone recommend a good starting point for Wodehouse?

Yes: "Code of the Woosters" is an excellent starting point, then "Jeeves In the Morning." Then you'll be on your way. For short stories, try the collection "Heart of A Goof" or "The Golf Omnibus."

Bruce's recommendations are fine. The thing to be aware of is that Wodehouse is remarkably consistent and all his stuff is consistently good.

His novels and stories are based on several different sets of characters. There are a few novels which deal with Psmith. The fellow who says,

"The 'p', I should add for your guidance, is silent, as in psthisis, psychic, and ptarmigan."

Another set of characters is the group who congregate around Blandings Castle, led by Lord Elmsworth, and his sister, Constance. I find this group to be extremely hilarious and my personal favorite setting for his stories.

The most well known and popular set of characters would be Bertie Wooster and his butler Jeeves.

There are some other lesser-known sets of characters which I have forgotten the names, but Ukridge and his gang are funny. He's always short of money and concocts schemes to get some.

Uncle Fred's books are great. One classic: "Uncle Fred in the Springtime."

They're all good. The suggestion would be to go to a used paperback shop and buy whatever is cheapest or whatever happens to be available there. You can't go wrong.

The downside is that if you read too many of the books consecutively, you discover that they seem to be alike and you get a bit tired of them. He wrote about 100 books and they all follow his unique formula. I'll read a couple then read other things, then go back to him if I need a laugh.

Good luck!

Edited June 5, 2003 by connoisseur series500

[Guest Mnytime]

There's a long Cosby monologue from that era (Lon, I guess it IS more like 30 years ago than 20) that shows up on cable or dish from time to time.

Fun to watch.

Are you talking about Bill Cosby Himself, I believe it is called?

Now my favorite would be Richard Pryor. There was no one like Pryor when he was on, which was the majority of the time. Until all the free basing got to him.

I haven't been able to find any of his bits online.

[patricia]

Love Shelley Berman. [the "convention" bit is a favourite]

George Carlin is hilarious and very insightful. [love his bit on "stuff"]

My current favourite is David Sedaris. "Naked", "Holiday On Ice", "Me Talk Pretty One Day", "Barrel Fever".

All of his books are also available as books on tape, on which he reads his own material. Nobody else could do the narrative as well as he does it.

My favourite Sedaris bits:

Santaland Diaries

Dinah the Christmas Whore

True Detective

The City of Light In The Dark

Me Talk Pretty One Day [sedaris learning how to speak French, while living in Paris] Brutal.

[Joe G]

Eddie Izzard's a stitch, but then I've only seen one HBO special of his bit.

[patricia]

Eddie Izzard's a stitch, but then I've only seen one HBO special of his bit.

There are two available. "Fabulous" and "Dressed To Kill"

Izzard is one of the funniest stand-ups I've ever seen. His humour is quite often based on fact, particularly British History, unvarnished, and skewed a little. Brilliant!!