Your horoscope

[ghost of miles]

I'll be watching out for the alphabet soup...

Your Horoscope

November 16, 2005 | Issue 41 <http://www.theonion.com/content/index/4146>

.46

Aries March 21 - April 19

People think you're delusional when you say you're in love with a girl on a

billboard next to Highway 41, until they realize you fastened a nursing

student up there with carriage bolts.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Your long-held belief that the pen is mightier than the sword will be put to

the test this week when you sign up for a combination fencing/calligraphy

class co-taught by an angry Spaniard and a weary sensei.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

This is the nesting season of the Turner's Dauber, a nine-inch-long species

of parasitic wasp that injects its starving, carnivorous larvae deep into a

species of wren that looks just like your new hairstyle.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're

garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.

Leo July 23 - August 22

There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the

crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated

Christians.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Some say that your shortsightedness will be the death of you, but it's your

glaucoma that leads you to drive up an off-ramp and into a gasoline truck.

Libra September 23 - October 23

You're no music expert, but the shadow growing in size around your feet

looks like that of a concert grand piano.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let

your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You'll finally put an end to your illiteracy this week when what you believe

to be a bowl of alphabet soup turns out to be a can of minestrone with a

POISON label on it.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Once again, a poorly timed wisecrack at the office will lead to you lying

prone in a ditch with ice water up to your chin and your hands going numb on

the grip of the .45.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

It'll finally hit you this week that the Gerber baby is most likely dead by

now, a realization brought on not so much by the photo on the front of the

jar but the mush inside.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

The good people over at Fisher-Price say it's impossible to be dismembered

by one of their toys, but you'll soon show those smug bastards what's what.

[kh1958]

This psychic sounds rather evil.

Also, alarming (for a Virgo) since I am very nearsighted.

The Onion is the funniest publication there is.

Edited November 23, 2005 by kh1958

[catesta]

Good stuff.

[bertrand]

Some guy actually was sodomized to death by a horse recently.

Of course, he wanted the horse to sodomize him, so I guess you can't really call it an accident.

Bertrand.

[md655321]

Some guy actually was sodomized to death by a horse recently.

Of course, he wanted the horse to sodomize him, so I guess you can't really call it an accident.

Bertrand.

Happens to the best of us...

[Jazzmoose]