Worst joke ever

[JSngry]

"Hey Bubba, Reebok!"

- - Tag line for a commercial trying to sell athletic shoes to redneck Lionel Hampton fans

[Stereojack]

An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice: one was a doctor, one a priest, and one an attorney.

"I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world." The three agreed.

A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket. Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scan machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it."

As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too. The poor have been especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them."

The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?"

The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?"

"I would never!" replied the attorney. "In that envelope was a personal check for the FULL amount!"

[Brownian Motion]

These showed up in my email this morning.

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

======================================

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

========================================

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'"

===========================================

AND THE BEST FOR LAST:

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

[rachel]

Question: "What are you giving up for Lent?"

Answer: "My New Year's Resolutions.."

[porkerdavis]

I could never be a pacifist. why you ask?

cause...

I'm too fond of boxed lunches.

on the freeway, I like to gun the engine.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.

if I was given the chance, I'd love to shake the pulp outta OJ.

and you best believe I'll be...

doing my part to knock the repuglicans outta the white house in 08.

[porkerdavis]

scratch that last line...

it was more joke than political.

mea culpa. mea culpa.

I take it back.

please dont hit me...

I'm really Trying to be a pacifist.