Disorder in the Courts (some funny exchanges)

[Christiern]

Taken from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' the following exchanges are, verbatim, things people actually said in court, taken down and now published by court reporters who witnessed these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:

This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:

Yes.

ATTORNEY:

And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:

I forget.

ATTORNEY:

You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY:

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:

Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY:

The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:

He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY:

Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:

Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY:

So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:

Yes.

ATTORNEY:

And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:

Getting laid.

ATTORNEY:

She had three children, right?

WITNESS:

Yes.

ATTORNEY:

How many were boys?

WITNESS:

None.

ATTORNEY:

Were there any girls?

WITNESS:

Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY:

How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:

By death.

ATTORNEY:

And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:

Take a guess.

ATTORNEY:

Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:

He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:

Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:

Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY:

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:

No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY:

Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:

All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY:

ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:

Oral.

ATTORNEY:

Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:

The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.

ATTORNEY:

And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:

If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY:

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:

Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY:

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:

No.

ATTORNEY:

Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:

No.

ATTORNEY:

Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:

No.

ATTORNEY:

So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:

No.

ATTORNEY:

How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:

Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:

I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:

Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.

Here's a link to more.

Edited March 19, 2009 by Christiern

[catesta]

Thanks, I needed that.

[Hot Ptah]

That's very funny. Thanks!

[relyles]

I had seen it before, but I found it very funny yet again. And speaking on behalf of the lawyer typing this post, I take no offense.

[TedR]

Hilarious! My wife's son recently passed the bar and is working for the state. Thanks for the gift idea.

[DukeCity]

Funny how those things make the rounds. Those just showed up in my email this morning!

I have no doubt about the stupid questions being asked by the attorneys, but some of the wise-ass answers seem a little too good to be true. More like the product of l'esprit d'escalier.

Still damn funny, though.

[kh1958]

For many years, Federal District Court Judge Jerry Buchmeyer had a very funny column in the Texas Bar Journal called et cetera which collected humorous excerpts from depositions and court testimony. As I recall, the stupidity was not exclusive to the attorneys in these columns. Here's a site that collects examples from his columns.

http://www.texasbar.com/saywhat/weblog/index.html

[Big Al]

Y'know Chris, I was laughing until I got to your last line....