Guest Chaney Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 FULL credit to the Hoffman Forum whackos for the post which follows -- stolen by me as I found it so funny! For those of you with an interest in 20th-century US cultural history, these are from the original Hollywood Squares TV show, back in the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes... Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"? A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"? A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment. Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget! Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year? A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries! Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark. Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army! Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy? A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch! Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean? A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing. Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it? A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected! Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds? A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee. Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie, "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen? A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question. Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it? A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming. Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A: Charley Weaver: His feet. Q: Do female frogs croak? A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light? A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice Quote
RDK Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 Very funny stuff - I can hear Charlie Weaver, Gobel, and Lynde in my head as I read them. But these generally were scripted lines. Quote
Dan Gould Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 Very funny stuff - I can hear Charlie Weaver, Gobel, and Lynde in my head as I read them. But these generally were scripted lines. Especially the Lynde line about chiffon and hell's angels. Quote
Jazzmoose Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 Wait a minute; didn't catesta or Jsngry post these here many moons ago? Those bastards are stealing our material! Quote
Jazzmoose Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 I'll be damned...sometimes my memory actually works! Classic Game Shows Quote
catesta Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 Wait a minute; didn't catesta or Jsngry post these here many moons ago? Those bastards are stealing our material! I say we waltz over and kick some Hoffman Forum ass! Quote
Jazzmoose Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 Yeah, we'll show 'em where to stick their hat racks! Quote
JSngry Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 I say we waltz over and kick some Hoffman Forum ass! I say we RUN over there and kick it ALL. Wait, that's not how it goes... Quote
RDK Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 Yeah, we'll show 'em where to stick their hat racks! With your avatar, Mark, I wouldn't go around dissing hat racks! Quote
Guest Chaney Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 Sumbitch! I guess they thought that enough time had passed and that the keen minds of this board -- not me, of course -- wouldn't notice! Well, I just might change the subheading of my thread to RETURNING WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY OURS! 'Course, if a Gort should happen to read this, I'll immediately be banned from the Hoffman forum. Insubordination of this sort IS NOT TOLERATED! Quote
RDK Posted March 12, 2004 Posted March 12, 2004 (edited) Also "stolen" from Hoffman's site, this link to Paul Lynde witicisms... http://www.classicsquares.com/lyndesquares.html Here's just a sample... Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encylopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant? Paul Lynde: Because they can’t talk dirty! Peter Marshall: Sophia Loren has written a cookbook which will be published this spring entitled, “Cooking With ...” Cooking with what? Paul Lynde: Cooking with a three-foot-long spoon. Peter Marshall: Fidel Castro recently gave Yugoslavia’s Marshall Tito a gift. What was it? Paul Lynde: A cheap, hand–painted tie. Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover? Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor! Peter Marshall: True or false. In Athens recently they discovered sketches of the great philosopher Socrates, revealing that he bore a striking resemblance to Paul Newman? Paul Lynde: But he walked like Joanne! Peter Marshall: Paul, in ancient Rome, bakers were required by law to bake something into each loaf of bread. What? Paul Lynde: A Christian. Peter Marshall: The Atlantic Ocean is the major body of water on Africa’s west coast. What major body lies off Africa’s east coast? Paul Lynde: Ex-president Mobutu. Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, “Love to me is something you ..." Something you what? Paul Lynde: Purchase. Peter Marshall: Besides a baton , what did Xavier Cugat always have in his hand when he lead his orchestra? Paul Lynde: Oh, arthritis. Peter Marshall: A woman who is divorced, has a college education, and is nineteen-years-old is more like to have a certain ailment than anybody else. What ailment? Paul Lynde: The heartbreak of psorriasis. Peter Marshall: Can chewing gum help prevent a child from catching a cold? Paul Lynde: No, but I know it’ll plug a runny nose. Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Nylon is stronger than steel? Paul Lynde: But steel panties don’t turn me on! Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty? Paul Lynde: I don’t have a third choice…? Peter Marshall: Where does most of the olive oil in the world come from? Paul Lynde: Caesar Romero’s comb. Peter Marshall: A soap opera in Australia called “Number 96” offers audiences something that no American soap opera has. What? Paul Lynde: An unfaithful kangaroo. Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to? Paul Lynde: His fans. Peter Marshall: True or false. Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5million worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone? Paul Lynde: And it didn’t cure her headache. Peter Marshall: In the movies, who gave the advice, “whistle while you work”? Paul Lynde: It was either Paul Winchell…or Linda Lovelace. Edited March 12, 2004 by RDK Quote
BERIGAN Posted March 12, 2004 Posted March 12, 2004 I never, ever watch the new show, but the tv was on when I came out to the computer(Honest!) and I heard Bernie Koppel say that sex in heaven was......to die for! Quote
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