JSngry Posted September 15, 2004 Report Share Posted September 15, 2004 (edited) Received from a friend: ____________________________________________________________________ A jazz musician got to a gig early and the club owner said, "You're early! What happened?" The musician quickly replied, "I underslept!" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A very intense, self-absorbed saxophone player is sitting at the bar after playing all night. A beautiful woman shyly approaches him and says, "Excuse me, I hate to intrude, but I just have to tell you that I saw you play tonight. I have never been so deeply affected by music before. It's like it woke up my mind and my heart. It also woke me up as a woman. Your music touched me so deeply that I just want to take you home with me and make mad passionate love to you all night long." The saxophone player stares at her for a moment and asks, "Did you see the first set or the second set?" ===================================================== Warren Covington used to have an arrangement of "Tea for Two Cha-Cha" that had a carefully rehearsed break on the downbeat of the 15th measure, with total silence until the beginning of the 17th. One night, Doug Mettome found the opening irresistible. When the band hit the break, Doug stood up and shouted, "Pennsylvania six, five thousand!" The rest of the band did not come back in on the 17th bar, or anywhere else. They had all collapsed with laughter. ******************************************************************** Hotel guy: OK, that completes your check in, your room is # 124, right down the hall. Musician: Thanks, it's nice to have a night off and just relax for a change. I'll think I'll have a nice dinner, glass of wine, and go somewhere to hear someone else play for a change. Do you have any jazz clubs in this town? Hotel guy: Well we happen to have an excellent restaurant right here in the hotel and tonight is jazz night in our lounge. Musician: WOW, I wonder if I would know anyone in the band? Hotel guy: Well, I know the pianist's name is Oscar Peterson. Musician: WOW, "THE" Oscar Peterson? Hotel guy: well, not "THE" Oscar Peterson, but he happens to play piano and he is a local player who we think very highly of. Musician: Well, I'll give him a listen. Hotel guy: And I think the bass players name is Ray Brown. Musician: WOW, "THE" Ray Brown? Hotel guy: Well, not "THE" Ray Brown, but his name is Raymond Brown and he happens to also play bass. Musician: Well, I'll check him out. Hotel guy: The drummers name is Louis Bellson. Musician: WOW,.......... (you know the drill by now) Hotel guy: and the horn player is Kenny G. Musician: WOW, "THE" Kenny G? Hotel guy: I'm afraid so ! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A vocalist hired a piano player to accompany her at an audition for a night-club job. After listening to a couple of songs, the owner said, "Can you sing 'When Sonny Gets Blue?' It's my favorite song. If you can sing it, you're hired." The singer whispered to the piano player, "I don't know it all the way through." The piano player said, "I know it. Go ahead and start, and I'll prompt you." Reluctantly, she began: "When Sonny Gets Blue . . ." She looked at the piano player for help. He whispered confidently, "B-flat minor ninth." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< One night, a front man said to the drummer, "When the band starts to swing, I want you to play more on the ride cymbal." The drummer replied, "When the band starts to swing, will you please raise your hand?" ##################################################### A female vocalist goes for an audition for a show. When it's her turn, she calls "I'll Remember April" in D-flat. "D-Flat!" the piano player exclaims. Taken aback, she replies "Yes, D-flat. Is that too fast?" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" A band at a Mafia wedding decided to take requests. Nunzio walks up and asks "Uh, do youse guys know da song "Strangers in da Night"? The band leader says, "Sure we know that one." Nunzio says "Hey! dat's great! But I got just one favor - could youse play it in 5/4 time?" "Isn't it played in 4/4 time?" the band leader asked. "Yeah, but dis here's a special occasion, know whut I mean?" The band discusses amongst themselves, till the leader turns and says "I don't think we'll have any problems." Nunzio turns and yells out "Hey Uncle Vinnie! C'mon up here and sing!" Uncle Vinnie walks up to the mike as the band begins the intro, and then starts to sing... "Strangers in da f------' night..." /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Remember folks, if you've had half as much fun watching our show as we've had performing for you, that means that we've had twice as much fun as you. Good night, and may God bless! Edited September 15, 2004 by JSngry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe G Posted September 15, 2004 Report Share Posted September 15, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeBop Posted September 15, 2004 Report Share Posted September 15, 2004 "...could youse play it in 5/4 time?" Love it! Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RDK Posted September 15, 2004 Report Share Posted September 15, 2004 Drummer jokes. Old but priceless. And stolen from the 'net... What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why to bands need Roadies? To translate what the drummer says. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two drummers walk into a bar... which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson. "I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?". The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagon? A: Farfromthinken -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To get this joke, you probably have to know about the legendary unpopularity of Buddy Rich amongst his band... A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?" Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up. A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?" "No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone. Ten minuted later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said. She recognised his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone. Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked. Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!" He thought for a moment, and said: "I just love hearing you say it." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer? A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a drummer use for contraception? A: His personality! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream. If you're in a Ginger bashing mood, here's another -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer? A: Put a sheet of music in front of him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?" "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?" "This is a travel agency." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off. After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!" "Bass solo." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?") -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? You have to plug one of them in before it sucks. (Hmmm... that inspires a turnaround variation...) Why are bad drummers better than drum machines? You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money? The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I lady walks into a store and tell the man behind the counter she would like some musican brains. "Alright" he says, "What kind?". "How much do they cost?" she asks. "Well, those there are trumpeters at $5 a pound, those are french horns at $7 a pound, and those are conductors' at $10 a pound." He replies. "What are those way back there?" she asks. "Those are drummers brains. They cost $100 a pound." He replies. "GOODNESS!!", she exclaims, "Why are they so expensive?" "Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get a pound of brains?!?!". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a chiropodist and Ginger Baker? A chiropodist bucks up your feet!! (with apologies to Ginger Baker fans, ... and those that needed to reach for the dictionary for that one) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla? A really dumb gorrilla!!! (ba-dump bump <crash!>) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. They have a machine to do that now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer? A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse? So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the sh*t on the road. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me either. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q:Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds: "No, that's G-d. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you make a drummer slow down? A: Put a sheet of music in front of him Q #2: How can you make that drummer stop? A: Put notes on it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? A: So they can park in the handicapped spot. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings." The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?" "I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings." The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?" "Yeah! How did you know man?" "This is a fish and chip shop." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up! Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The classic one: Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A: A drummer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door? A: The knocking speeds up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door? A: He doesn't know when to come in. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that drummer??" "Beats me!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze? A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them. He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..." SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..." SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..." SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..." SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling. Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside. "So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a variation on the last one Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman." The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on." The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry. "Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?" "About 100." So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar. "Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?" "About 60." "What kind of sticks do you use?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does the average drummer get on an IQ test? A: Drool. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell when the stage riser is level? A: The drools comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? A: Homeless. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band? A: "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job? A: "Would you like fries with that?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe G Posted September 15, 2004 Report Share Posted September 15, 2004 OUCH!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neveronfriday Posted September 15, 2004 Report Share Posted September 15, 2004 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ain't THAT the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrome Posted September 16, 2004 Report Share Posted September 16, 2004 An oldie but a goodie: There once was this guy who was a huge, huge Beethoven fanatic ... he changed his name to Ludwig, saw "Immortal Beloved" hundreds of times, had Beethoven's image tattooed on his back, etc., etc., ... finally, he saves up enough money to go to Vienna to see for himself where Beethoven lived and worked. One night, he decides to take a bottle of wine out to Beethoven's grave and drink a toast to the composer. One thing leads to another, and he gets a little drunk, and he decides to actually dig up Beethoven's body ... so he digs and digs, comes to the casket and opens it up ... and there's Beethoven, with reams of sheet music and a pencil eraser, and he's furiously erasing the music ... the drunk guy says to him: "Beethoven! What are you doing?" Beethoven says: "I'm decomposing!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
casanovas347 Posted September 17, 2004 Report Share Posted September 17, 2004 ok, another one: Bassplayer in the middle of a jazz-gig asked the pianist: "hey...pssst, where are we?" Pianist to the Bassplayer: "That does not concern you anything" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Free For All Posted September 17, 2004 Report Share Posted September 17, 2004 (edited) Bassplayer in the middle of a jazz-gig asked the pianist: "hey...pssst, where are we?" Pianist to the Bassplayer: "That does not concern you anything" Edited September 17, 2004 by Free For All Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shrdlu Posted September 17, 2004 Report Share Posted September 17, 2004 A jazz musician got to a gig early and the club owner said, "You're early! What happened?" The musician quickly replied, "I underslept! Nice one, Jim. That's worthy of Ronnie Scott at his best. I remember him saying "There's one of my waitresses, working! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
casanovas347 Posted September 18, 2004 Report Share Posted September 18, 2004 Whats a banjo-player with a beeper? .....a optimist! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shrdlu Posted September 18, 2004 Report Share Posted September 18, 2004 This one really happened. As a young alto player, always eager to blow, I used to go to a club in Adelaide, Australia, where I would sit in with a band for the last set. They had a female vocalist at one time who was pretty good, but didn't read or anything. She did "When I Fall In Love" with the quintet, and there were solos after her chorus at the start. She had no idea where to come in after the solos. The leader came up with "When I give my nod". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- And another Buddy Rich one. A salesman of the Simpsons zit-faced teenager type came up to Buddy and said "Mr Rich, this new bass drum pedal will make you play twice as fast." "Twice as fast as who, kid?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted September 18, 2004 Author Report Share Posted September 18, 2004 And another Buddy Rich one. A salesman of the Simpsons zit-faced teenager type came up to Buddy and said "Mr Rich, this new bass drum pedal will make you play twice as fast." "Twice as fast as who, kid?" HA! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeweil Posted September 24, 2004 Report Share Posted September 24, 2004 Most of these drummers' jokes are in circulation among Irish musicians - attributed to Bodhran players ..... One more: At the rehearsal, the guitar player asks the drummer: "Now could you play with more dynamics in that song?" Drummer replies: "What? I'm already playing as loud as I can!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DTMX Posted September 25, 2004 Report Share Posted September 25, 2004 A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?" "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?" "This is a travel agency." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla? A really dumb gorrilla!!! (ba-dump bump <crash!>) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me either. I sent these jokes (and a few more) to a friend of mine who is a professional drummer. He forwarded them to his church's drummer and the guy went completely apeshit (please excuse the evolutionary metaphor). Every musician I know likes collecting jokes that pertain to their respective instruments. This guy's the only exception I've ever heard of. Anyone else found an amateur/professional musician that reacted to a joke like it was an insult about their mother? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Wheel Posted September 25, 2004 Report Share Posted September 25, 2004 In the case of drummers, you're simultaneously insulting their mother and their aunt...now that's just unforgivable! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DTMX Posted September 25, 2004 Report Share Posted September 25, 2004 In the case of drummers, you're simultaneously insulting their mother and their aunt...now that's just unforgivable! Good one! How many Organissimo posters does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change the light bulb and the other to tell the first that the RVG light bulb is going to be so much better when it's released next year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
7/4 Posted September 25, 2004 Report Share Posted September 25, 2004 (edited) In the case of drummers, you're simultaneously insulting their mother and their aunt...now that's just unforgivable! Good one! How many Organissimo posters does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change the light bulb and the other to tell the first that the RVG light bulb is going to be so much better when it's released next year. And a third to rave about the Mosaic box of light bulbs and how great the liner notes and remaster is. Edited September 25, 2004 by 7/4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted September 25, 2004 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2004 What light bulb? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
couw Posted September 25, 2004 Report Share Posted September 25, 2004 I'm having a burger & a beer now, no time to change a stoopid bulb. my screen radiates enough light as it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DTMX Posted September 25, 2004 Report Share Posted September 25, 2004 What light bulb? The bulb that the drummer can change if the roadie hauls it in, unpacks it, sets it up, tunes the heads, and adjusts the mics for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DTMX Posted September 25, 2004 Report Share Posted September 25, 2004 And a third to rave about the Mosaic box of light bulbs and how great the liner notes and remaster is. And a fourth to tell the other three that Blue Note is still sitting on some unreleased tapes that will probably be on a Mosaic Select edition in a few years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DTMX Posted September 25, 2004 Report Share Posted September 25, 2004 In the case of drummers, you're simultaneously insulting their mother and their aunt...now that's just unforgivable! Mother, aunt, babymamasistercousin - it's all the same person. My best friend's a drummer. He brings his drumsticks wherever we go so we can park in the handicapped spaces. /inching toward the 500 post mark, one smartass comment at a time... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
7/4 Posted September 25, 2004 Report Share Posted September 25, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Alfredson Posted September 25, 2004 Report Share Posted September 25, 2004 How about this: Q: How many Organissimo posters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The administrator does it and then everyone complains that he didn't do it the right way. -_- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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