The Hummer

[Dan Gould]

Since the Hummer is getting some well-deserved flak in the gas prices thread, I thought I'd share my idea for getting them off the road, or at least minimizing the number of Hummers there are.

I believe the Hummer is much more than a status symbol. It became popular in the wake of the (far more popular) Gulf War I. And why was that? Because certain clowns felt oh-so-special if they could pretend they were driving the same vehicle as the men in the army did liberating Kuwait.

On top of that, the Hummer is huge and a threat to every other vehicle and driver on the road.

So, here's my proposal:

You want to pretend you're an army man by driving a hummer down the oh-so dangerous I-95 or US-1?

Then you have to prove that you are worthy of being an honorary member of the military.

Its simple really:

For every 200 people to put their money down for a Hummer, two teams are created. The "game"?

War Games. Only with live ammunition.

If you survive and are on the winning side, then you are allowed to complete the purchase of your Hummer, because now you are not just pretending to be Mr. Army Man, you've actually walked the walk.

Think of it: Not only will this system minimize the number of Hummers on the road, it will also do a good job of reducing the members of the gene pool who actually think that a Hummer is the vehicle to buy.

Its a win-win for everyone.

[Hardbopjazz]

Great idea. You get my vote.

[Son-of-a-Weizen]

The only person in my neighborhood driving one of those things (a metallic orange one to boot!) is a woman....and she's moving to L.A. in 3 weeks. Maybe move right in next door to the Mule?

Now stop venting your spleen at these hapless people and put your talents to good use by skewering those who truly deserve it over on the political threads!!

[Man with the Golden Arm]

Back before the first Gulf War the title of this thread meant more than just a "modest proposal".

Our town crackpot drives a brand new one of these. About $120K. And he keeps a huge stuffed carny tiger in the passenger seat w/ him for company. You'd think he could afford a Steiff.

[Joe G]

The first civilian to be seen driving a Hummer on the streets of L.A. in the wake of Desert Storm is now the current Governer of California.

[7/4]

The first civilian to be seen driving a Hummer on the streets of L.A. in the wake of Desert Storm is now the current Governer of California.

The Groper!

[Joe G]

September 22, 2003

The Environmentalator

From Kos:

Seyz Arnold:

"I want clean air, clean water and a clean environment," the Terminator star said at a campaign appearance in Carpinteria, about 85 miles northwest of Los Angeles.

Arnold drives a Hummer.

Actually it's worse than that. If memory serves, Arnold was so taken by the Humvee during the first Gulf War that he pretty much spearheaded the campaign for a civilian version. In other words, Arnold doesn't just drive a Hummer--he's personally responsible for the fact that anyone does (in civilian life).

(Sorry about that headline. Still on the first cup of coffee.)

posted by Tom Tomorrow at 09:57 AM | link

--------------------

Link

[Dan Gould]

The first civilian to be seen driving a Hummer on the streets of L.A. in the wake of Desert Storm is now the current Governer of California.

And, under my proposal, its likely that Arnold would have the right to drive his Hummer.

[Joe G]

The first civilian to be seen driving a Hummer on the streets of L.A. in the wake of Desert Storm is now the current Governer of California.

And, under my proposal, its likely that Arnold would have the right to drive his Hummer.

Then I'm sorry, Dan, but I cannot support this initiative.

[7/4]

The Environmentalator

[Dan Gould]

The first civilian to be seen driving a Hummer on the streets of L.A. in the wake of Desert Storm is now the current Governer of California.

And, under my proposal, its likely that Arnold would have the right to drive his Hummer.

Then I'm sorry, Dan, but I cannot support this initiative.

Well, maybe he's not really the Terminator and is just a big wimp and would be on the losing side in the War Games. Then, no Hummer for Arnie, and if we're lucky, no more movies either.

[scottb]

I think the original Hummers are OK. They are so expensive that very few people have them and the taxes generated between the sales tax and taxes on gas probably outweigh the harm. There used to be one that would occasionally show up in the parking lot at work and I would think, "Oh God! What kind of commando wanna be, macho, nut case is driving this thing." Then I realized that 9 times out of 10 this thing was absolutely caked with mud and had obviously been used for its intended nonmilitary purposes. Maybe he's just mud-riding for fun but if that's his hobby then let him be.

On the other hand, the Hummer 2 is a little too affordable and a little too common so that they have become quite a bother. Most of these are strictly used on-road by people who have no need for such a vehicle which I feel is inappropriate for many reasons including road wear, pollution, eye pollution (those things are UGLY), parking problems, poor visiblily while driving, drivers unable to control these oversized vehicles (ie stay in their own lanes!)

The only change I would make to your proposal is to ditch "the game." There's already a little game going on over in Iraq. If you buy a Hummer, you should go to Irag and use it for its original military purposes. After a six week tour of duty you're free to have your Hummer in the states and drive it where ever you want.

Edited May 17, 2004 by scottb

[ralphie_boy]

I'm with you Dan! And not only Hummers, but all of these oversized pieces of shit.

One of my best friends is lying near death in a hospital right now due to some 21 year-old asshole driving a Ford F250 at 60MPH on a two-lane road with a 30MPH limit. He couldn't control the thing coming around a blind curve and hit my friend head on in a Nissan Sentra. He walked away with six stiches in his forehead and my friend, if he lives, probably will not walk again.

[Guest Chaney]

The times, they are a-changin'?

May 17, 2004

No Longer the Next Big Thing, Hummer Offers First Rebates

By DANNY HAKIM, The New York Times

DETROIT, May 16 — Like other Hummer dealers, Jim Lynch is spending millions of dollars to erect a giant glass and steel Quonset hut in Chesterfield, Mo., to replace his dealership near St. Louis. General Motors is insisting that its Hummer dealers plant these fortresses in chic suburbs across America, each announced by a 35-foot-tall "H" out front.

But most dealers are undertaking the ambitious construction project just as Hummer, the loudest and proudest of the giant American sport utility vehicles, has shown signs of losing its swagger.

Sales of the flagship Hummer H2 have fallen for eight consecutive months, and 24 percent in the first four months of the year, compared with the same periods a year earlier. G.M. has resorted to rebates and financing deals, which have become standard for every Detroit brand but Hummer. Inventories piled up as Hummers sat unsold 62 days on average in the first quarter, compared with 15 days a year earlier. And G.M. is now using leases, which are less lucrative than sales, to move a quarter of its volume of H2's, according to J. D. Power & Associates.

"I don't know what it is. I know in some parts of the country it became the poster child for large S.U.V.'s for people who didn't like them," said Mr. Lynch, who has sold Hummers for a decade.

"I know they're burning them in California," he added, referring to the arson of a dealership last year. The attack was linked to the Earth Liberation Front, a radical environmental group. "But we didn't see that here," he said.

Dealers and analysts say rising gas prices are contributing factors for the vehicle, which gets about 11 miles per gallon and has a smaller gas tank than some rivals. For the last two years, fuel economy has been among the top 10 complaints of Hummer owners in J. D. Power's initial quality surveys.

But other giant-sized S.U.V.'s showed signs of sales weakness only in April. To most analysts, the Hummer's main problem is that the H2's success was as a flashy new motorized toy whose time came and went.

G.M. is betting the brand will be revived next year by the H3, a smaller Hummer in the $30,000 range.

"We look at the higher-end S.U.V.'s as really being fashion statements," said Wes Brown, an analyst at Iceology, a market research firm in Los Angeles. "It had its moment in the sun when everyone had to have one. And now, that's it. It's done." The H2's initial success and subsequent cooling off was mirrored by other memorable vehicles, including late 90's revivals of the Ford Thunderbird and Volkswagen Beetle, he said.

Michael DiGiovanni, Hummer's general manager, said, "The brand has enormous growth potential. We're just in our infancy."

"If we had one vehicle line, like the H2, that would be hard to sustain the brand, but we've planned it well and we're going to grow next year."

G.M. owns the brand's retail rights, but Hummers are built by AM General, a privately held company based in South Bend, Ind., that also builds military Humvees. When Hummer was introduced more than a decade ago — Arnold Schwarzenegger bought the first one — it was little different from a Humvee and it sold for $100,000 and up.

But in 2002, G.M. brought Hummer to a wider audience with the $50,000 suburbanized H2 with creature comforts like heated seats. It was a roaring success. It sold for more than a year with almost no incentives, unheard of in Detroit, which has been offering free financing deals or $4,000 rebates on other vehicles.

Now Hummer lags other luxury S.U.V.'s in several categories tracked by Edmunds.com, an automotive data company, including how long it takes dealers to move vehicles off their lots.

Dealers say a new pickup truck version of the H2, coming this month, the H2 S.U.T., will revive sales. They consider the H3 the brand's savior.

"We're a little edgy, yes," says Dan Frost, owner of Detroit Hummer, who is building a new dealership in Novi, Mich. "Sales are weak."

"The big thing they have us on is the H3," he said.

"We're making a big investment in the hopes this will pay off," Mr. Lynch said.

Certainly, Hummers are passionately loved and hated.

"The look is enchanting," said Arnie Bergen, 62, an Oakland, N.J., software developer and retired teacher who test drove one recently.

"It looks like a fun car that you want to get into and drive," he said. "I haven't had that experience since I was a young kid."

To detractors, they are symbols of the nation's soaring oil consumption. Hummers are so large that they are not regulated by fuel economy standards governing most vehicles.

One Web site dedicated to what it calls the "ultimate poseur vehicle" has collected 553 photographs from people all over the country giving salutes to Hummers, Hummer executives, Hummer toys and pictures of Hummers in magazines. As one might guess, these are not military salutes. The site's name cannot be printed in a family newspaper.

The Sierra Club sponsors www.hummerdinger.com, a satirical site lampooning Hummers for, among other things, getting less than half the mileage of a Model T Ford.

Buyers of luxury S.U.V.'s are not counting pennies at the pump.

"If gas was $5 a gallon, I'd probably forget about the Hummer, but if it was $3 a gallon, I'd buy the Hummer," said Mr. Bergen. "I'm not being a big shot," he added. "It's not a major issue for me."

[Dan Gould]

I'm with you Dan! And not only Hummers, but all of these oversized pieces of shit.

One of my best friends is lying near death in a hospital right now due to some 21 year-old asshole driving a Ford F250 at 60MPH on a two-lane road with a 30MPH limit. He couldn't control the thing coming around a blind curve and hit my friend head on in a Nissan Sentra. He walked away with six stiches in his forehead and my friend, if he lives, probably will not walk again.

Sorry to hear about your friend. That is truly horrifying and points out that while my suggestion is made with tongue in cheek, these vehicles really are a threat to those they share the road with.

[Dan Gould]

The only change I would make to your proposal is to ditch "the game." There's already a little game going on over in Iraq. If you buy a Hummer, you should go to Irag and use it for its original military purposes. After a six week tour of duty you're free to have your Hummer in the states and drive it where ever you want.

Are you looking for more troops in Iraq, or the reality of actual military service?

Because at the current US military death rate, it will be far more effective to have would-be Hummer owners kill each other.

[Uncle Skid]

For the last two years, fuel economy has been among the top 10 complaints of Hummer owners in J. D. Power's initial quality surveys.

Well, DUH!!!!

I can't imagine someone buying one of those things, and then complaining about gas mileage!

One Web site dedicated to what it calls the "ultimate poseur vehicle" has collected 553 photographs from people all over the country giving salutes to Hummers, Hummer executives, Hummer toys and pictures of Hummers in magazines. As one might guess, these are not military salutes. The site's name cannot be printed in a family newspaper.

Introducing the official H2 Salute

[AfricaBrass]

One Web site dedicated to what it calls the "ultimate poseur vehicle" has collected 553 photographs from people all over the country giving salutes to Hummers, Hummer executives, Hummer toys and pictures of Hummers in magazines. As one might guess, these are not military salutes. The site's name cannot be printed in a family newspaper.

Introducing the official H2 Salute

YIKES!

[Uncle Skid]

YIKES!   

There's some absolutely hilarious stuff on that site! 595 pictures!!

I was just in Chicago for the day, but I was pleased to see H2 hatred going strong. It's hard to see, but look closely at that shiny door. Someone keyed the word "OINK" into this double-parked behemoth. ***DISCLAIMER - vanwinkle does not endorse vandalism of any kind. vanwinkle only takes pictures of said vandalism when it strikes him as kinda cool.

So many ironies in this shot. First of all, the flag - "I'm an American, and I can guzzle as much gas as I want." Secondly, it's hard to see, but this H2 has an environmental license plate - special order plates that raise money to save the beautiful Minnesota land that this pig is destroying. And never mind the fact that this woman was driving around downtown Minneapolis - yes, we all need heavy armor to get around the city.

[Jim Alfredson]

Sorry to hear about your friend as well, ralphie boy. One of the piano movers my father uses (he is a piano technician) is currently helping his girlfriend recouperate after being run over by a huge GMC Suburban. She was riding her bike in a residential, 25 mph neighborhood, lined with houses and with children everywhere, and this huge behemoth that has no place in an urban environment didn't see her as he was racing down the street at 45 mph and literally ran over her. She's lucky she's alive.

[ralphie_boy]

Sorry to hear about your friend as well, ralphie boy. One of the piano movers my father uses (he is a piano technician) is currently helping his girlfriend recouperate after being run over by a huge GMC Suburban. She was riding her bike in a residential, 25 mph neighborhood, lined with houses and with children everywhere, and this huge behemoth that has no place in an urban environment didn't see her as he was racing down the street at 45 mph and literally ran over her. She's lucky she's alive.

Sorry to hear that. More people need to understand that 6,000+ lbs of steel is a weapon, just like a gun, bomb, hand grenade; take your pick. I can understand if someone has a legitimate need for a commercial vehicle for work purposes, but other than that, no one should own these things, especially the irresponsible.

[BruceH]

How about, the prospective Hummer-owner has to drive from one side of Baghdad to the other.

[7/4]

I wonder if they sell these at BJs?

Edited May 17, 2004 by 7/4

[The Mule]

The only person in my neighborhood driving one of those things (a metallic orange one to boot!) is a woman....and she's moving to L.A. in 3 weeks. Maybe move right in next door to the Mule?

I'm with Dan on this one!

Nobody on my street owns one yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if one of those obnoxious beasts shows up. Those damn things are everywhere in LA and, yes, mostly piloted by women who can barely see over the steering wheel.

Speaking of our esteemed governor, I've seen HIS parked all over town. You know it's Arnold's because it says "The Terminator" on the side. I'm not kidding...

[RainyDay]

I'm with you Dan! And not only Hummers, but all of these oversized pieces of shit.

One of my best friends is lying near death in a hospital right now due to some 21 year-old asshole driving a Ford F250 at 60MPH on a two-lane road with a 30MPH limit. He couldn't control the thing coming around a blind curve and hit my friend head on in a Nissan Sentra. He walked away with six stiches in his forehead and my friend, if he lives, probably will not walk again.

I am sorry to hear about your friend.

I was on the freeway some months ago and someone in a Hummer was right on the tail of the car in front of it, I mean right on top if it. If the car had stopped suddenly, it would have been a fatal accident for sure.