Poverty sucks----and I'm sooo tired of it....

[fasstrack]

I should start out saying I believe in personal responsibility. I chose to be poor in many ways. Now I want to choose not to be b/c it's slowly killing me: the stress, the worry about people always breathing down your neck and a roof over your head.

In the last 5 years I had to ask for grants from charities 2 or 3 times just to make my basic rent and utility bills (I was sick the first time, so I don't beat myself up. The other times were different). I'm about to again, based on being out of work the past 2 weeks. I have a landlord ready to try to evict me based on being late one lousy week (I'm not worried about that, as I know my rights, and how long the process takes---it's just that I killed myself to get from a room where I was robbed every day to here, and I really like the place, just got a piano here), a car that was towed and I had to fight to get it back (it's still not back, hopefully today it will be). I was able to sabre rattle and tell my councilman's aide it was b/c I hit a pothole that the wheel came off and I would give them a hard time if my car wasn't returned free of charge. The cell is off due to non-payment and I've had to use unreliable pay phones, which I don't even have access to sometimes. My car is uninsured. You get the picture.

The thing is I really hate and am ashamed of being a deadbeat. I would like to be comfortable enough to enjoy my simple life of music and friends through my own earnings and not fear homelessness, but being rich doesn't appeal to me. As long as I work hard and pay my way and not have to go through the humiliation of being a hard luck case I'm happy. But I can't seem to get there, to get healthy.

I realize there are people in as bad or worse shape. I think however, though I have to own up to why I'm always behind the 8 ball, we are a rather heartless, money-driven society, and it disturbs me greatly, for example, how cities just screw the poor in every way, especially milking drivers with tickets, towing, and fines. I've thought often about being, with my passion and energy, an activist for the poor. A more realistic plan, I think, is to stop being poor. I am resolved, b/c I simply can't and won't live like this anymore. It's too hard, too stressful, too depressing. My plan is to go back to teaching music in the public schools under a new program that's more lax on credentials. If I can get in a charter school, even better, they don't break your balls as much over education credits, at least in NY. I'm hoping to get on that track by September, while still pursuing performing and composing. I finally realized that at 55 my next birthday I damn well had better put away something for the future, b/c if being a hard luck case now is bad, it's painful to think what it's like when one can't work anymore.

Any thoughts about poverty? Any stories, especially about climbing out?

Edited April 7, 2009 by fasstrack

[papsrus]

While I haven't known poverty, I sympathize with your situation.

I think this whole job thing comes down to the old saw about who you know, rather than what you know. Networking. There are people, organizations and businesses out there willing to help those who want to help themselves. Find them. Get as many irons in the fire as you can. The teaching thing sounds great, but don't get discouraged if it doesn't pan out the way you envision. Have you considered private lessons? Post a professional-looking ad at a nearby music store. Get to know the folks who run it and see what kind of leads they can offer. That sort of thing.

Basically, try to surround yourself with people who support you and can help you, and lose the people who don't or won't.

I hope that all didn't sound like empty advice. Things will get better.

[BERIGAN]

fasstrack, I wish I could offer some really swell advice...but, I have never been rich either....One thought I had though. Are you in NYC??? Have you thought of moving elsewhere, where say rent, taxes, etc, aren't so high?? And with cities having less revenue come in these days, only means higher taxes for all, and more enforcement of parking tickets and so forth.

I saw a story about a month ago on Houston and how they were still doing pretty good job wise, how the cost of living was much less than in other big cities. Can't seem to find it now, it was on ABC news.

Here's a story on the big winners and losers in the job market. Of course, New York has the most workers, but it's at the bottom for job losses.

http://houston.bizjournals.com/houston/sto...02/daily50.html

Sounds like from what I have read, that education, like the health care field are still job growth areas, so that's good new for you.

Good luck in the future!!!!

[Jazzmoose]

Yeah, I have thoughts on poverty, but I'm too embarrassed by my present situation to talk about it much. Ask me after I climb out and make it a distant memory I can look back on fondly (hah!) and we'll talk.

[JSngry]

I used to be "night porter" (aka JANITOR) at a Burger King. This was after my scholarship and my folks' and my own money had ran out and I wanted to continue school for a little while longer. I could have graduated, but that would have meant becoming a band director, which is something that totally lost its appeal to me after doing student teaching. So yeah, it was voluntary - at first. But then it got to where I was living "on principle" and didn't want to stop doing so for fear of A) giving up too soon B) compromising too much & C) giving up and compromising at all. And I learned to adapt over the years, finally to the point where when a road gig with a "hotel show band" (remember those?) came along and offered a steady income and a chance for unlimited travel, I figured why not? Quite a few of the others in the band were like me to one degree or another, aspiring jazzers who finally realized that hunger only inspires you to the point to where it don't lead to starvation...

Ok, so it was a compromise, but it was also an education. And I met my wife while on that band, and led me to an incredibly extended period of being able to compromise less than I would have had to if I had been on my own all those years. But that's not real "principle" so much as it is constructively capitalizing on the gift of love from a loved one, so...

anyway, back to the night porter gig. I applied for food stamps when I first got the gig because I was broke, hungry, and only working the porter gig two nights a week. I just wanted a stopgap until the hours/money picked up. $14.00 a month was all they'd qualify me more, and even in 1979 you couldn't live for a month on $14.00 worth of food. I took it, but I soon made a discovery - Burger King had a bucket where they put items that customers returned. Say they got onions and had asked for it w/o, or vice-versa, stuff like that. Most of these items didn't even have a bite taken out of them, if you can believe that. Or the ones that did only had like one bite. So I started coming in, even on nights I wasn't scheduled, to raid the bucket. Only rarely did I have to pass, and occasionally, like on Saturday nights, the bucket would be full & the stuff on top would still be warm!

Well, this went on for a week or two, and then the manager told me to stop, that they needed to count that stuff in the morning for inventory/bookkeeping purposes. I explained my situation to her, and she was all "sorry, but it's official procedure blahblah blah" So I made a deal with her - I would leave a note in the bucket giving the details of what I had eaten. This was fine with her, but after a while, she heard from her bosses that this was not cool. So I pitched a bitch with her about standing on principle and I'm giving up this and that to be a musician and blah blah blah and how come she can't stand on principle for a whopper or two that are only gonna be thrown out anyway, not even taking into consideration that I was a voluntary "poor" college student & she was a 22 year old single mom w/o any college who needed this job and if I had it to do over again, I would have been nice to her and stopped right then and there and realized just how full of shit I was really being.

But instead, I went to see Woody Shaw in Oklahoma City one night (yeah, that gig from the other thread) when I was supposed to show up and clean the grilles and toilets, not knowing that regional management was coming in early that next AM for an inspection. She didn't lose her job because of my conceit, but she did get reamed out pretty well and was told that she could forget about her raise for the next year. She was in tears when she told me this, she needed that little bit of extra money, and the fact that she didn't go apeshit on me was what finally opened my eyes (ok - slowly began to open my eyes, assholery is seldom completely disarmed all at once, if ever...) to how big an ass I was being about the whole "me first" thing as it pertained to music and such. Sure, you gotta stay on track, but life is about more than just yourself all the time, ya' know? If I had it to do over, I'd still go see Woody Shaw, but I'd have come back and covered my job before I went home to bed. There was time...

No real point here other than that reality is not painless, you can always find something to eat, a good woman is a gift from god, so don't abuse it & think that it's your doings that are keeping you clean, and above all, the way out is often not found where you'd think to look for it.

Edited April 8, 2009 by JSngry

[PHILLYQ]

I can certainly sympathize with you, Fasstrack- I spent some tight years in poverty living alone. I worked as a dishwasher for awhile and only the free food kept me afloat until one cook got fired(drunk on the job) and another quit, so I was drafted into service as a cook. Many years later, I have a deep love affair with cooking and enjoy it immensely. Funny how life turns sometimes.

I left the restaurant job and took a job in a bank, and I was so broke that I had to walk a mile or so home from the subway because I couldn't afford the bus fare(days of two-fare zones). Many times I had $5 for food and three days to payday, but the cooking skills I had acquired on an emergency basis got me through.

If you can ,get the academic position, as it will provide benefits, which are crucial as you get old and the body shows wear and tear, etc. As sucky as it is, you may have to do some hustling after the bucks for a bit, taking jobs that you hate to keep body and soul together. It blows, but sometimes that's what you gotta do. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things work out OK for you.

[fasstrack]

fasstrack, I wish I could offer some really swell advice...but, I have never been rich either....One thought I had though. Are you in NYC??? Have you thought of moving elsewhere, where say rent, taxes, etc, aren't so high?? And with cities having less revenue come in these days, only means higher taxes for all, and more enforcement of parking tickets and so forth.

I saw a story about a month ago on Houston and how they were still doing pretty good job wise, how the cost of living was much less than in other big cities. Can't seem to find it now, it was on ABC news.

Here's a story on the big winners and losers in the job market. Of course, New York has the most workers, but it's at the bottom for job losses.

http://houston.bizjournals.com/houston/sto...02/daily50.html

Sounds like from what I have read, that education, like the health care field are still job growth areas, so that's good new for you.

Good luck in the future!!!!

I'm in Yonkers now. NYer my whole life. I lived in Holland twice, and should have stayed the 1st time, in '01. People warmed to me and my playing and were offering to help get an apartment for me. There was a nice jazz scene and it would have been easier to emigrate than the last time I went, in '07. That was a big mistake and the beginning of my troubles. No, I haven't considered living elsewhere in the States, as my whole social network and all my friends are here.

I just had a setback landlord-wise, I'll leave it at that, and just say that it sure didn't help. I started working today and got my car back. I plan to work 15-hour days to get healthy, but this is a bad scene with this guy.

I thank all of you for your responses and concern. I would like to hearmore of people's stories, especially w/happy endings, but all. Let's look at how strife shapes people's thinking and actions, makes them stronger, pushes them over the edge, etc.

[Jim Alfredson]

If I hadn't met my wife, I'd probably be living with Joe right now. Or my grandparents.

It's as simple as that.

[AllenLowe]

same here, but I'd probably be sleeping in my car -

[Shawn]

I'm right there with ya buddy. I've been working just enough to not get kicked out onto the street (although family and friends have been assisting at times), sometimes I go sell some CDs to either put gas in the car or get some food, my clothes are shot, my shoes are shot, my car is damn near shot....

But you know what's not shot? Hope. I'm filled with it. I've spent most of my life depressed and feeling hopeless...but this time, as crappy as each individual day can get...I feel hopeful. I KNOW something is going to come along. I still feel that coming to Austin was the right thing for me to do and I don't intend to leave anytime soon. No more running for Shawn.

[Joe G]

But you know what's not shot? Hope. I'm filled with it. I've spent most of my life depressed and feeling hopeless...but this time, as crappy as each individual day can get...I feel hopeful. I KNOW something is going to come along. I still feel that coming to Austin was the right thing for me to do and I don't intend to leave anytime soon. No more running for Shawn.

Actually, I would call that faith. Could be faith in yourself, the Universe, whatever. But it's a little different than hope, in my view. Stronger.

Edited April 8, 2009 by Joe G

[fasstrack]

I'm right there with ya buddy. I've been working just enough to not get kicked out onto the street (although family and friends have been assisting at times), sometimes I go sell some CDs to either put gas in the car or get some food, my clothes are shot, my shoes are shot, my car is damn near shot....

But you know what's not shot? Hope. I'm filled with it. I've spent most of my life depressed and feeling hopeless...but this time, as crappy as each individual day can get...I feel hopeful. I KNOW something is going to come along. I still feel that coming to Austin was the right thing for me to do and I don't intend to leave anytime soon. No more running for Shawn.

Not feeling all that hopeful right now. I've met a lot of nice people in this crisis, and that's good. But they can't pay the bill. Without money you are shit. Period. That's what America is about and I admit I fucked up. The people I've gone to for legal and housing help too have basically told me to take a hike, I don't qualify, etc. I'm in a real spot and really scared. So I try to remain hopeful, but: bottom line, give this bitch his money yesterday or get put out. He doesn't give a shit about hope, or anyone's problems, dreams, good points, honesty, hardworkingness, or---especially---hard luck, just money.

I'm pretty damn hopeful usually, and known to be a striver. Not today.

Edited April 8, 2009 by fasstrack

[JSngry]

Can you get a cruise ship gig?

[fasstrack]

Can you get a cruise ship gig?

Gonna limp along doing bullshit jobs and playing when I can until a find a job teaching kids---then hold on for dear life for ten years so I'll have what to retire with. That's my plan. But I have to stop the bleeding first. Like Scarlett O "I swear I'll never be poor again"....

[fasstrack]

This may have a happy ending yet. I walked into a neighborhood eatery on Monday, not knowing where to turn. The owner

knew me from when I used to come in to eat after work in the car service down the street (where my recent problems started after a falling out with the boss, resulting in her firing me) and we had struck up a friendship. My timing was good, b/c he offered me a delivery job on the spot---without knowledge of my predicament. The day I started, Tuesday, this golded-hearted guy loaned me money to get the repair my car needed to make it driveable after fetching it from the tow joint.

Now, three days later, it turns out that he is learning mideast drums and jams outside the store with friends, sounding pretty good; he is a fan of my playing (he has a guitar in the place and asked me to play, though I wasn't in the mood) and has talked me up to the keeper of a well-loved saloon with live music on the block; just bought another place in a private pool/ health club that is perfect for live music in summertime, and we discussed myself and friends perhaps playing a steady night (summertime is a bitch, it has killed me for years as all my incomes have gone on vacation with the clients). And, incredibly, he has a basement he's willing to rent to me cheap! Now if the landlord starts eviction, which he has a hard-on to do, and I was ready to have a stroke over, I can move out by month's end and live on the security deposit (I doubt that the fuck'll go for that, but it's cheaper than to sue to get me out). This guy Khali, BTW, is, I believe Lebanese, and his wife Palistinian. He has been having monthly skull sessions in the joint among Jews and Arabs called "Working towards Peace, One Falafel at a Time", something he cooked up. There was an article about this in the terrific local paper, the Riverdale Press, posted in the front window.

The thing to do when this calms down is to take a serious look at why I keep fucking up and living so close to the edge. I started out stressing the importance of responsibilty. It's not really cool to always have to be rescued, though I'm very relieved to have the help. All of us will run out of second and third chances one day. We have to make our own lives work. I think I tend not to think things out, resulting in bad decisions, the consequences of which I have to live with. Fortunately, there is no wife or family to pull down on the way to rack and ruin---but doing it to oneself is bad enough. Change can come anytime the desire and willingness to work toward it are present.

I also don't know about the appropriateness of becoming dependent on this guy for both a job and housing. That sounds like a recipe for a possible rift if something fucks up. Moving into this guy's basement means we will be in each other's faces day and night, not a good thing, Also, giving me too soft a landing is not doing me a favor ultimately since the world is tough and if you don't learn that and how to survive in it (better yet, how to live comfortably---or even prosper) it's sort of your ass. It's sort of feeding my need for a crutch, when kicking it away might be better medicine. Maybe I'll ask to stay only til I get healthy, then, after saving a bit, move into another apartment ahead of schedule.

I think a result of continued poverty, outside of important factors like racial prejudice, is perhaps a synthesis of the thoughts we put out (attracting good or bad results) and a certain degree of luck. I think the trick to turning a life around probably begins with one's thinking.

What do you all think? How have you handled similar situations? Anyone want to confess their own transgressions? Tell Rabbi Fass..............

Edited April 10, 2009 by fasstrack

[papsrus]

All very good news. Sounds like a bunch of very positive stuff is happening. Run with it.

[fasstrack]

All very good news. Sounds like a bunch of very positive stuff is happening. Run with it.

I'd feel great running with the employment aspect. I don't think it wise to both work for the guy and live in his home. One wrong move and I've made an enemy, plus familiarity breeds contempt and we would drive each other nuts seeing that much of each other. I think it wiser to find another lower-cost living situation and not bring one's problems to work. There's the slightest chance I could get a charitable grant and cool things down here but it'll always be pressure to pay this kind of rent given my history of making little money. Plus I see how this landlord is. Even if I survive this current crisis with my rear end black and blue he will continue to have it in for me and my lease will never be renewed----worse still there will be unending harrassment in a campaign to get rid of me. I'm pretty sure I'm out of time, though, and expect to be served with papers today.

Not really sure what to do, but at least I do have the job and again I see how the kindness of people nurtures hope and striving.

[AndrewHill]

Yeah, definitely, that's very good news Fasstrack. I look at it from the perspective that tomorrow's always a new day; never give up because life is always full of challenges. Good luck and hopefully everything will turn out well.

HG

[fasstrack]

Yeah, definitely, that's very good news Fasstrack. I look at it from the perspective that tomorrow's always a new day; never give up because life is always full of challenges. Good luck and hopefully everything will turn out well.

HG

Finally I work full time. It may be too late for this landlord but I am resolved to the path of least resistance---whatever that may end up being. But never again---whatever it takes---will I put myself in these straits.

I sincerely thank everyone for their good wishes.

[Jazzmoose]

I think you're right about not wanting your boss and landlord to be the same person; too many eggs in one basket and all that. On the other hand, if he's willing to offer it as a temporary solution (and you don't let go of the idea that it is temporary!) it could still be a help.

And I dunno about that "path of least resistance" stuff; that's the road that led me to most of my mistakes in life. But, it's a trait you learn growing up the way I did...

[fasstrack]

I think you're right about not wanting your boss and landlord to be the same person; too many eggs in one basket and all that. On the other hand, if he's willing to offer it as a temporary solution (and you don't let go of the idea that it is temporary!) it could still be a help.

And I dunno about that "path of least resistance" stuff; that's the road that led me to most of my mistakes in life. But, it's a trait you learn growing up the way I did...

OK. I dig. And appreciate. But there's no way to divine the meaning of that last enigmatic sentence unless you explain it.

[Jazzmoose]

But there's no way to divine the meaning of that last enigmatic sentence unless you explain it.

Yeah, I guess that's true. It's an instance of revealing more about myself than I intended.

Child of an alcoholic. Not a physically violent one, but a verbally abusive one. If you've been there, that probably says it all. If not, I'm not sure I can explain it. You learn pretty young (whether it's the right lesson is another question) that you have to hold things together for everyone, supress your own anger (or any other feelings), and choose whatever action is necessary to make the pain stop. If you can't make it stop, you do what it takes to postpone it. You get to the point where every action is designed to mollify the alcholic and prevent an explosion from taking place. You learn that passivity is far more often the better option than taking an active step.

[fasstrack]

But there's no way to divine the meaning of that last enigmatic sentence unless you explain it.

Yeah, I guess that's true. It's an instance of revealing more about myself than I intended.

Child of an alcoholic. Not a physically violent one, but a verbally abusive one. If you've been there, that probably says it all. If not, I'm not sure I can explain it. You learn pretty young (whether it's the right lesson is another question) that you have to hold things together for everyone, supress your own anger (or any other feelings), and choose whatever action is necessary to make the pain stop. If you can't make it stop, you do what it takes to postpone it. You get to the point where every action is designed to mollify the alcholic and prevent an explosion from taking place. You learn that passivity is far more often the better option than taking an active step.

My mother had a PhD in verbal abuse. Her mouth was very destructive, and she also was wonderfully accomplished at ambivilence/sending mixed signals. My dad took it lying down. I, however, was, and am a fighter and cannot suppress. It probably has been a lifesaver, but in the bargain in self-defense I wound up having just as brutal a mouth at times. You become them---ironically become that which you fear. Now, when I go off on people---almost always in reaction to stress, as she would---and I've worked on controlling it more and more, and anyway could never be as bad as she, they learn to avoid me like touching a hot iron. It's taken me years to break the cycle and music and my talent for friendship have been critical in maintaining my mental health and also in people realizing what I am really about despite taking it dark at times. I also use that aspect of her and others I've known with repellent behavior/attitudes as negative examples and try not to do as they do.

At the same time her combativeness can be a good example also---as in not taking any crap from anyone, which she didn't (Though she gave it!) and I never haver either, speak very bluntly to those who dish it out and sleeping very well at night. When she believed in something she was like hell's fury, and I sort of admire and emulate that. Go figure.........

Edited April 12, 2009 by fasstrack