joke thread

[Gary]

My favourite joke seems to be doing the rounds on Email at the moment , so as someone's already gone to the trouble of typing it out I thought it would be rude not to share it...........

An ugly bloke walks into his local pub with a big grin

on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well I'll tell you," replies the bloke, "You know I

live by the railway, well on my way home last night I

noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the

movies.

"Well, I went and cut her free and took her back to my

place.

"Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored with her,

big time! We made love all night, all over the house.

We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman, "you lucky sod!

Was she pretty?"

"I dunno, I never found her head."

[DTMX]

You'll be a big man at the dinner table when you tell this one to your kids:

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Impatient cow.

Impatient c----

Moo.

[Hardbopjazz]

Two friends Carlton and Joe are arguing.

Carlton says he knows everyone in the world.

Joe says he’s full of crap.

They argue a bit more, when Joe says, “prove it”.

Carlton says, “Okay, I’ll prove it”. He tells Joe to name someone.

Joe says, “Okay, do you know the president?”

Carlton, replies, “The president, of cause I know him, we go back a long way.”

Joe says how can you prove it.

Carlton says, “Let’s go to the white house and say hello.”

So they go to the white house and knock on the door and Bush opens it.

“Why Carlton, long time no see. How’s things with you?” Joe is in a loss for words.

“Wow, he knows the president.” Joe says in amazement.

They leave after some Texas coffee. Carlton asks Joe if he believes him now.

Joe replies, “You got lucky. I know someone you don’t know.”

“Who’s that?” asks Carlton.

“You don’t know the Queen of England.” Joe says.

Carlton replies, “Of course I do.”

So they fly to Buckingham Palace and knock on the door.

The Queen opens the door and says, “Carlton, what a lovely surprise. Won’t you and your friend come in for some tea?” So they sit and have tea with the Queen. After a bit they leave.

“So do you believe me now?” Carlton asks.

“No,” says Joe. “There’s one person I know you don’t know.”

“And who’s that?” Carlton asks.

“You don’t know the Pope.” Joe yells.

“I know the Pope” Carlton says. “We are close friends.”

So off they go to Vatican City to meet the Pope.

When they arrive there is a huge crowd in the courtyard below where the Pope is sitting giving a speech.

Carlton tell Joe to wait here while he tries to get up to the Pope so he can prove he know him. “I’ll shake his hand.” Carlton says. That should be enough to prove it. He makes his way up to the Pope.

After an hour the crowd starts to fade. Carlton comes back to see if Joe now believes him. He looks all around for his friend but doesn’t see him. He notices a bunch of people standing around looking at someone lying on the ground. Carlton realizes it is Joe and breaks through the crowd to get to his friend. “Joe, Joe,” Carlton yells. “Are you okay?”

Joe sits up and says, “ I didn’t believe it when you said you knew the president. I still didn’t believe it when you said you know the Queen of England, But when I was standing here and the guy next to me yelled out, “Hey, who’s that man with the funny hat next to Carlton, I couldn’t take it.

[Joe G]

A monk, a rabbi, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke??"

[catesta]

Not sure if this one was posted already or not....

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to

audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to

the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with

the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them

back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of

candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the

crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to

trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send

them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box

of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the

know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the

leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here,

too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the

foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a

complete Dick."

[Dan Gould]

Father comes home to find his 9 year old son needing help with his homework. He needs to learn the difference between theoretically and realistically. Father says no problem and tells him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.

The son goes to his mother and then comes back and tells his father that she said yes, she'd sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.

Father says, go find your older sister and ask her the same question.

Kid comes back and tells his father that she, too, would sleep with the mail man for a million dollars.

Father says, "OK. theoretically we're sitting a on a two million dollar windfall. Realistically, we live with a couple of whores."

[BERIGAN]

NC 17 joke...you have been warned....

As a woman passes her daughter's closed

bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening

the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a

vibrator. Shocked, she asked; "What in the world are you doing?" The

daughter replied: "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing

is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave

me alone." The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from

the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he

observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query

as to what she was doing, the daughter said; "Dad, I'm thirty-five years

old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a

husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." A couple days later, the wife

came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter,

and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,

downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on

the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked; "What the hell are you

doing?" The husband replied; "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."

Edited March 23, 2005 by BERIGAN

[slide_advantage_redoux]

Q) What does Michael Jackson have in common with Shamu?

A) Both are black AND white and live in theme parks (and if you sit too close, you may get sprayed).

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Michael Jackson and Tanya Harding are new partners in the horse racing field; she handles handicaps, and he rides the 4 year olds.

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Q) What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a greyhound racing dog?

A) The greyhound will wait for the hares/hairs to come out.

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A man was seated at the bar, drinking slowly but looking very sad.

Bartender: "what's wrong, buddy?"

Man: "Well, last night I got home from work early, and I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend on our couch"

Bartender: "Wow, that's rough! What did you say to her?"

Man: "I told her we were through, and that I wanted her ass out of there ASAP"

Bartender: "I don't blame you one bit! What did you say to your best friend?"

Man: "I leaned way down until I could look him straight in the eye, and I said 'BAD DOG, BAD DOG'"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course everyone has heard about the new saxophone terrorsist group.

Kenny G-had

Edited March 23, 2005 by slide_advantage_redoux

[Dave James]

This is much better told than written, but here goes anyway:

Why does Michael Jackson like 23 year olds?

Because there's 20 of them.

Up over and out.

[Gary]

A Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week. The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, me name's Dave.

DJ: Dave, what is your word?

Caller: Goan spelt G O A N, pronounced "go-an"

DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, Goan is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Goan fuck yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what is your word?

Caller: Smee spelt S M E E, pronounced "smee".

DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself

[billyboy]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down

on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented

octopus. He can play any instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him ... so he says he

will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus

can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The

octopus starts playing better than Jimmi Hendrix. So the man pays

his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet

better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the

octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a

confused look.

"Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to

fuck it as soon as I get its pajamas off."

Edited November 22, 2005 by billyboy

[catesta]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever

sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk

when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I

told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me

jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and

world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't

getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a

job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly

wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered

some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got

married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he

wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, That's it? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling

him so cheap?"

"Because he's a fuckin' liar. He didn't do any of that shit"

[Chalupa]

Harry was going about his goldmining job when there was a terrible accident and the mine caved in. He woke up in the hospital to find he's had his leg cut off to get him free from the ruins.

Harry was distraught. "I'll never work again he said!"

"No" reassured his pal Ernie. "You'll get work"

"But who would want a one-legged golddigger?" he asked

"Paul McCartney!"

[Big Wheel]

Craig Handy told this one during a long break at the Mingus Big Band show at the Iridium Tuesday night. Sy Johnson was working out one of the parts in section and instructed Craig to "say something funny" during the downtime:

Three successful surgeons are sitting on a beach in Mexico. These guys are worth several million each and possess some of the world's biggest egos, so most of their time is spent bragging about themselves.

The first doctor says, "Here's why I'm the greatest doctor in the world. A few years back I had a patient come in with seven severed fingers. Thanks to me, he played a Beethoven piano concerto at Carnegie Hall less than two years after the operation."

The second doctor says, "That's nothing, you no-talent hack. Why, only last year I had a patient walk in and he had no arms or legs. Thanks to me, six months later he won a gold medal at the Summer Olympics in the 500 meter butterfly."

The last doctor replies, "Please. I can't even believe I'm sitting on the same beach as you two losers. Here's why I'm the world's best doctor: Some time ago they brought me the remains of a guy who had been in an accident. He was riding a horse across the highway when he got blindsided by a semi. All that was left for me to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. And just look at him now!"

Edited May 20, 2006 by Big Wheel

[slide_advantage_redoux]

An attractive blonde who had been playing a round of golf rushed into the pro shop upset.

The club pro asked what was the matter.

"I was playing a round of golf when a bee flew up and stung me!"

"Oh I am so sorry to hear that! Where did it sting you?"

"Between the first and second holes"

"I see the problem. Your stance is much too wide"

[slide_advantage_redoux]

A middle aged Jewish couple goes to see their Rabbi to discuss their marital issues.

Husband: "I love my wife, but for some reason, she is just unable to achieve orgasm during intercourse, and I want to solve this before it causes a serious rift in our relationship."

Wife: "I do love my husband dearly, but I feel like I am missing out on a special part of a married couple's life"

Rabbi: "Hmmm. I have a suggestion. If it would not be too awkward for you, perhaps I could observe you making love."

The couple agrees after talking it over, and is escorted to a back room where a table is setup in the middle of the room.

They undress, climb onto the table and began to have sex. Pretty soon the man is obvoulsy enjoying himself and is approaching orgasm, but the wife just lies there impassively.

Rabbi: "Okay, lets stop for a moment. Do you feel any pleasure at all?"

Wife: "No" she says, starting to cry.

Rabbi: "I have a suggestion. Perhaps if a young sexy man stands over you waving a towel, this could help free up your mind! Are you willing to try this?"

After quietly discussing it, the couple tentatively agrees.

The Rabbi steps out and in a minute returns with a handsome young rabbitical student undressed to the waist, carrying a towel.

The couple resumes having sex while the young man fans them with a towel. Again, nothing.

The Rabbi asks them to stop for a moment. He sits at his desk rubbing his head, thinking.

He looks up and says: "This may seem extreme, and I certainly don't want to offend you, but I have a radical suggestion. Do you want your wife to have pleasure?"

Husband: "Of course I do."

Rabbi: "My suggestion is that you and the young man swap positions. Why don't you try waving the towel for the time being"

The couple shyly agrees, and the young man strips off his shorts. The two men switch places, and the young man proceeds to have intercourse with the wife.

As the husband vigorously waves the towel, trying to bury his anxiety over seeing his wife have sex with another man, she slowly starts to moan. After a few minutes, she is having multiple orgasms, clawing the young man's back and thrashing all over the table.

Proudly the husband exclaims:

"Now,THAT is how you wave a towel!"

Edited May 20, 2006 by slide_advantage_redoux

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

[Jazzmoose]

Oh, that's a good one...

[Herb]

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when

suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

he driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses

and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you

exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me

a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at

his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook

computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on

the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get

an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA

satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high- resolution photo. The

young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it

to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he

receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed

and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC

connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a

few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,

miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and

says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the

cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on

amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the

cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your

business is, can I have something?

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why

not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. government" says the Cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even

though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already

knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter

than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows........

Now give me back my dog."

Edited May 20, 2006 by Herb

[Brownian Motion]

BBC NEWS

Joke generator raises a chuckle

Software that can construct jokes has been created by researchers.

Computer scientists in Scotland developed the program for children who need to use computerised speech aids.

They team said enabling non-speaking children to use puns and other jokes would help them to develop their language and communication skills.

The researchers admitted some of the computer-generated puns were terrible, but said the children who had tried the technology loved them.

The System to Augment Non-speakers Dialogue Using Puns (Standup) project has been developed by scientists at the Universities of Dundee, Aberdeen and Edinburgh.

Computer scientist Dr Annalu Waller, one of the project researchers the University of Dundee, said: "Basically, the computer comes up with novel jokes - many of which are terrible."

"Children who are developing on a typical development track actually tell very unfunny jokes, so we have provided that facility for non-speaking children as well."

Funny bunny

Children using the software can choose a word or compound word, which will form some or all of the punchline, from the system's dictionary. The program then writes the joke's opener.

It works by comparing the selected word with other words in its dictionary for phoenetic similarity or concepts that link the words together, and then fits them into a pun template.

Some examples of jokes the software has generated include:

* What do you get when you cross a car with a sandwich? A traffic jam

* What do you call a strange rabbit? A funny bunny

* What do you call a frog road? A main toad

* What do you call artist who is a minister? A pastor master

Dr Waller said children who are unable to speak can suffer from communication setbacks because their computerised speech aids can lack scope for generating novel language.

Language play, including use of humour, is believed to have a beneficial effect on a child's developing language and communication skills.

The software has recently been used in a 10-week trial at a school outside of Glasgow.

Dr Waller said: "The kids have been superb, they have taken to the software like fish to water. They have been regaling everybody with their jokes."

She said it seemed to have boosted their confidence as well as their language skills.

"It gives these kids the ability to control conversations, perhaps for the first time, it gives them the ability to entertain other people. And their self-image improves too."

The researchers are in talks with manufacturers to see if the software can be integrated into computerised-speech aids for children.

Story from BBC NEWS:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/technology/5275544.stm

Published: 2006/08/23 07:28:40 GMT

© BBC MMVI

[BERIGAN]

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

Hey, didn't say they were classics or anything!

[The Magnificent Goldberg]

Subject: Final word on nutrition and health

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[EKE BBB]

This is not a joke, but something real, as told by Danish saxophonist Jesper Thilo in his autobiography:

<<Duke’s orchestra was in town (Copenhagen, Denmark). Jesper’s phone rang:

“ Duke wants an alto sax for the band tonight”.

Jesper was thrilled:

“Great, he said, I’m coming right away”.

“Don’t bother to come, just send the saxophone with a taxi”. >>

[MoGrubb]

Montana Golf Rules

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell a bit like pepper spray.

[Tim McG]

Words of Certain Wisdom:

When Life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

When Life hands you a load of crap...don't make anything.

Trust me on this.