The 25 Funniest Analogies

[White Lightning]

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

http://writingenglish.wordpress.com/2006/0...glish-teachers/

[Guy Berger]

Thanks Barak -- some of those were pretty good!

Guy

[Rooster_Ties]

[jazzypaul]

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

http://writingenglish.wordpress.com/2006/0...glish-teachers/

I've seen this list 1,000 times, and I never get tired of this one. Cracks me up every time I see it.

[ejp626]

They are funny, but if you probe enough you find that in fact they were written by adults for a bad-writing competition. I was slightly reassured to learn this, just like when you pass on buying a CD that you think you already own and you come home and find out that you do indeed own that particular CD.

[RDK]

I was slightly reassured to learn this, just like when you pass on buying a CD that you think you already own and you come home and find out that you do indeed own that particular CD.

Good job!

[GA Russell]

Well, whatever the source, thanks for posting that White Lightning!

[Noj]

Clint Hopson at JC told me I'm "as obnoxious as House without the limp." It doesn't meet the intentionally awkward/flawed criteria of this list, but it's pretty funny.

[Free For All]

They are funny, but if you probe enough you find that in fact they were written by adults for a bad-writing competition.

That's what I suspected. These were too clever and creative to have been written by actual "bad writers". It seemed like an intentional effort.

Still really funny stuff, though!

[rachel]

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

[DTMX]

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Oh man, I've totally been there.

[Dan Gould]

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Oh man, I've totally been there.

That was the one I liked the best. Disappointing as it is to learn that they are all intentionally bad.

That reminds me, shouldn't the "It was a dark and stormy night" awards be announced soon?

[PHILLYQ]

Regardless of origin, a great laugh- thanks for posting the list.

[Man with the Golden Arm]

I'm sure if we went thru AMG long enough we could compile quite the Thom Jurek list.

dang, no simile smiley?

[BERIGAN]

Funny, I could see some high school kids writing some of those, on purpose.

Funniest line along those lines I read years ago....I think it was umm, Dickens, or Melville who wrote this. Yeah, that's the ticket.... My dick was as hard as quantum physics.

Edited December 12, 2006 by BERIGAN

[Aggie87]

Totally unrelated, but some of these made me laugh as hard as this courtroom joke, involving a child:

Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, O.K.?

A: Oral.

Q: How old are you?

A: Oral.

[BruceH]

I like #4!

[Jim R]

#'s 1-15 were like jabs to the body, and this one laid me out:

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

[Jazzmoose]

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

Yeah, that one is just perfect!!!