My first letter to MSNBC's/Slate's "Dear Prudence"

[Rooster_Ties]

My letter (the one down below) is in response to this letter (see quote) that appeared in yesterday's "Dear Prudence" column on MSNBC/Slate.

Source: the last letter (4th one down) at this link.

Posted Thursday, October 9, 2003, at 8:50 AM PT

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I met online three years ago. We married very soon after

meeting, and we got pregnant the week of our marriage. Ever since we got

married and pregnant, we have not had sex. It is now three years later. NO

SEX. He refuses to have sex. He says he is not cheating but that sex is too

much work. I'm 36 years old. I think I'm a good-looking woman. I wouldn't

cheat, but I don't know how long I can continue without sex. I never thought

when we got married it would be like this, and my husband said he should

have told me. There are so many questions and "what if"s. All I know is I'm

36, and sex doesn't look like it is around the corner for me.

--Up Against a Brick Wall

Dear Up,

Around the corner? My dear, it doesn't look like it will be in this lifetime

with this man. Prudie is still reeling from your husband's declaration that

sex is too much work. What does this chap do for a living-sit in a chair and

ply the trade of chocolate-taster? Not only do you have a perfectly

supportable reason to get divorced, you might even have a case for

annulment. There is definitely something wrong with this man, not you, and

he has no intention of fixing it. The real question is why he chose to get

married in the first place. In any case, there is every likelihood that your

life will be much improved without him. Odds are good that knowing what you

know now, your next romance will involve a higher level of due diligence.

--Prudie, amazedly

Dear Prudence,

In regards to the letter reproduced above, I would like to politely but

strongly suggest that your answer could have been more sympathetic to the

range of possible issues within the husband in this relationship. Put

yourself in his shoes for a moment. He meets his future wife, they get

married quickly, and then BAM - as a result of (possibly) their very first

sexual encounter (or maybe even his very first sexual encounter ever -

though that's probably less likely)... ...suddenly "they" get pregnant.

Now maybe he wanted to start a family "someday", or maybe he wanted to wait

(and somehow he didn't think it would happen so quickly), or maybe he just

had mixed feelings about being a father (probably) for the first time. For

many men (myself included) the idea of being a parent is pretty darn

intimidating. (I'm married to a wonderful woman, and neither one of us

wants to have kids.) In his case, being a parent may have been more than

he really was ready for (though he may be otherwise coping reasonably well

with the challenges of fatherhood - if indeed they chose that path).

In any case, it sounds like the husband has some personal issues with sex

(possibly as a result of the pregnancy that occurred so very early in their

relationship) that might well be helped by some counseling (at the very

least), and also an attempt by the wife to understand where the husband

might be coming from about his "no sex" policy. To me, his statement that

"[he said] he should have told [her]" seems like an excuse from him to cover

for the fact that he's now gun-shy about having more kids (even if they

would now "take precautions").

At the very least, you could have suggested some serious marital counseling,

before suggesting that the wife might have grounds for not only divorce, but

maybe even an annulment.

And your statement: "In any case, there is every likelihood that your life

will be much improved without him." seems to suggest that he has no other

redeeming values (or frankly, no other role in the relationship than his

role "in bed"). The wife's letter makes no claim as to any other egregious

character flaws on his part, and your suggestion to "dump him now", without

any attempt to figure out what's really going on here - is pretty darn cold,

in my opinion. (And, perhaps they are now the parents of a 3-year old

child - so shouldn't that play into her decision-making process?)

This is my very first letter to you on any subject. But I was so moved by

reading this particular exchange in your column, that I felt obliged to

speak up on behalf of the husband in this letter, who may be going through

any number of personal issues that are preventing him from wanting to have

sex. Please rethink your position, and issue a more reasoned (and helpful)

response - one that might be more helpful to both partners in this

relationship, rather than just to the one partner who wrote to you.

(And my opinions on this subject would have very likely been identical if

the genders of the couple were switched. In fact, I challenge you to

consider if your response would have been the same if it were a husband

writing to you, to complain that his wife refused to have sex for three

years after they became pregnant immediately after they got married. I have

a hard time imagining you writing that "he should have filed for divorce, or

even annulment - and in any case, surely he'll be better off without her.")

Respectfully,

--Things aren't always what they seem, especially if you're only getting half

the story.

Edited October 11, 2003 by Rooster_Ties

[Rooster_Ties]

PS: Those of you who probably think I'm half as crazy as Aric (and probably think that with some justification, at times ), might be surprised to know that the other half the time I'm actually a pretty thoughtful sort of guy, as evidenced by my letter above.

(I think the anonymity of being on-line brings out a more extroverted side of me that doesn't manifest itself in my 'off-line' world. Or maybe it's just Andrew Hill’s fault.. )

[vibes]

Hey, good letter, Rooster_Ties...and you didn't even mention Andrew Hill once.

[Jim Alfredson]

Good for you, Rooster. "Prudie's" reply was completely one sided. If you're not getting what you want, throw the guy away he's worthless. It's the Oprah-fication of America.

For instance, I was watching Oprah this afternoon while relaxing before the gig (trust me, there was nothing else on) and she had this big thing about this poor guy who's wife hated his look and so they did a Queer-Eye make-over on him.

Here's what he looked like before (he's on the left... I have no idea who the other guy is). You just know they told him to scowl before this shot was taken:

And here he is after the make over (again, on the left... but notice how both guys have the same expression):

Oh great, he looks like fuckin' Gray Davis now. Perfect! Thanks, queer guys!!!

What the hell? I thought he looked pretty cool before. The hair should've been in a pony tail but you know... his beard was nice and trimmed. Now he looks like every other schmoe... yay.

But he seemed to like it. His wife mentioned they were gettin' it on more now, so hey, bully for him.

[BERIGAN]

3 YEARS, AND NO SEX???????? HE'S GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was expecting from Rooster feeling the need to send a comment back to Prudence , that she had given the woman a hard time. IF what she is saying is true, he refuses to have sex, after 1000 days and nights together, I believe Prudence is right, there is no hope! It would be one thing after 10 years this(lack of sex) was the norm, but this is nuts.

He is clearly being selfish, he couldn't care less about her needs. Her self esteem is in the dumps right now. None of her friends will be able to relate, they might have known a night or two when they didn't jump each others bones, but 3 years????? I don't really believe the fear of more children is the main problem. Put her on the pill and slip a sock on it, if he is so damned afraid of another kid! He could be picturing her as "Mom" now, but 3 years he should have been able to overcome that.

It would be interesting to hear more from this couple, wouldn't it?....Does no sex mean no sex, of any kind??? No oral sex, or mutual masturbation??? If that is the case, perhaps my joke at the beginning wasn't so far off.....

Edited October 11, 2003 by BERIGAN

[connoisseur series500]

Nice letter Rooster.

Agree with your points made, though I'm in the Berigan camp in assuming the guy is probably gay.

Miss Prudence was hardly prudent in her response.

[JSngry]

What Prudence fails to mention is that the letter is from her sister, and that Pru has been boning her now-brother-in-law since 1989.

Details, details, details...

[BERIGAN]

What Prudence fails to mention is that the letter is from her sister, and that Pru has been boning her now-brother-in-law since 1989.

Details, details, details...

[jacman]

she left out the part about gaining 300lbs, cutting her hair to near nothing, and bitching at him constantly about his cigar smoking or jazz record collection.

[Jazzmoose]

she left out the part about gaining 300lbs, cutting her hair to near nothing, and bitching at him constantly about his cigar smoking or jazz record collection.

Sounds like you know more than you're letting on, Jacman! So, 'fess up: you're dippin' the wick somewhere else, ain't ya!

[Dan Gould]

What you all are forgetting is the "we married very soon after meeting" part. Its entirely possible that they have grossly different sex drives, a key element of compatibility that seems to have slipped their consideration in their zeal to get hitched.

[jacman]

she left out the part about gaining 300lbs, cutting her hair to near nothing, and bitching at him constantly about his cigar smoking or jazz record collection. 

Sounds like you know more than you're letting on, Jacman! So, 'fess up: you're dippin' the wick somewhere else, ain't ya!

well, my first wife sorta fit into that catagory, except: no kids, not that much weight.

i'm currently married to the most wonderful woman in the world, who does't mind the cigars, and thinks my Jazz collection is cool.

[Jazzmoose]

i'm currently married to the most wonderful woman in the world, who does't mind the cigars, and thinks my Jazz collection is cool.

Damn you! I gave up the cigars, and was perfectly happy with "tolerates jazz" until you posted that!!