Funniest Thing You Ever Heard A Drunk Say

[JSngry]

Ok, I'm doing a show band gig in Farmington, NM in 1981 (don't ask, still haven't figured it out myself...), am pretty tanked myself, wearing this lovely off-white tailed tuxedo w/chocolate brown trim, and a very ruffled shirt (1981, remember) when this totally blitzed cat in dirty overalls, a thermal shirt, and a well-worn gimme hat walks up to me, looks me dead in the eye, and says, "You know son, It takes a big woman to weigh 300 pounds."

Pause....

Belch...

Then...

Hiccup...

Then...

"And it takes an even bigger wheelbarrow to haul her around in."

With that, he turned and walked away. Never saw him again.

But I'll never look at wheelbarrows the same way again.

So, what wise words sez the drunks you've ran across?

[Big Wheel]

One night about 8 years ago I heard a bum on the Miami Metrorail holler:

"Can't give the kids Kool-Aid....they'll just put iodine in it."

I've said some interesting things myself, but most of them are too lewd for a family audience.

[JSngry]

One night about 8 years ago I heard a bum on the Miami Metrorail holler:

"Can't give the kids Kool-Aid....they'll just put iodine in it."

WHOA!!!!

[paul secor]

I once had an old guy ask me if I knew the address for Budweiser. He said he wanted to write them because he found a monster in his beer bottle the night before.

[dave9199]

Though not a drunk comment, I did do the following: I was sleeping over a friends house, this was when we were in high school in the mid-80's, and he always sleeps with the tv on. I fell asleep first and he was still awake. Evidently, I sat upright, looked at him and asked, "Is David Lee Roth still in Van Halen?" He said no & I went back to sleep. Maybe a couple minutes later I actually woke up and he's looking at me with this huge grin on his face. "Do you realize what you just asked me?" I said no. I don't remember it at all. We still laugh about it.

[7/4]

Though not a drunk comment, I did do the following: I was sleeping over a friends house, this was when we were in high school in the mid-80's, and he always sleeps with the tv on. I fell asleep first and he was still awake. Evidently, I sat upright, looked at him and asked, "Is David Lee Roth still in Van Halen?" He said no & I went back to sleep. Maybe a couple minutes later I actually woke up and he's looking at me with this huge grin on his face. "Do you realize what you just asked me?" I said no. I don't remember it at all. We still laugh about it.

Was he?

[dave9199]

No. He already had left for the greener pastuers of the David Lee Roth Band. The rest is history...I mean his story.

Which reminds me of the first time I got high. I was with my brother, we just gave his friend a ride home & were walking to our house (I was 16 & a virgin) and I blurted out, "Did ya ever notice how girls smell like their tampons?"

He fell on the ground laughing. He also agreed (he was 22). It was a year or so later I realized what I was smelling: Aqua Net hairspray. Why did I think it was a tampon, I have NO idea, absolutely none. We still laugh about it.

Edited November 21, 2004 by dave9199

[frank m]

A buddy and I were at Condon's uptown, when a well dressed guy at the next table turned to us at the end of a set, and said,quite clearly, out of the blue "You know, Bud Freeman's the only saxophonist who can play this music" (Bud had just played a hot solo}

My buddy said to him, "Well there's always Eddie Miller"

He looked at us and said, "You're right, but that' s all. Bud Freeman and Ezzie Millrum, Ezieb Millrum, ees right" , and collapsed forward on the table, banging his head.

I'd seen people pass out due to drink before, but I'd never seen anyone go from a state of complete sobriety to complete inebriation in the middle of a sentence.

[Big Wheel]

I'd seen people pass out due to drink before, but I'd never seen anyone go from a state of complete sobriety to complete inebriation in the middle of a sentence.

Did you notice if he had started to stand up just before the slurring began? I think the change in blood flow can really exacerbate the effects of the booze. A friend of mine had a couple of glasses of wine when we were out to dinner once, and seemed fine until we got up to go. As soon as we left the place she started giggling and stumbling around, barely able to stand up.

Edited November 21, 2004 by Big Wheel

[RDK]

Maybe not "drunk" per se, but Aric's said a few memorable things on this very board...

[7/4]

I'd seen people pass out due to drink before, but I'd never seen anyone go from a state of complete sobriety to complete inebriation in the middle of a sentence.

Did you notice if he had started to stand up just before the slurring began? I think the change in blood flow can really exacerbate the effects of the booze. A friend of mine had a couple of glasses of wine when we were out to dinner once, and seemed fine until we got up to go. As soon as we left the place she started giggling and stumbling around, barely able to stand up.

Some folks have unstable blood sugar levels, even a single glass can make it big changes.

[Jim Alfredson]

I've related this story on this board before, but once on a gig I let the saxophonist's friend sit in on my keyboard rig. The guy was a pianist, but I'm an organist and my rig is set up as such. I do have a piano sound, but it's on an unweighted synth, a little out of reach, etc.

Anyway, the guy sits in and is playing the organ simulator. He's doing all right. I go and sit down at the bar, get a beer. This drunk guy sitting next to me, who I've never met, turns and says, "That guy can't play organ. He's a piano player. You can tell." I thought, how observant of him.

All of a sudden he says, right to my face, "He's not like you, though. You play real nice. But you look like a fucking dork."

[.:.impossible]

Fucking classic b-3er... hilarious.

[Joe G]

I don't know if he was drunk, but once when I was walking into work (on the night shift) a car pulls up, the guy rolls down the window, and asks me what time it was. I told him it was about ten minutes to 9. He says, totally serious, "Morning or night?"

[Jim Alfredson]

Did you say "morning" just to mess with him?

[Chuck Nessa]

About 23 years ago a drunk (in his 50s, business suit, "friend of musicians" approached me in Joe Segal's place. Since I was a "record company" he saw me as an enemy of musicians - this is a life hazard for us in the biz.

So...his point of attack was directed to my "manhood". He said "Have you fathered any children"! I said I had a son and a daughter. He said "One of each, how nice for you". I asked about his offspring and he proudly exclaimed "FOUR". I asked "One of each?" and after a blank look and a few seconds, he took a swing at me.

[JSngry]

[Jim Alfredson]

There you go, making friends again!

That's funny, Chuck.

[connoisseur series500]

About 23 years ago a drunk (in his 50s, business suit, "friend of musicians" approached me in Joe Segal's place. Since I was a "record company" he saw me as an enemy of musicians - this is a life hazard for us in the biz.

So...his point of attack was directed to my "manhood". He said "Have you fathered any children"! I said I had a son and a daughter. He said "One of each, how nice for you". I asked about his offspring and he proudly exclaimed "FOUR". I asked "One of each?" and after a blank look and a few seconds, he took a swing at me.

Dang Chuck,

Being you can be dangerous in the outside world. Keep those types of comments on the Organissimo board and try to adopt a low profile outside...

[catesta]

I've heard some funny shit from drunks over the years, some of it coming from my own mouth.

This is not the funniest story, but it is a story.

I was in small neighborhood bar with a lady friend, and the dude next to me asks me if I'm Portuguese, I said no, I'm Italian. So he proceeds with "well do you speak any Portuguese", I again reply no, the guy then starts asking me questions IN PORTUGUESE. I mentioned again "dude I do not speak the language".

He said "well you should", I asked why, and he says "because we are the coolest fuckin' people in the world," I told him, "well, you don't really want me, I'm a boring fucker".

He yelled out to the bartender "give my man here a drink! From this day forward he is my brother"! He took off to the bathroom, and when he returned, he noticed me talking to my girlfriend. Dude comes over and gives a half ass whisper in my ear "shit is looking better for you already, I see snatch in your future".

[Joe G]

I don't know, I think that's pretty funny!

[JSngry]

Damn funny, I'd say!

[pryan]

At my place of work, drunken rich MF to one of the waitresses : "How old is your mother?" - dumb questions like that to a 20yr old girl. Finally, when he's really drunk, "I'll park my car in your backseat".

Think about it.

[patricia]

OK. I'm not a big or frequent drinker, but there was one incident that my friends still remember.

I was leaving a job where I had been for several years, to move to CA. My office-mates took me to a nearby pub, right after work, to say goodbye to me. I had not eaten at all, all day so it didn't take long for me to feel the effects of the six glasses of wine and one annesette I had imbibed. I looked fine, apparently, but I was seriously wasted. The conversation turned to what my friends should have done to mark my departure. Somebody suggested that we should have had a get together at somebody's house and hired a buff stripper, in honour of my leaving.

Just then, one of my friends' husbands appeared on the scene and heard the suggestion which had been made. He said that, should the occasion arise in which we would require a stripper, he would be happy to fill that role, gratis. He was a very unattractive, ninety-eight pound mechanic, still in his work clothes, dirty baseball cap on his head, atop very greasy-looking hair. In short, yuchh.

So, I turned to him and said, in a very dignified voice, "Lorne, who among us has not imagined you, naked??"

I thought my boss was going to choke on her drink.

[7/4]

So, I turned to him and said, in a very dignified voice, "Lorne, who among us has not imagined you, naked??"