kenny weir Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 Divorse Smoother Maybe I should just go ahead and get that Jazz Crusaders set. Yep - that's one of several I picked up soon after. Ideal. A natural. On the solid advice of my financial advisor, who said: "Go out and spoil yourself a little." I did. Also: It may seem like a silly thing to say for where you're at now, but ... there's a lot to be said for enjoying new-found space and freedom (movies, TV, sports, jazz, food, music of all sorts, sleeping in, housework, whatever ...). Just being able to make decisions in the now, on the merest whim, I got a real kick out of, and still do ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patricia Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 (edited) The first emotion I felt when I got my own place was not sadness, but relief. I had felt sadness for so long it was wonderful to know that I had taken control of my life. There are few things sadder than realizing that you have been living a lie for years. What held the marriage together were the two beautiful daughters who came out of it. My commitment was to them. But, to stay, after they didn't need me would have been the same as slowly dying. So, I left. There was nobody else involved in the breakup. If I marry again, it will be to someone I truly can't live without. But, I'm fine on my own, poorer, but much happier. I now can eat what I want, listen to the music I want, know that my space is as neat, or as messy as I want it to be, do work that gives me joy. Life can be good again. My ex and I are close friends, I think because we have finally realized that we are better as friends than as a couple. Edited August 2, 2006 by patricia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Son-of-a-Weizen Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 I've always called you Pat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Free For All Posted August 2, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 On the solid advice of my financial advisor, who said: "Go out and spoil yourself a little." I did. OK, if I was going to do this here's what I want (with matching ottoman) About $1,000 for the set. Probably not in the immediate future though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patricia Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 (edited) I've always called you Pat. I stand corrected. And it never caused me to fly into a rage, did it? And, BTW, Paul, that's a good buy and a really comfortable-looking chair. Go for it!! Edited August 2, 2006 by patricia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chewy-chew-chew-bean-benitez Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 chewy chew chew needs an ottoman too. my 50s danish-modern wooden sofaframe w/ cousions looks great and fits like a charm but its the most uncomfortable piece of shit to sit on. i cant even get through 1 episode of SCTV without hurting my back Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catesta Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 SCTV Message to FFA, take the dog! I did. Of course she made me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chewy-chew-chew-bean-benitez Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 DUDE IVE BEEN STRUNG OUT ON SCTV ALL WEEK MAN I RENTED 3 SEASONS OF IT. THEY ARE ALL ABSOUETLY INSANE. ITS THE GREATEST EVER. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catesta Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 "Good evening Ladies and Gentleman... my name is Guy Caballero, President and Owner of SCTV, and don't you ever forget it!" Great, now I need to get the set. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catesta Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 woooooooohooooooooo....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Free For All Posted August 2, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 Message to FFA, take the dog! I would do that in a heartbeat, catesta, but the fact is she will be able to care for the dog better than I. My freelance-musician lifestyle demands that I do a lot a travelling, sometimes away for a week or so, and I'd rather not have to put him in a kennel. The only way I could have a dog was to have someone else with whom to share the care. My wife travels much less and I think he'd be happier in the long run. She is going to take over the house (refinance and buy me out) and it has a great yard for the dog. This is his home. I'm hoping to get to (on occasion) visit him and take him to the park as long as I'm in town. It's a drag because that dog and I are very tight, but I want to do what's best for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcoliv Posted August 2, 2006 Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 The trust I lost was trust in the strength of the relationship. Even if she called me today and said that she changed her mind, I don't think we could go back to where we were. I mean, this could happen again in a month or a year or five years. I couldn't live with that uncertainty. I think we've reached the end and that makes me very sad, but I must accept it. Paul, thanks for creating this thread and to all the members who contributed with it. it was very educative to go through all the posts. among many things you mentioned Paul and that i agreed i think this is the most important one. for months i prayed for my wife to reconsider but now i can't believe that she would be with me on the good and specially on the bad times. we never had a single problem and then BANG....brick wall.... i quit my apartment in december/2004 and problems "officially" started on september/2004. i was the happiest guy in the world having her with me and i can't say that i'm fully recovered by now but i know that it was very very painful. since last friday i have a girlfriend but there's something missing. i don't feel i can really trust someone but i'm glad things are developping well between us and so far my expectations are not that high. dunno if it's the best way to approach it but that's what i can give right now most of my stuff (including stereo and discs) is still at my old apartment where my ex lives and we'll file for divorce in january/2007. the law here in Brazil requires me to wait 2 years before starting this my lack of english skills don't allow me to go further but i would say to you to never forget who you really are Marcus Oliveira Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Free For All Posted August 2, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2006 Thanks for sharing that Marcus. Right now I feel a definite lack of trust in general. I'm wary of trusting people, situations, even my own feelings. I'm assuming that the passage of time will help with this. This lack of trust is magnified by a recent (5 years ago) situation regarding the passing of my father. I won't go into that right now, but there were events that really shook me up and made me skeptical about trusting people. I've barely been able to start processing that and now this- needless to say there's a lot going on in my head right now. Thanks again for your support and input, Marcus, and I wish you the best in dealing with your situation. my lack of english skills don't allow me to go further but i would say to you to never forget who you really are Your english is excellent, by the way. This last sentence says a lot! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed S Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 I've followed this thread for the past few days, but did not have a chance to add anything until today. One thing that really helped was knowing that there are more than a few of us going through the same situation. While I don't wish a painful divorce on anyone, it is kind of reassuring to know that you're not the only one that is experiencing the same thing. I think that Jim Sangrey said something tho the effect that you should not let what happened to you define you. For a while I did. I had some very very dark days that were absolutely horrible. I hope to never experience those again nor would I wish them on anyone. My heart goes out to Paul and every one else who has experienced an unwanted divorce. I'm still befuddled with what went wrong. Great kids, great home. Excellent vacations. Great sex. Nice jobs. Politically alike, always laughing. Lots of friends, lots of entertaining in our home. Lots of common interests. I knew that the whole family thing was more than she expected, but always felt that our love would help us weather any storm. She had complete and unquestioned freedom to do whatever she wanted. Turns out the love was one way, she completely betrayed my trust (but not before convincing me that she needed a new car) and it got worse. I don't want to rehash everything here, but will discuss privately if anyone thinks it will help them. For a while, I did let what happened to me define me - became depressed, despondent and worse. One of the things that helped me was the love for my kids and the slowly emerging realization that the family life and feeling I had could continue after the separation. I have my boys every other week and because I help out with the school bus stuff etc, see them almost every weekday. My ex and I (and the divorce is not yet final) have done a nice job of shielding them from the bitterness that can permeate such a situation. She wants to be my friend, while I don't know if I ever can see her as anything more than the boys' mother or a piece of furniture. In the meanwhile, at some point I decided to give match.com a try. I met a lot of nice women, many probably somewhere I was - not sure if they could trust anyone, afraid of re-committing but looking for some companionship, friendship and perhaps some validation that they are in some way attractive. Last October, I decided to take a break from that scene as things weren't working out. The very next day, there was a message on my machine from the guy who cuts my hair. Yes I go to a salon and no he's not gay - not that there's anything wrong with that. Seems he knew someone who wanted to meet someone who had a lot of characteristics that he knew I possessed. It was his sister. We talked on the phone - and clicked instantly. We met a few days later and really hit it off. She has to be the kindest, most wonderful person I've met - not to mention that she's physically attractive, funny, loves blues, like jazz and is the easiest person to talk with I've ever met. We've been together since October and have been really enjoying each other's company. We went to Paris in April and to Montreal for the jazz festival last month. In June, I introduced her to my children and that has been going well - she comes over for dinner and an activity of some type once during the week that I have them. Speaking of my boys, I took them on holiday to Ottawa and Mont Tremblant this past winter and just returned Sunday from a trip to Philadelphia, Gettysburg and Pittsburgh. I guess I'm only writing this crap because I think it's helpful to know - from someone who experienced the very darkest of days - that things can turn out for the best, that life goes on and it's nice to be back as a full participant. Paul or anyone else, feel free to Pm me if you think it will help. Peter - I saw your earlier post and can't find it - so perhaps you deleted it. Feel free to PM. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 We talked on the phone - and clicked instantly. We met a few days later and really hit it off. She has to be the kindest, most wonderful person I've met - not to mention that she's physically attractive, funny, loves blues, like jazz and is the easiest person to talk with I've ever met. We've been together since October and have been really enjoying each other's company. We went to Paris in April and to Montreal for the jazz festival last month. In June, I introduced her to my children and that has been going well - she comes over for dinner and an activity of some type once during the week that I have them. Speaking of my boys, I took them on holiday to Ottawa and Mont Tremblant this past winter and just returned Sunday from a trip to Philadelphia, Gettysburg and Pittsburgh. I guess I'm only writing this crap because I think it's helpful to know - from someone who experienced the very darkest of days - that things can turn out for the best, that life goes on and it's nice to be back as a full participant. Kick @ss!!! Congrats!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Alfredson Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 That's great to hear, Ed. I hope the happiness continues! Congrats! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patricia Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 Yes. Good stuff Ed. Question. How many of the same qualities does your new lady have that your ex has? The reason I ask is that many of my friends whose relationships and marriages didn't work out kept being attracted to the same personality traits, over and over, even marrying them in some cases, starting the cycle over. I wish you happiness, but be careful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Free For All Posted August 3, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 (edited) Thanks for posting, Ed. I'm happy for you and encouraged by your optimism and success. As for me, I think I'm in the midst of the darkness several have mentioned, but I'm sure there will be better days. And bitter days as well. It will be a while before I can even think about finding someone. I think I need to do a little work on myself first. Today was an interesting day: 1) Went to the dentist after a long avoidance. Verdict: Root canal in my immediate future. Yipee. I will be requesting maximum drugs for that whole deal. 2) Talked to my wife- remember, she's in Santa Fe (as she is every summer) doing a gig (I started a SF thread a while back- seems like a hundred years ago now). No hostility, got some clarification on several issues. It's still hard to talk without getting emotionally overwhelmed. ..and finally... 3) Went to the gym for my session with my trainer. Felt like shit. I've been out of town and haven't been working out as much as I should (been drinking quite a bit as well). Turns out I've gained several pounds. Yee-ha! So, all in all a crazy day, but I don't feel all that bad about it. I was very emotional all day- things are percolatin' right at the surface, not at all how I usually function. Got some things in focus, I know what I need to do about other things. Trying like a MF to move forward. Plus I got a prescription for some Valium (to be used previous to the root canal appointment. Hope there's some left by then ). I'm also looking for an apartment, I don't know if I'll be able to afford a place big enough to put all my CDs. For that problem I blame the board. Sorry about blogging a bit. I'm starting to sound like the "pianoman" over at JC. :rsmile: I second what Ed said- it is comforting to hear from others going through similar situations. I wish everyone the best. I'm glad I started this thread- it is helping, and for that I say "thank you". Paul Edited August 3, 2006 by Free For All Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Stream Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 (edited) Hey Ed, great to hear you're doing so well! Paul, good luck. I saw my brother go through a divorce a couple of years ago and I saw what pain and confusion is causes. Just know that you'll be o.k. Edited August 3, 2006 by Soul Stream Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ed S Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 Thanks for the good wishes! I'm about as happy now as I have ever been. Not just because of my relationship mind you. I've found a whole new level and way of relating to my boys. I've become interested in music again, started painting again. Insofar as the relationship is concerned, my ex and my girlfriend are as different as night and day. The ex was a very matter of fact person, to the point of being cold and unapproachable. A my way or the highway type. Very literal. A player. She was also very superficial and materialistic - always needed to show off the best of everything. She valued friendships far, far more than family - and that was a source of discord. My girlfriend Kelly is about as kind, gentle and giving a person as I've ever met. She's laid back, fun, easy going, non judgemental. Understanding. Very sexy. Very open with feelings and emotions. My friends and family never warmed to the ex. They adore my girlfriend, if that matters for anything. Taking time for yourself is a very good thing. I found I was drinking WAY more than usual and had gained some weight. I realized I was doing that and before a problem developed, I made an effort to cut back. I felt that I did not need another problem to deal with, if you know what I mean. When I finally turned the corner, I did a bunch of stuff for myself and continue to do the same. Picked up a bunch of Mosaic sets, started remodeling some rooms in my home - that sort of stuff. I have the "marital residence" but want to put my own decorative touch to things, sort of to make the place mine again - as I owned it before I was married. Don't know where my current relationship is heading. As I said, I had sort of decided to give up the whole dating thing when I ended up meeting her. Right now we're sort of working through the meeting the kids thing. She has none of her own and she is also the first woman I've introduced to my boys - about 18 months after the divorce announcement. She's getting to meet my boys and slowly figuring out what it's like to have a 9 and 11 year old in the picture. We'll see in a few months, I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patricia Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 (edited) Sounds good, Ed. I was concerned that you might be falling for the same woman, with a different face. It's a common error we make, I guess trying to get back what we lost. A do-over in a way. Your lady sounds like a keeper, so far. I wish you happiness. We all want that for you and I guess for all of us too. Good luck. Edited August 3, 2006 by patricia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chewy-chew-chew-bean-benitez Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 or u can pull a michael mcdonald: divorce your wife and marry your theripist or u if u really wanna stick it to the melon with the tomatoes you can pull the PHIL: divorce her by FAX!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sal Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 Getthing to this thread somewhat late. I'm very sorry to hear this news, Free for All. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Posted August 3, 2006 Report Share Posted August 3, 2006 3) Went to the gym for my session with my trainer. Felt like shit. I've been out of town and haven't been working out as much as I should (been drinking quite a bit as well). Turns out I've gained several pounds. Yee-ha! This was a huge part of my post-divorce recovery. It is hard when you travel, but it can make a huge difference (as I am sure you know). Keep it up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcoliv Posted August 4, 2006 Report Share Posted August 4, 2006 Thanks Paul for your kind words. it meant a lot to me Ed, i've enjoyed your post a lot. i'm glad you're alive once again Patricia, it seems that you read my mind. i was asking me about this 2 days ago. we can never be sure about the other person but it seems they're different to be honest, i've printed out the whole thread and it makes me proud to be one of the members of this great board thanks to all of you Marcus Oliveira Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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