Free For All Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 What's the difference between Branson, MO and Jurassic Park? One is an amusement park full of dinosaurs, the other is a movie. Only funny if you're aware of what Branson is all about..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 A good goat'll do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyJazz Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 George and Alice have been at a nursing home for years. Despite their advanced age and infirmities, every once in a while they get together for some discreet hanky panky, such as it is. One day, Alice decides to visit George but stops aghast at the entrance to his room when she sees a new patient who also happens to be an elderly woman. This woman is standing besides George's bed, her hand under George's blanket while George is looking up at the ceiling with a look of ecstasy on his face that Alice has never seen before. Hurt, she waits for the other woman to leave, then enters the bedroom to confront George. She angrily says to him, "In all the years that we've been seeing each other, I've never seen such a happy look on your face whenever I've touched you. What does this woman have that I don't have"? George replies, "Parkinson's". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clifford_thornton Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 My favorite joke since I was young: Q: What's the difference between a dog? A: One of its legs is both the same! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clifford_thornton Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 And here's another I like quite a bit: Q: How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Wanna go ride bikes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Gone Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 (edited) One day a tired salesman goes into a bar and orders a beer. While he's enjoying his drink, he notices a little old man with a peg-leg and a noggin the size of a baseball. Curious, he asks the man, "how in the world did your noggin get so DAMN tiny?" The old man replies "I used to be a sailor, but one day I was out sailing when my ship wrecked on a remote island. I lived there for about three years. One day a beautiful mermaid came up on shore. She gave me three wishes. For the first wish, I asked her to be back in civilization, for the second I wished for 25 million dollars. For the third wish I told her that I wanted to have sex with her. She told me "sorry, but mermaids don't have the right equipment to have sex." So I said, "how about a little head then?" Edited February 19, 2006 by Mr. Gone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
(BB) Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: A fish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BERIGAN Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says. "I was behind you in line at McDonald's." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Al Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says. "I was behind you in line at McDonald's." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clifford_thornton Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: A fish I see we're getting at the same type of joke here - the surrealist type! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
(BB) Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: A fish I see we're getting at the same type of joke here - the surrealist type! Yea, the Dadaists jokes always fall flat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clifford_thornton Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 Aw, I like 'em! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 Q: How many porn stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only two, but you have to get them in the lightbulb first... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Man with the Golden Arm Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 Two cannibals are eating a clown and the one sez - "...this taste funny to you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patricia Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 A pregnant woman lurches out of the market with two bags of groceries. One of the bags gets caught on the automatic door and falls on the concrete right in front of a drunk sitting on the curb. The eggs fall out and two of them break. The drunk looks blearily at the two of the broken eggs and says to the woman. "Don't feel bad, lady. It wouldn't have lived anyway. It's eyes are too close together." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Al Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 What do you call a one-legged woman? Eileen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Al Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 My favorite joke since I was young: Q: What's the difference between a dog? A: One of its legs is both the same! I like this one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazzmoose Posted February 21, 2006 Report Share Posted February 21, 2006 What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinoceros? Elephino. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billyboy Posted February 23, 2006 Report Share Posted February 23, 2006 Why do supermarket cashiers always ask you 'Paper or plastic?' Because baggers can't be choosers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 This guy buys his dream house in the perfect, gated, planned community suburb. One day he walks out to get his paper and sees a snail on his porch. He reaches down, picks it up and chunks it out across his yard into the street and goes back into his house. A year later he goes out to get his paper. When he bends down the snail is there. It looks up at him and says WTF?!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
7/4 Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 This guy buys his dream house in the perfect, gated, planned community suburb. One day he walks out to get his paper and sees a snail on his porch. He reaches down, picks it up and chunks it out across his yard into the street and goes back into his house. A year later he goes out to get his paper. When he bends down the snail is there. It looks up at him and says WTF?!!! Where's the puch line? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexander Hawkins Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 This guy buys his dream house in the perfect, gated, planned community suburb. One day he walks out to get his paper and sees a snail on his porch. He reaches down, picks it up and chunks it out across his yard into the street and goes back into his house. A year later he goes out to get his paper. When he bends down the snail is there. It looks up at him and says WTF?!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexander Hawkins Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 This guy buys his dream house in the perfect, gated, planned community suburb. One day he walks out to get his paper and sees a snail on his porch. He reaches down, picks it up and chunks it out across his yard into the street and goes back into his house. A year later he goes out to get his paper. When he bends down the snail is there. It looks up at him and says WTF?!!! Where's the puch line? I would pinpoint it at 'WTF?!!!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownian Motion Posted February 25, 2006 Report Share Posted February 25, 2006 This guy buys his dream house in the perfect, gated, planned community suburb. One day he walks out to get his paper and sees a snail on his porch. He reaches down, picks it up and chunks it out across his yard into the street and goes back into his house. A year later he goes out to get his paper. When he bends down the snail is there. It looks up at him and says WTF?!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Free For All Posted February 25, 2006 Report Share Posted February 25, 2006 Why do supermarket cashiers always ask you 'Paper or plastic?' Because baggers can't be choosers! I actually used this one at the check-out line at my grocery store tonight! Looks like I'll be shopping elsewhere in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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