Peter Johnson Posted November 7, 2003 Report Posted November 7, 2003 If you don't like my driving, call 1-800-eat-shit!!! Quote
catesta Posted November 7, 2003 Report Posted November 7, 2003 If you don't like my driving, call 1-800-eat-shit!!! That fits! Quote
connoisseur series500 Posted November 7, 2003 Report Posted November 7, 2003 Mr. Jones saunters into town secure in his knowledge that he got the better of his wife in the divorce settlement. -_- Quote
connoisseur series500 Posted November 7, 2003 Report Posted November 7, 2003 Why do they have that picture of that pretty girl on the package with a beatific smile in the company of Mr. Mircrophone? Something's suspicious here! Quote
connoisseur series500 Posted November 7, 2003 Report Posted November 7, 2003 If you don't like my driving, call 1-800-eat-shit!!! I like this. :rsmile: Quote
Jim R Posted November 7, 2003 Author Report Posted November 7, 2003 Okay, here's another one: Awww, shoot! Frank, go get the dynamite again... and just one stick this time! Quote
randissimo Posted November 7, 2003 Report Posted November 7, 2003 I got a few laughs out of some of these Snappy Answers Snappy Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No sir, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." Snappy Answer(s) #5 A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone."May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F***you! "Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too." Snappy Answer #6 A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow." A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class stifled their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student and said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." Quote
Jazzmoose Posted November 7, 2003 Report Posted November 7, 2003 Why do they have that picture of that pretty girl on the package with a beatific smile in the company of Mr. Mircrophone? Something's suspicious here! Yeah, I'll bet the original product for this package wasn't "seen on TV"!! Quote
connoisseur series500 Posted November 7, 2003 Report Posted November 7, 2003 Okay, here's another one: Awww, shoot! Frank, go get the dynamite again... and just one stick this time! "Aww Crap! Wasn't this supposed to be in pink?" Quote
AfricaBrass Posted November 7, 2003 Report Posted November 7, 2003 "I guess I should have stayed in Shcool. Quote
catesta Posted November 7, 2003 Report Posted November 7, 2003 I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong in the second picture. Quote
AfricaBrass Posted November 7, 2003 Report Posted November 7, 2003 I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong in the second picture. Quote
Jim R Posted November 7, 2003 Author Report Posted November 7, 2003 "Charles, are you listening to me? Now, I know you're going to be on this business trip for seven days, so I packed you nine pairs of underwear, and your dark blue socks- you DID bring your blue suit, didn't you? I hope you didn't bring your gray suit this time- it always wrinkles so badly, and I KNOW you never use the iron that I put in your suitcase, and I'd hate to have people think you don't know how to match your clothes, and- did you bring your floss? I got you the mint flavor. Now, don't forget to keep the phone on through the night- you can sleep on your right side, or on your back. Oh, if only you'd married that nice girl you met two summers ago, then your father and I wouldn't have to do everything for you! Now, be sure to eat that dried fruit, and..." Quote
Big Al Posted November 7, 2003 Report Posted November 7, 2003 These guys put the "high" back in "high school!" Quote
connoisseur series500 Posted November 8, 2003 Report Posted November 8, 2003 (edited) "Charles, are you listening to me? Now, I know you're going to be on this business trip for seven days, so I packed you nine pairs of underwear, and your dark blue socks- you DID bring your blue suit, didn't you? I hope you didn't bring your gray suit this time- it always wrinkles so badly, and I KNOW you never use the iron that I put in your suitcase, and I'd hate to have people think you don't know how to match your clothes, and- did you bring your floss? I got you the mint flavor. Now, don't forget to keep the phone on through the night- you can sleep on your right side, or on your back. Oh, if only you'd married that nice girl you met two summers ago, then your father and I wouldn't have to do everything for you! Now, be sure to eat that dried fruit, and..." "Look, sir! We are simply unable to give you a live transmission of Michael Cuscuna shuffling about in the Blue Note vaults." Edited November 8, 2003 by connoisseur series500 Quote
Jazzmoose Posted November 8, 2003 Report Posted November 8, 2003 I'm still trying to figure out what is wrong in the second picture. Oh, come on; look at it! One guy is wearing a blue hat and one is wearing a black hat. Jeez... Quote
Bright Moments Posted November 8, 2003 Report Posted November 8, 2003 i guess we won't get work release again for a long time! Quote
Joe G Posted November 8, 2003 Report Posted November 8, 2003 You FOOL! It's supposed to be "CHOOLS" Quote
JSngry Posted November 8, 2003 Report Posted November 8, 2003 Whenever Betsy begins to lag, Jeb merely has to remind her what happens to Pintos that stop performing adequately. Quote
connoisseur series500 Posted November 8, 2003 Report Posted November 8, 2003 "Yes, I did pull out my cds before the car went under." Quote
BERIGAN Posted November 8, 2003 Report Posted November 8, 2003 See! I told ya you weren't Jesus! Quote
BERIGAN Posted November 8, 2003 Report Posted November 8, 2003 My dyslexia is acting up in new ways! Quote
BERIGAN Posted November 8, 2003 Report Posted November 8, 2003 (edited) Madonna, in the year 2033.... Grandma never could convince the grandkids to go to another Harley Davidson meet. Does this jacket make me look fat? Edited November 8, 2003 by BERIGAN Quote
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