Noj

LONG OVERDUE TROMBONE CONTROL LAWS -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LONG OVERDUE TROMBONE CONTROL LAWS WASHINGTON, D.C. - Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed, bewildered or annoyed by trombones. The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder injuries sustained by reed players, french horn and string sections seated within reach of the deadly seventh position are truly shocking ... not to mention forced early retirement due to ever increasing hearing problems reported by classical musicians who are forced to play the music of Wagner, Mahler and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of alumni of the Herman, Ferguson and Kenton bands and OKOM devotees of Kid Ory, Jack Teagarden, Abe Lincoln, Lou McGarity, John Allred and Lee Gifford. There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of trombones and to equip them with child-safety devices. The influential trombone lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been several proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock" on all bass trombones! Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children, attracted by the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves of an unattended instrument on a stand in the corner of a room or in an unlocked case who are traumatized for life by the attempts of a playmate to get a sound out of it, or who may suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of hyperventilation by trying the same effort themselves! The owner's feeble "I didn't know the slide was unlocked" is no excuse! Trombones should be stored out of reach of children. Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a trombone - which would simply allow a reasonable period of time for law enforcement officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an International list of registered trombone offenders and Slide-O-Mix addicts, have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful Selmer-Conn-Yamaha (SCY) lobby. Law enforcement officials are particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the "sawed-off" trombone or "sackbut." Legislation is also pending in several progressive states, including New York and California, to make carrying a concealed alto trombone a Class A felony! Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books that simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932 nation-wide ban of screw-on bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond's Cold Cream or KY Jelly and unsupervised emptying of spit valves on public property - a filthy and unsanitary habit which will help spread the flu again this year. One popular response to the spread of delinquent behavior is the imposition of mandatory longer sentences for those using a trombone while committing a crime ("Use a trombone - Go to jail!"; "False Positions Mean Solitary Confinement!"; "Add a Plunger - Double Your Time!" and "Growl and Forget About parole!"). Surveillance video tapes have proven especially effective in identifying violators of this statute because career criminals have often tried to avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist that what eye-witnesses reported as a trombone was really only an AK-47 or other legal assault weapon. Strict enforcement has been especially effective when used in conjunction with the new "Three sharps, you're out" statutes that have already been approved by many state legislatures. Of course the automatic and semi-automatic valved models - both piston and the middle-European rotary, are much more dangerous than the traditional single valve trombone. Interpol has also reported the sudden appearance of rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the 1918 Treaty of Versailles signed by representatives of every civilized country of the period. You may recall that those instruments were melted down and became an integral part of the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite America and Europe. It is believed that the new source of these WMD's are isolated factories in rural areas of China . The awesome destructive power of the double trigger bass trombone could never have been imagined by the founding fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms. Remember: When trombones are outlawed, only outlaws will play "I'm Gettin' Sentimental Over You." Author: Albert Manglesdorf

I'll just be quiet now.

The Mavs sat Nowitzki and Howard in the game, Jim.

Classic GoodSpeak.

The blame is shared with the Pacers and that lame trade they made for the worthless Mike Dunleavy and Troy Murphy. On top of Dirk's rotten play, Jason Terry had a poor series, too. Howard was inconsistent. Croshere wasn't the spark of the bench in game six which he was in game five. Matchups, matchups. Baron and SJax were lights out from three. Monta Ellis continued his stellar play from the bench. Matt Barnes made hustle plays and good decisions. JRich was moving well without the ball. I didn't think the Warriors would suddenly look this good, but I can't wait to see how they match up against the next opponent. They look a hell of lot better than Utah or Houston.

I guess that means that, as a Dodger fan, I should hope Lintcomb or whatever his name is gets shelled for about 8 earned runs, totally shattering his confidence.

Jon Abbey over at JC just brought up that the Mavs could have beaten the Warriors in their last regular season game and gotten the Clippers instead. D'oh! Condolences, Al.

The athleticism of Baron Davis is astounding. He can shoot over anyone. It seemed like the Warriors made every three they shot last night. Can't really blame Dallas, they just ran into the buzzsaw.

Lakers go down with a scarcely a wimper. Even the zebras couldn't make it exciting. Kobe with a shitty game. I'm more relieved than anything, I don't have to watch them until next season.

I'd like to see these statistics cross-referenced with a personality profile of each player. Hot heads and obnoxious players/those who act poorly toward the refs are likely called for more fouls than calm, respectful players.

I've been watching the game for longer than that, and the only bias I've noticed is for whoever current the media darlings are. The star players get the star treatment. There's never been a racial bias as far as I've seen. Tell it to Chris Mihm and Sasha Vujacic, the foul magnets.

Yet, when Kobe had a great team around him he fit in just fine for 3 titles in a row. He's a shooting guard, not a point guard.

I disagree with the assessment of Kobe. He had 31 pts, 9 assists, and 7 rebounds last game. If a team can't win with their star player putting up those kind of numbers, the team just isn't much good. He's much more than a hot dog, he's also clutch. When Kobe doesn't score a bunch of points, he's faulted for not scoring. When he does score a bunch of points, he's faulted for not sharing the ball. Just look at how many wide open shots the other Lakers missed in the last game. Any of the Phoenix Suns' players (Marion excepted) drain those same shots.

The Zen Maestro showing a bit of frustration in coaching lame-brain team... In the LOS ANGELES TIMES, Mike Bresnahan writes “just when things couldn't get any worse for the Lakers, they suddenly did, when Bryant sat out practice Tuesday because of a stiff back. He is expected to play tonight, which might be the only good news awaiting the Lakers. When asked whether he was perturbed in the wake of Game 4, the Lakers coach spoke of the post players' failure to play a more physical brand of ball and the guards' inability to cover the Suns' three-point threats. ‘I did tell them that they have the brain power of slugs or earthworms,’ Jackson said. ‘That was just in the moment of irritation. That part is disappointing.’ ”

If any of the other tracks are as funky as "Thunderbird" by Ravi Harris, there's more than kitsch happening here, imo!

I've got a song by Bobby Powell called "Your Good Good Lovin'" which is based on the exact same riff as "Thank You For Talkin' To Me Africa." I love both jams, but it would definitely seem someone did a bit of stealing...

Yeah, that was crap. If they suspend JRich for shoving a fan, they should suspend JT for that WWF shit...

Pretty brutal choke job by the Warriors, glad I missed it. I play basketball on Tuesday nights. Bruised the hell out of my elbow on someone's noggin.

He's still hunting for that elusive respect.

I'd beg Jerry West to come back and replace Mitch Kupchak if I were Dr. Buss.

Of course, those who do use steroids should keep my boy Lyle in mind.

Goodie's been going to bat for Bonds on threads like these for ages. I'm afraid you'll all have to agree to disagree, there's no changing his opinion on this matter. As far as any professional atheletes who are actually steroid users go, it's no wonder who gets the last laugh. Those guys still get to cash their checks. Hall of Fame, Schmall of Fame. Dodgers started hot and cooled off. Hopefully the offense will pick it up again.

PM me your address, and I'll have one in the mail asap.