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Empty Nesters

Kevin Bresnahan
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Kevin Bresnahan Mentor

Kevin Bresnahan

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As anyone who has had children can attest, your life goes through a radical change. No longer are you responsible for just you and your significant other, your every waking moment is occupied with "kid things". When they're little, it's the simple things like feed, clothe & clean up. As they age, you become a chauffeur, coach, mentor, tutor & best of all "Daddy".

Throughout the years that our two daughters grew up to be young women, my wife & I tried to stay very close. We are still "best friends". We also made sure to go on dinner dates every now & then - just the two of us. I took Joanne to France for a week, Germany for a week and London for a week. Our theory was that by doing this, we'd be better prepared for when the girls were gone & it was just us again. We'd be a couple again - the dreaded Empty Nesters.

September 6th, my two little girls went off to college... well, they're not little any more. So now the big test - did all of our "preparation" help us handle being empty nesters better than other couples we've known? Simply put, no. I really hate it. I miss having a full house. I miss the hustle & bustle of dinner time, driving the girls to & fro and just being their Dad. Our house is way too big for just the two of us. And with the market the way it is, downsizing ain't happening any time soon.

Even worse - I started having health issues. Dizziness, muscle weakness, numb left arm. For crying out loud, I'm already bummed out & now my health starts heading south. 48 is not old! <_< After about 20 doctor visits, they still have no clue what's going on.

Then it gets even worse! Our happy-go-lucky Golden Retriever gets diagnosed with an inoperable tumor on her heart. My wife is going to be devastated. Jasmine is her dog. She follows "Mom" around all day & night.

So far, being an empty nester is not all it was supposed to be. :(

Later,

Kevin

AllenLowe Proficient

AllenLowe

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Kevin - my wife had similar problems a few years ago which turned out to be TMJ, and she was helped by dental assistance as well as special things in her shoes. This may not be your problem, as your symptoms fit a lot of things (have they looked at Meniere's?); hope your doctor is paying attention.

sorry, too, to hear about your dog. I'm about as attached to mine as is possible, and this stuff is very difficult.

as for the empty house....wish mine was empty. Hopefully, you'll get used to it.

Edited by AllenLowe
.:.impossible Newbie

.:.impossible

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Sounds like the change has been difficult for both of you and things just aren't going your way lately.

Hang in there Kevin. You are still their Daddy and the holidays are just around the corner. Your girls will be home before you know it and the house will wake up to the bustle again! My brother and I are closer now to our parents than when we all lived under the same roof. It sounds like y'all are a tight-knit group. Your family is changing. Hopefully for the better. I'm sure they know how much you love them. Keep them in the loop on your health. It is important, and they are young adults now.

Sorry about the dog. Same thing happened around the time my brother and I left for college.

This post really hits home for me. My daughter is 14 months and I can imagine being in your shoes in the blink of an eye. Thanks for opening up Kevin. Things will turn around!

jazzbo Grand Master

jazzbo

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Sorry to hear about that. I know about an empty house. Losing a spouse is a different sort of "empty nest" situation. It's been three years on the 8th, and I've been able to cope (I thank my loving girl friend every day for all that she's brought to my life the last years) but there's still an emptiness to fill. It will be filled, the time is just not now. It gets better dayh after day, week after week, month after month and now year after year. The challenge in many ways is "to fill the time." For me that means the unsavory task of finding a fulfilling job (haven't accomplished that in a long time!) and pursuing creative outlets. I know you'll find ways to fill the time.

The health issues. . .could be stress, stress at this new situation, etc. I recommend giving and receiving as much affection as possible.

Sorry about your dog. I've lost three cats in the last dozen years, and I've no pet now and it's not really "right" but I can't bear to lose another, still can't bear the thought, so I'm doing without.

Kevin Bresnahan Mentor

Kevin Bresnahan

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Joanne & I talked about what to do when our dog Jasmine dies. We've always had a dog in our marriage. But this will be the 3rd one to leave us and we may take a break. It's such a heart-breaking event.

Also, we're thinking we may be able to take off every now & then if we don't have a dog back at the house. A dog is like a child. You always have to have a local "dog sitter" handy to feed it and let it out to do its business. Our dog sitters just had their youngest go off to UNH this year too. They're spending most weekends up at their lake house.

So much change going on in my life. It's pretty crazy. But you know what I always say... I'd rather get old than the alternative! :)

RDK Newbie

RDK

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Sorry to hear it Kevin. Right now I can joke about being envious of an "empty nest" - if nothing else, my in-laws are now living with us! - but I know I'll be a wreck when my twin girls eventually move out.

J.A.W. Explorer

J.A.W.

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I've been alone since 1995 (and I'm enjoying it) and I've never had kids, so I can't imagine how you're feeling, but I wish you all the best. Hang in there!

JSngry Grand Master

JSngry

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I suggest depression, adultery, alcoholism, and trying to write a novel that never comes, at least until grandchildren enter the picture. Then you can find redemption in the healing power of love and the eternal renewal of life. Then the novel comes, and then the Hollywood Feelgood Hit Of The Year, and then living happily ever after.

Sometimes you just gotta ride this stuff out.

ghost of miles Mentor

ghost of miles

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I suggest depression, adultery, alcoholism, and trying to write a novel that never comes, at least until grandchildren enter the picture. Then you can find redemption in the healing power of love and the eternal renewal of life. Then the novel comes, and then the Hollywood Feelgood Hit Of The Year, and then living happily ever after.

...followed by depression, adultery, alcoholism, and trying to write that followup hit!

Chuck Nessa Veteran

Chuck Nessa

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The girls will be back in your life soon enough. Just wait - parenthood is a life long pleasure/obligation. The rest of the stuff will probably be sorted out. When our last pet (the beloved Maggie) died, we ultimately felt free. We have been empty nesters and pet free for quite a while. Ann retired 20 months ago and we have never been so busy.

Best of luck moving on.

.:.impossible Newbie

.:.impossible

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I suggest depression, adultery, alcoholism, and trying to write a novel that never comes, at least until grandchildren enter the picture. Then you can find redemption in the healing power of love and the eternal renewal of life. Then the novel comes, and then the Hollywood Feelgood Hit Of The Year, and then living happily ever after.

...followed by depression, adultery, alcoholism, and trying to write that followup hit!

Or you write the novel, it gets stolen and shopped by your ex/future wife's step-daughter who punched you once before you knew who, or how old she was.

BERIGAN Newbie

BERIGAN

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Kevin, perhaps you should make a point of telling the kids how very much you two miss them, how empty the house seems with them away at school. Not so much to make them guilty, but they are loving being independent and all, and a gentle reminder of how you two feel might make them think to come down once in awhile, call more often...

Don't worry, after the independent phase, they may end up back at home after getting out of school. Especially if the job market doesn't improve!

But kids are always going to need their parents, trust me!

Jim R Newbie

Jim R

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Just noticed this thread. Kevin, I'm a bit older than you, but I'm in a similar place. We just became empty nesters, and it was less than two years ago that we lost our german shepherd. We're staying in touch with our two college students, whether it's via e-mail, texting, phone calls, or video chats. It's made it so much easier to deal with the physical separation. Both of them have adjusted well thus far to being on their own, and they're both doing well in school, so it's all good. For us, the empty nest isn't such a big shock, because we didn't see that much of our son (the younger of the two, who just departed) when he was still living here! ^_^ As for the dog, we miss her, but it's also nice having the freedom to take off and not have to worry about getting care arranged. Everybody talks about the emotional difficulty of losing a pet, and it's true, but for us there's an even bigger reason that we probably won't get another: $ My god, has it gotten expensive to have a pet- especially if they need any kind of medical care.

Kevin, I hope you get your health issues sorted out. That's THE most important thing. I'm fortunate to be pretty healthy, but more and more health challenges seem to come up as we get older. All the best.

Kevin Bresnahan Mentor

Kevin Bresnahan

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The empty nest is a bit emptier this morning as I wake up to an empty house. Wish me & my wife Joanne luck this morning (10/16) and if you believe in that sort of thing, toss a prayer her way. She's undergoing some major neck surgery.

Kevin

vajerzy Newbie

vajerzy

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Joanne came through great. Thanks everyone for the positive thoughts. She's still on antibiotics and steroids so she's not out of the woods completely, but she feels better and looks a lot better.

So nice to hear- glad everything worked out well!

We became empty nesters then turned around and did foster care- eventually adopting our daughter so it's round 2!

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