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GA Russell

Joke of the Day

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Some birds mate for life. There is no divorce in the aviary world.

That's why they fly into windows.  It's the only way out.

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From Shecky Greene:

"Frank Sinatra? Heck of a guy - real prince. Saved my life once. We were doing a show at the Sands, and between sets, I took a break in the parking lot. Next thing I know, three guys are working me over real good. Then I hear Frank say, 'OK, boys, that's enough.'"

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The opening of Ronnie Scott's "autobiography":

I was born in a room over a Jewish pub in the east end of London. It was called The Kosher Horses. We were very poor. My father was always unemployed. He was a shepherd.

We were so poor my parents had to buy my clothes at the Army and Navy Stores. Imagine me going to school during the Second World War wearing a Japanese admiral's uniform.

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OK a tad scatological.

Three old men are discussing their medical issues.

The first one says, "Oy, I'm so constipated. Twenty days straight now."

The second one says, "you think that's so bad, I'm up and down every 30 minutes, needing to pee. I can't get a wink of sleep."

The third one looks at his friends and informs them they have no troubles compared to him:

"Every night I sleep like a baby, and at 7 am I pee like a racehorse. At 8 am, I have a nice satisfying bowel movement."

His friends look at him and one says, "how does that possibly compare?"

"I don't wake up until 9."

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10 minutes ago, Dan Gould said:

OK a tad scatological.

Three old men are discussing their medical issues.

The first one says, "Oy, I'm so constipated. Twenty days straight now."

The second one says, "you think that's so bad, I'm up and down every 30 minutes, needing to pee. I can't get a wink of sleep."

The third one looks at his friends and informs them they have no troubles compared to him:

"Every night I sleep like a baby, and at 7 am I pee like a racehorse. At 8 am, I have a nice satisfying bowel movement."

His friends look at him and one says, "how does that possibly compare?"

"I don't wake up until 9."

:tup

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How are cyclones and marriage alike?

They both start with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

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Alan King - "Survived By His Wife"

You can probably find it on You Tube.

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I was reminded of this joke yesterday, 30-odd years after I first heard it, and found it online (isn't everything?) I'm afraid it will  probably be meaningless to all non-Brits, unless Fairy Liquid ever made it out of the UK.

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.


Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so
mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't.

Yervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists  that he wants to eat it.

 

Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.

 

Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry
and he can't eat it.

 

The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise, with mild green hairy lip squid.

 

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You think Henny Youngman got no respect?

After one job interview, I received a rejection letter with postage due. 

 

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Basically my wife was immature.

I'd be home in the bath tub, and she'd come in and sink my boats.

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Posted (edited)

A man tells his psychiatrist that his wife sent him to see him because he liked cotton socks. The doctor replies that there is nothing unusual about liking cotton socks. The patient exclaims, “How do you like yours, with a twist of lemon, or oil and vinegar?”

Edited by Ken Dryden

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12 minutes ago, Ken Dryden said:

A man tells his psychiatrist that his wife sent him to see him because he liked cotton socks. The doctor replies that there is nothing unusual about liking cotton socks. The patient exclaims, “How do you like yours, with a twist of lemon, or oil and vinegar?”

That was in pretty poor taste.

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- What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

- A stick.

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Posted (edited)

I was watching the Discovery Channel the other day, and I discovered something.  I need a girlfriend.

Edited by GA Russell

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On 1/6/2022 at 8:36 PM, Ken Dryden said:

You think Henny Youngman got no respect?

After one job interview, I received a rejection letter with postage due. 

 

Wasn't that Rodney Dangerfield??

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Posted (edited)

Yeah , I’m getting old…

By the way, my joke is a true story… I didn’t pay the postage due…

Edited by Ken Dryden

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otoh, I don't know that Henny Youngman got the respect to which he was fully entitled.

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What are the three words you don't want to hear when love making? 

"Honey, I'm home."

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What should you do if your partner starts smoking in bed?

Slow down, and use more lube.

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35 minutes ago, Dan Gould said:

What should you do if your partner starts smoking in bed?

Slow down, and use more lube.

:lol:

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“Do you smoke after sex?” “I don’t know, I never looked.”

A real oldie…

A get well card to a union official in the hospital: “The Amalgamated Skyhook Fitters, Local 32, wish you a speedy recovery, by a vote of 232 to 231.”

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1 hour ago, Ken Dryden said:

A get well card to a union official in the hospital: “The Amalgamated Skyhook Fitters, Local 32, wish you a speedy recovery, by a vote of 232 to 231.”

:lol: :rofl:

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