Free For All

paul, i am sorry to hear about your situation. i hope everything works out for the best. has your wife recently lost weight or fixed herself up in anyway. my wife is eerie at how she can predict a divorce. usually when a wife starts to lose weight there is another man on the side, even if no one expects it. good luck. bob Thanks. It's funny, our seventh anniversary is in a few weeks. Makes you wonder about that "seven year itch" thing. Like I said, I really don't think it's another person. I think she just wants to be on her own.

If I hadn't left my full time teaching gig to be with her we probably wouldn't have gotten married. I'm fairly certain she wouldn't have done what I did. By her own admission she needed to have that security of the full time job. Of course I would like to have that too. Now I will I guess, hopefully sooner than later. So maybe we shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. It sure seemed right at the time. We'd been friends for a long time, there was nothing "hasty" about it. I can't decide if I regret getting married- I've learned a lot, but I also feel that all the investment of time and faith in the relationship (and the sacrifices I made) was/were for naught. I know I'm in a real hard place right now.

Patricia, I don't think she can hurt me any more than she already has. I feel I'm entitled to know what's going on. At this point not knowing hurts worse than anything she might say. I'd like some closure. And thanks for your thoughtful posts.

Have you asked her why? Oh yes! We've discussed it in private and with a therapist. I don't feel I've gotten a satisfactory answer, like either she hasn't shared the real reason or she doesn't know what it is herself. The bulk of what she tells me is very complementary about our marriage, but that her feelings haved changed somewhat inexplicably. Now I know many might suspect an affair, but I know that's not happening. I'm tending to think that there was nothing I could do that would have saved the marriage. It seems like she has reached a point where she wants to be alone, almost like a cycle. Middle-age related issues perhaps? I don't know.

My wife and I are both musicians (both trombonists as well). She exists mostly in the classical world and I in the jazz world, and this has worked out fine for us. In past relationships music has often assumed ther role of the "mistress" (as Duke said) and caused friction, but in this case that was not a problem. We both maintain fairly busy professional schedules and were mutually supportive. As far as music not paying well, yeah, that's a problem. When I gave up my job and moved to where she was it seemed the right thing to do, but I think ultimately my dependence on her was a problem for both of us. I mean, I wasn't a lazy freeloader by any means, but the inconsistency of the freelancer's world is hard to deal with sometimes. We talked about it openly though, and it didn't seem like a "deal breaker" at the time. Who knows.

Thanks for your support everyone, and regarding your post, Patricia, you made several good points. I've always been a good listener and I felt we were able to discuss just about anything. I know there were concerns about specific issues and I was trying to make changes that would benefit both of us (see my Health thread). It just became apparent that her feelings about me had changed and my efforts to make some personal changes were appreciated but ultimately ineffectual. We've been friends for almost thirty years. A couple of attempts to get together failed, mostly because we were ensconced in different cities. When we finally decided to get married I left a full-time teaching gig to move to where she was. Something had to give if we were going to ever become a couple. This seemed the best solution at the time because I am used to being a freelance musician and finding a way to surive by combining playing/writing/adjunct teaching, and she likes the security and structure of the full-time teaching gig. So she was the main bread winner, and I did as much as I could. When she was offered a teaching job here in Kansas City, I thought I could find enough work to merit the move here. It's been OK but not great. As a musician my work tends to come in waves- a long dry spell usually is followed by a busy period. The teaching job provides more constant security and of course those ever-critical benefits, like health insurance. I now will be without a full-time job and temporarily without health insurance. I plan to apply for teaching jobs, but that season is in the spring, so not much will be available until then. If this had happened a month or two sooner I would have had a shot at getting a job, but for now I'll have to scrape by here in KC. It's depressing to feel like you're moving backwards (like moving from our nice home to a small apartment) but I'm hoping this is just a temporary setback. I'm frustrated because I don't really feel I know why this has happened. Things weren't perfect, but I felt we were happy and that the marriage was strong. It had the crucial element of trust which is so important for any relationship whether it be a friendship or a marriage. I feel that I have been a very supportive and loyal husband, and have made many sacrifices for the marriage, which I did happily. I can't understand how one's feelings can change so abruptly and completely. As far as hastily finding a replacement, I am in NO way thinking about that. At this point I have ZERO interest in starting a new relationship, which I realize is a typical feeling for someone going through this. I need to be on my own for a while and re-establish my independence. Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories, my heart goes out to all of you. This is an issue worth discussing, and I'm glad we're able to discuss it here. I debated for a long time whether or not to air this publicly because it's personal and painful and frankly kind of humiliating, but I think there are many insightful people here who have much to contribute. And it's cheaper than therapy!

Thanks Joe, and thanks, Glenn. Good to have friends. And just for clarification, I'm not looking for this to be a "sympathy" thread, more of a "what's your story" thread.

Thank you for your support Jim and Jon. You guys are the best! I didn't see this coming and it has knocked me on my ass, but only for the short term. I look forward to righting myself and moving to the next level, whatever it may be............

Wait, I thought "U Sholud" WAS the president of Angola??

....somehow ironically, brought to you by the same person who started "The Health Thread"...... OK, I've been delaying this for 3 months. I haven't been sure of how to even approach this topic, so bear with me. My life has recently taken a nasty and unexpected turn- my marriage came to a sudden and totally unexpected end in May. Those of you who have read my previous posts know how much I loved my wife. I'm not going to write the exhaustingly long post that it would take to go through all my own shit, but if this thread elicits any interest I might be able to unload as we go. And thank you in advance.... I've been aware of those who have been recently going through similar dues, like Ed Swinnich, for example. Ed, I've been reading your posts and thinking "Poor guy, I'm glad that my marriage is solid". Then my situation changed very suddenly and without the opportunity for negotiation. Almost overnight she seemed to have changed her mind about me, and although we immediately (at my request) began working with a therapist, it became obvious that there was no possibility of reconciliation. And that was such a shock to me! Let me add that there was no past or present abuse or infidelity by either party, so that was not an issue..... I'm not saying that it was anyone's fault, but it wasn't a mutual decision. Anyway, I'm looking to find a new job and relocate, because I can't really make a living in Kansas City on my own. I moved to KC because of my wife's job, there really isn't enough work here for me to stay. That's a whole 'nuther can o' worms for now. So if anyone has a suggestion, I'm open............. This is the most painful thing I've ever gone through in my life, I can't imagine what those of you who have children must be feeling! So the premise of this thread is for people to share any bitterness, insights, whatever. I'm not feelin' the love right now, I could use something to build on. Or go off and be dark, whatever you need to do! OK, there's a lot more to talk about, but I'm going to stop for now. Thank you all for indulging me, much more to come............. ..and Ed: All the best to you! I can actually say I kind of know what you're feeling. Even though we didn't have kids.

Best of luck to you. Knock 'em dead!

Speaking of the Men's Wearhouse, I think it's funny that over the years the guy who says "I guarantee it" has gradually said the line s l o w e r and s l o w e r. He used to say it really fast and loud, like he was on coke or something. Obviously some ad exec told him it would be classier to speak more slowly. Now it's like he's on 'ludes. I guarantee it.

It's Olive Oyl's mom!

I have that exact dream frequently, and it's usually a situation where I won't graduate if I don't pass the course. I think it's a very common dream. Sometimes there will be variations, such as I'm in a play, in full costume, about to go on stage and realize I have NO idea what any of my lines are or even what the play is about! Another anxiety-related dream is that I'm trying to get somewhere but I'm constantly getting sidetracked- can't find my clothes, keys, car etc. Everything seems to move in S L O W MO T I O N. Occasionally I have good dreams- my favorite is when I dream about playing my horn and everything is working perfectly- no obstacles between my imagination and the music. I like those dreams, and they give me hope that attaining such a high level of zen-like musical consciousness is possible. Then again, I also sometimes dream about picking up my horn and having it basically disintegrate in my hands. EDIT: I just noticed I already posted something similar on this thread a couple years ago. Oh well. Up for redundancy.

FWIW, I totally believed you were 15, JK.

Happy birthday!

That dog has paid his MF dues and is due a refund. I hope he finds a dedicated person, one who is not just feeding on the hype. This dog has earned some good karma (or dogma- whatever) .

Come Fly With Me United I Can't Get Started

This is a little bigger.....

Orange, then Green.

I was in north Texas last week and it was in the 105 degree range all week long. It hits you hard when you walk outside from an air conditioned building! I was going to bring back a bunch of leftover Shiner Bocks but they would have had to sit in my parked car for several hours (I was afraid they might 'splode), so I gave 'em away. When I drove back to KC yesterday the temperature went from 107 to 67.

I'd be richer and poorer!

You know what?...............bring it on! The "gimpy" dogs need a loving home more than any others. If I could I'd take home all the leg-missing, eye-missing etc. dogs. They're the ones that really deserve a break, and they will love you forever for giving them that break.