bertrand Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 (edited) I nearly dropped dead of a heart attack on Monday. I get to work and there are eight, count 'em eight voice mails waiting for me. Six are from clueless co-workers who have no idea how to fix a trivial non-problem (I wasted a whole day in e-mails and conference calls), and two are from old acquaintances from high school. The guy I see every few years although I'm bad about keeping in touch; I always liked him. I didn't have time to call him back yet, but he called tonight and we chatted for a long time. The other call was from a woman I've known since I was 5 or 6. We went through the French School in D.C. together for like 12-13 years. Then, when she moved to Paris after College and I was living there as well, we used to hang out a lot (jazz gigs and movies mostly). We were always just friends. Anyway, we haven't spoken since her wedding in 1990, so getting the call sure was a shocker. I haven't had time to call her back yet, but I'm a bit hesitant. Truth is, I was unhappy at that school. For a while, I was hanging out with the people from my class who live in D.C., but I really felt uncomfortable with that crowd. Among other things, they liked to put down my job (I'm a government grunt) which after a while really started pissing me off. Also, they would always nag me about when we were going to have kids, which was really none of their effing business. Anyway, I don't know if I should call this woman back. It's been so long, and I'm worried that I'll start a chain reaction and have to start socializing again with the crowd I'm trying to avoid. Plus, she apparently has some high level job somewhere - I can see another scenario where I'll feel kind of inferior. I guess the problem is I just have so much shit going on in my life right now (including some personal problems I'd rather not get into) that I just don't feel like I'm best equipped to handle this right now. I'm not really sure why I'm so upset about it, but I just can't seem to focus. Any ideas? Bertrand. Edited March 24, 2005 by bertrand Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Alfredson Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Should'a made this a poll! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazz Kat Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 (edited) Wow. I dont know, one thing I dont know is how to deal with people. Edited March 24, 2005 by Jazz Kat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter Johnson Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Bertrand-- Of course, only you can make the call here (sorry, bad pun, not intended), but some thoughts from my perspective, worth as much as you'll pay for them! I would return the call. I'm a shoot from the hip kind of person and I love catching up with people from my past; the internet has made this terrifically easy and I've made some great (re)connections with people this way. I understand your concerns about "hanging out with the old crowd"--when I'm back in my hometown, there's not ONE single person from high school with whom I've kept in touch, or with whom I have any interest in keeping in touch. Putting your job down is abject bullshit, but based on what you talk about here, you have so many cool things to talk about wrt the LOC, I think you could wow some folks (not like you'd have to or would even want to, but if such a topic rudely came up, you should be able to put the offending talker in his or her place fairly quickly). As far as getting dragged back into the old social situation, well, you have the ability to turn it on or off at the drop of a hat. I guess what I'm saying is, jobs are jobs, people are people. If you're interested in connecting with the person on the latter level, why not? Go for it. You might find you have a lot more in common now, mutual interests, mutual contacts, etc.; best of all, you could emerge from the situation with a great friend, company with whom to attend shows, etc. There's a possibly unspoken undercurrent here which I'll mention (and if I'm stepping over any lines or assuming shit, tell me to shut the hell up and I'll delete away)...my wife and I may be a bit unconventional in that each of us has a number of friends of the opposite sex. Friends with whom we go out individually, one on one. My parents and her mom think it's nuts; and many of our married friends think it's nuts. But we wouldn't have it any other way. There are simply interests we each have that the other doesn't share, and we have friends, who happen to be of the opposite sex, who do (I _hate_ talking about medicine over dinner; she _hates_ talking about jazz and politics over dinner). I guess what I'm saying _here_ is, if concern about this is part of what's going on, I would say that, yes, your primary relationship is worth saving, but friends don't come in one category, and if a new friend happens to be someone of the opposite sex, BFD! Whew. Now that I've run off my big ol' mouth, feel free to tell me to shut it. Good luck either way, Bertrand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Son-of-a-Weizen Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Based on what you've said, there seems to be a comfort factor issue in play.....and as such, I'd probably take a pass and not return the call. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazz Kat Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Have you thought about e-mail? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wesbed Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Stay with the jazz, let her go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazz Kat Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Thanks for the advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rooster_Ties Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Have Jazz Kat call her. Be a good learning experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wesbed Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Stay with the jazz, let her go. Go, go, go... Woman, please don't bother me no mo'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andybleaden Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Get it done! Ring her for god sake She took the time to contact you. You can call the shots about linking up with the other sad dudes who were rude by being clear about what you will/will not be interested in. What ya waiting for. Make the call..... go on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonym Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Hey Bertrand. Difficult one this. I can see both sides of this dilema. Peter makes some very good points but if you can remember the exact type of relationship you had when you were friends; ie. was it a reciprocal bond, could you both equally off-load problems and seek advice from the other or was it more a crutch? One that allowed her to speak to a friend (who was male therefore non-threatening) and one who's, I'm assuming, a good listener. I've got a friend only 10 miles away. I often initiate contact with her even though we may not speak for a month or so at a time and all is easy. However, the only time she contacts me, and it's usually at a really strange times of the day, it's because she's got some personal crisis. This has gone on for maybe 5 or 6 years now and to be honest I'm a bit tired of it now, which I let her know. This lady may be encountering some personal troubles and a friendly face from the past may be her sounding board; it is reassuring to hark back to a less troubled time for anyone. But once those old slights start to creep back in, I'd be advising her to go forth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazzmoose Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 I'd skip it myself. I'd prefer the past remain in the past. I'm not the person I was years ago, and odds are, neither is anyone I knew then. Okay, except the pot smokers of course... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Gould Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 I guess the problem is I just have so much shit going on in my life right now (including some personal problems I'd rather not get into) that I just don't feel like I'm best equipped to handle this right now. This sounds like a personal problem that's none of our effing business either. We're getting perilously close to Too Much Information here, frankly. I can understand people who share personal details like job loss and even marital problems-we've all been there in some way or another. But what exactly do you expect from the group here? Here's my advice: If you need therapy about your past life, get it. If you like the woman, stay in touch with her. If you don't like the other people in the same orbit, avoid them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kulu se mama Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 i would call her back. that was a long tome ago (i am assuming), and it's possible she doesn't even hang around the old crowd anymore. she is obviously interested in reconnecting with you, so what have you got to lose? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Ayers Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 i would call her back. that was a long tome ago (i am assuming), and it's possible she doesn't even hang around the old crowd anymore. she is obviously interested in reconnecting with you, so what have you got to lose? Did somebody say 'tome'? [if you need me, I'll be out in the shed tidying up my tools...] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bright Moments Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 i'd make the call. ignoring it is bad karma and you don't want to come back next time as a snail do you?!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
connoisseur series500 Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 How do you know she won't call you again? You might pick up the phone one day and find her on the other end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazz Kat Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 First off, is she married? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chris olivarez Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 A number of posters have said "let it be" and I can certainly see that point of view.On the other hand I sense that there could be some closure issues here and for that reason you should make that call. If she's no longer married maybe the two of you will discover that you want to move forward together or maybe you'll come to the conclusion that you went your seperate ways for a reason or maybe you want to reestablish your friendship but you'll never know unless you drop the dime. Peace of mind can be awful tough to come by so do what you gotta do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JSngry Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Straight ahead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeweil Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 I, too, tend to let the past stay in the past, but ... I have the feeling it would bother you if you wouldn't call back, so I'd say you do and ask right away - although in a polite manner - what made her contact you after all these years. If you get the impression she doesn't tell the truth, I'd stay away from her. Could be she wants to make up for lost opportunities? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMusicalMarine Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 Give her a call, start with two seconds of smalltalk, and then, in a friendly manner, ask her "Well, what can I do for you?" She might say "Oh, just checking up on old friends" or she might say "I've been thinking about you a lot lately". At least you can cut through the bullshit, if that's all it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bertrand Posted March 24, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 (edited) Thanks for all your replies so far. I'm still doing a lot of thinking, but I haven't had time to sort through all the postings yet. But I did want to bring up a couple of things: 1. Dan seemed to imply that it was inappropriate for me to post this here. This was partially based on my allusion to a personal problem. This problem does not have any direct bearing on the matter at hand. I just brought it up to say that I had a lot on my mind right now, and this new matter was just not coming at the right time. Now one more thing has come up, so I have even more on my mind! 2. Some of you seem to think there is some romantic issue involved here; that is not the case at all. She is only calling because my name came up when someone else was planning a sort of mini-reunion, and she had the reaction: 'oh wow, I haven't spoken to Bertrand in years. I wonder how he's doing'. There was never anything romantic between us. Both of us are very married with kids. 3. I think my main worry is that I don't want this to lead into having to get together with some people I don't want to see again. If I can just catch up with her, then that's fine. If I decide we have nothing in common, then I'll just let it go. I'll check in later. Thanks again, Bertrand. Edited March 24, 2005 by bertrand Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Chaney Posted March 24, 2005 Report Share Posted March 24, 2005 I don't mean this to sound glib but have you asked your wife for her opinion? I'm not married but if I were, I think that's where I'd first look for advice on a matter of this sort. Certainly not chastising you for doing otherwise nor for seeking input from us folk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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